Something has been bothering me for a couple of weeks. Yeah, its like that leech sucking blood out of you, bothering me in my sleep, in my dreams, in my daily routine. I am a sucker for perfection. Isn't that wrong? Or am I a sucker for complete control? Yeah, this is a better way to put that quality of mine.
Diligent worker, passionate who craves for perfection. I have been told that not everyone around me would work in the same speed as me or that I should not expect the agility or knowledge that I showcase. But why is it hard for me to slow down? I don't take pride of these qualities, because it may not do good to me.
Is it not ironical when I say such qualities might harm me? Yeah, in a corporate world you need to be individual contributor and at the same time be a team player. You need to be an effective communicator; but isn't communication effective only if the receiver interprets it the way you would like it to be? You are supposed to provide technical guidance; are reprimanded for offering advice and also for not being approachable (if people don't reach out to you).
Well, I think I am venting out my helplessness here. Anyway the basic problem here. Why do I strive for perfection? Its not going to happen and it isn't easy to keep everyone and yourself happy. Something that has been inculcated in me by myself through the years. For someone who did not get things easy, working hard to achieve was not enough; being average was an anathema. I hear my friends telling me that I am different; is it supposed to make me happy? Hell! no I shudder.
Being told that I have done something beyond my capacity and capability; being in par with others who are probably way way experienced and senior to me worries me that I might fail somewhere down the lane. The paranoia pushes me for perfection; I magnify a trivial mistake; rehash it many times until it blows up and shows up as a scar only to me. Is there a way out of this obsessive behavior? How can others take it so easy but not me? Why do I lose sleep and punish myself for no fault of mine?
I need to let go, its also a way to achieving perfection. Why to judge something thats not in your hands? Humans are designed to have flaws, to achieve perfection is to be certain; to be certain is to be in total control; and with control comes the sense of power; forgetting oneself in the process.
As I was mulling over these since a couple of weeks, I saw an article on Sunday Times today. How perfect! Oops! I think I realize what it is; if I am pointed at for not doing something that was expected of me, I am going to say "I will do it here after" instead of justifying what I did and why it did not work. "Let it go!" as a colleague said...yeah thats what I will do...Just let it go :)