Blow your own trumpet

We feel so bloated when people look at us with awe and appreciate us hearing to our success stories. What if the success story is a bit exaggerated? We all want to feel great, believe we achieved a bit more than normal. When sharing our stories, we do tend to embellish with spice. Though this quality is as normal as gossiping in us, there are a type of people who have specialized in this. They inflate possibly everything, right from their appetite to their weight to their phone bills to their salary.

This type of people do not know the meaning of austerity; generosity is the mantra. But sadly, more often that not, they become laughing stocks, an object of ridicule. How far can they stretch their lies in the name of glorifying themselves? Overheard in a train journey was this conversation between two men; each one trying to glorify his own self. One said he donates blood every month; to which another said that the last time he donated blood; 1.5 bottle of blood was sucked out from him while it was just 1 bottle from others. The first one then went on to insult this guy by saying he doesnt donate blood which gets stored for future but only those cases where his blood is immediately injected to someone else! He went onto tell that he is the first person to be called by doctors in the whole city whenever there is an emergency. An universal donor with unlimited supply of blood....Ahem...ahem....

You just need to keep your ears open to hear to such gems. Its really an immense talent to keep your face grim and not laugh when you hear these jokes. I once took pride in saying how we solved division problems where one single problem stretched beyond 2 pages :-P Math problems for a grade 3 student. The lady and the 10th grade schoolgirl whom I was speaking to were smiling; I did not realize it there smile was wicked then :) But I felt really good about myself and a sense of achievement in solving a very long problem.

But what we fail to realize is the listeners are not fools. Why else would one say gajar ka halwa (carrot halwa) is white in color. Things get more interesting if it comes from older people when they try to show off their knowledge. But more often than not, its thwarting and tiring to keep listening to such self-glorifying details.

So its just a sense of achievement :-) So, whats your most interesting blowing your trumpet story? :-)

An Open Letter to Mr. Wisdom

Dear Mr.Wisdom,

You will turn out to be good for nothing. I don't need you. I already have some decent amount of wisdom in me. I am appreciated for being wise, time and again. Yet, God decided that I lack wisdom at this stage in life, maybe I was doing something stupid. He mistook the wisdom that I am missing to be YOU.

Its a painful proposition. You would not be helping me in any way, there is little room in my mouth to accommodate you priceless jewel.  I appreciate you, but forcing your way out and claiming a rightful space of your long abandoned ancestral land is not fair. The battle is tough, agonizing me and totally disrupting my routine for days together. Mr. Wisdom; please note that I have better things to do in life than fighting a battle against you!

I sincerely appreciate your good intentions but please understand that you are the one now least needed for my good oral health. My jaws are smaller, my diets are not tougher. I do not need extra chewing power anymore. In addition, you are also causing trouble to your siblings as well - the gums are swollen and the other molars which are hale and hearty are intimidated by your rising presence. I do not like you bullying them; waging a war against them by harboring bacteria and infecting them in turn.

This is to sincerely warn you to drop your senseless effort to erupt in my mouth. Continuing to do so will have serious consequences. You would be deported as per laws against illegal occupation. Please accomodate my request.

                                                                                               Agonizingly yours,

Pray for me Brother :-P

Ayudha pooja is an integral part of Dasara in southern India. Its celebrated on the ninth day or Navami. Its on this day tools and weapons and various other equipments are worshiped.
Everyone worships their tools; whatever it would be. School kids worship their books, an auto driver his auto, public transport system folks their buses and trains, farmers their ploughs and sickles and so on.

I just saw a Fitness center and there! my thoughts were flooded with ideas. What would each one pray when they worship their tools.

A fitness center owner while worshiping his treadmill will pray that people lose their belly fat slower so that he has more business.

A barber while worshiping his scissors and blades would pray that people's hair grew faster and thicker.

A dentish while worshiping his mouth mirror and dental drills would pray that more people got tooth aches and plaques.

A tire puncture fixer while worshiping his deflated tires and tools would pray more and more tires got punctured.

A beautician while worshiping her hair dyes and facial creams would pray that more women get blemishes and dark circles under their eyes.

A fruit juice vendor while worshiping his mixer and juicer would pray that people got thirsty frequently.

A banker while worshiping his registers would pray that he gets to earn more interests.

A tailor while worshiping his sewing machine would pray that people grow fatter faster.

A software professional while worshiping his laptop would pray he fixes more bugs and in turn put in few more bugs :-P

A lawyer while worshiping her law books would pray more people committed crimes and break laws. :-P Someone is smiling eh?

A media journalist while worshiping the camera and teleprompter prays that actors and actresses broke up and hooked up more often :-)

A garbage collector while worshiping his shovel would pray people disposed fewer trash.

Finally a blogger while woshiping his blog would pray more people visit his/her blog and leave more and more comments :-D

PS : This is just an illogical humorous post. Please dont ask me logical questions in the comments section. (Updated after reading few comments)

If it happens in India

Few of my observations here makes me analyze how the same would be if they were implemented in India. Trust me, they turn out to be interesting and at times hilarious. Its interesting how the culture and composition of a place largely influences the business and the market as a whole. What we see is a whole new perspective of how they try to sell a product or how they implement ideas depending on the geography, culture and values and the belief of local people.

For example, you can never ever see a pair of floaters/sandals on a food or beverage product in India. Traditionally, footwear is not worn in households; as such; seeing it on a food product?? Hmm...the politicians, the religious leaders, the media would all have some cud to chew on for few months!!

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Another one that's normal here is the usage of Toll Free numbers. Every product or service has a toll free number for customers to use. To make it easy for people to remember, these Toll free numbers have a combination of digits and alphabets. For e.g - 1-800-DENTIST helps find a dentist in the preferred county in the Bay Area.

Now, we know we do have toll free services in India as well. What got me thinking made me laugh out loud. There are a series of HELP toll free numbers here - 1-800-HELP. Now what if we had such a number in India, for India. As Hindi is our national language; the number would be 1-800-BACHAAOOO :-)

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Its common to name the vehicles after a city or a region here in the USA. So we have Chevrolet Malibu named after Malibu, CA, Hyundai Santa Fe named after the city of Santa Fe, New Mexico, Toyota Tundra, named after the mighty Tundra to name a few. For folks into automobiles, you would be interested to know that there are 41 cars named after Places in North America. For more check this - Cars named after places in North America.


Yes, analogical thinking again. What if our Maruti or TATA tries to name the vehicles after places in India. How about Maruti Patiala? What better idea to retaliate than naming NANO as TATA SINGUR :-P

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 Another one keeping my mind entertained are the description of Indian food in local restaurants here. Let me give some work to your brain. What is Fried Lentil Flour Doughnut dipped in sambhar?

Common!! Think!!

Its our Sambhar Vada :-P

For more amusement, check this menu of a famous restaurant - Indian food menu with description.

OK, so we have the Taco Bells, the McDonalds, the KFCs, the Pizza Huts, the Subways in India. What if they had similar description so that our folks can follow. Hmm, let me try. A veg sandwich would be described as

Tamaatar, pyaaz, gobi, jatun, paneer, kheera aur mexico ki thiki hari mirchi bhari roti; peeli chutney ke saath

How nice!! Your stomach is fill the time you have finished reading this :-)

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People at restaurants and shops address customers as Miss, Mr, Child generally. Apart from that we also get to hear Honey, Beauty, Sweetheart.... A security officer addressed me yesterday "How are you today Beautiful?" A person at the sales counter wished me "Take care honey". The manager at a hotel said "Good choice my sweetheart". I was also asked elsewhere "How are you darling?" These are all just pleasantries exchanged and its common.

If this has to happen in India!! Imagine a shop assistant asking a lady Aaj kaisi ho darling? or a bus driver wishing a passenger Avlida Jaaneman

I don't have to say!! You know it!!:-P

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We are Honest

And how we FLAUNT it!! :-P

 

Please to meet you

Last week, I had a discussion with my senior director at work. He is an American, he greeted me with a Hello and we shook hands. The grasp was firm, neither lousy nor crushing; and it was neither a blip nor a drag.

OK! The discussion went fine. Once I got back to my place, my mind started recollecting some of my handshake moments. Oh! not those moments when I won accolades all the time but those moments when I felt miserable. Ouch!! or Awww!! types.

As a kid, each one of us would have won some prize or the other. Be it for academics, sports, extra curricular or cultural activities. And it required you to walk on the dais and collect the prize from guest of honor. The earliest I could remember is when I was in Upper Kindergarten. I collected prize from a guest of honor; he offered to shake hands. I still recall his hands were so huge and me with a teeny-weeny hand could only grasp his index finger.

Hmm but why shake hands? Why not legs? Errr....:-P I know!! Handshaking was practiced in Greece as early as 4th century B.C - History of Handshake. To think of it. why would they have initiated a handshake? Hmm, to prevent the stranger who they are meeting from attacking? The best way to prevent a stranger from clobbering would be to hold his hand firmly? Never know!!

Anyway here are few handshakes that I have experienced and I am going to categorize them. Yup!! there ARE different types of handshakes and unique set of practitioners.

The Crusher Shake - Those types which you dread. The sadistic types, when the person crushes your palm like a nutcracker cracking your knuckles. Your fingers are crushed with a vicious grip; and all the while you have put up a wide grin. Grin on your face, tears ready to flow down...what a pity! Your palm is minced like a pulp and you wince with pain but with a wider grin :-P Worth an Oscar for putting up this normal behavior.

The Frenzy Shake - Very similar to the crusher. But the intensity ebbs and lows as the excitement of the person shaking your hand varies. The most effervescent the mood is, the more effusive the handshake would be. Your digits wilt under the grip; aah this is like being in a boot camp.Your wrists take the toll due to vigorous shaking and swirling.

The Superficial Shake - Such shakes leave you perturbed. Was I supposed to forward my palm? Did I do a mistake? Oh!! how embarrassing. These shallow ones are so flimsy that you do end up feeling awkward. I remember one of my teacher at school wished me for my birthday and when I forwarded my hand, she hardly grasped my hand. Maybe her school never taught her handshake etiquette!! Oh but she studied in the same school :-S

The Wrenched Shake - You want to loosen your elbow and shoulder joints? Go shake hands with this group. They would twist and turn you arm so much that your nuts and bolts at the joints would need tightening. And not to forget the aches. 

 The Clinger Shake - You are in a pitiful situation here. The hand shake done, you get into conversation and your hand is still clasped onto. Your palm gets sweaty, it blends with the other guy's sweat and creates a thin film around each others palm. Yet, the clinger just clings on and on, never letting it go!!. Either you try to unclasp in an artful way or enjoy the massage your palm gets in the process :-)

 The Soft Shake - From the ladies of course. This would be the soft, delicate and dainty one. They bring the guys into the line :-P

The Misfired Shake - Your hands and the his hands don't come together; yet both stick them out and it doesn't sync. Hurriedly, you pull it off together but nevertheless its not done!!

Do you folks have any more to add to this list? Please be free to shake hands with me!! :-)

What next for Paul?

Its been announced that Paul has decided to hang his boots. Yeah, 8 boots, all at at time.

 

He wont be predicting anymore, that is what his handlers have announced on "behalf" of him. Maybe "We want Paul for the pan" got his thinking hat on and he decided to quit!!

But the celebrity has been getting lot of offers, predicting sporting events, to be part of promotions by a Japanese fortune telling company. Media coverage was given to him more than the soccer matches. Spain wants to rechristen him as Pablo. He has a 24 hour security guard.

Now people, who does not want the octopus life, 8 legs are always better than 2 :-P  He is so famous, so many love him, many others love to hate him.

Alright, so Paul has decided to retire. But what if he just changes his mind? There are lot of job opportunities in India for Paul, THE place which seems to have plenty of jobs today!

After hyping him so much and projecting him as a celebrity, our Indian media would not think twice to hire him as a TV News presenter. Move away the Arnabs, the Banerjees and the Dutts. Here is Paul, the Oracle. Your job of spculating a news is not needed henceforth. No more speculations, no more shouting on top of your voice, no more confortonations. Leave it to Paul. He will predict correctly if Aiswarya Rai Bachan can see the moon or not this Karwa Chauth.

Where else can he best fit into other than out stock markets? Give the baton to him and he will rule! You and I can invest depending on his sooth sayings. Will it be the Bear or the Bull? Our MBAs have been mooted with the question and their predicament goes wrong. They would definitely need Paul's helping 'legs' to predict the correct result. Company's quarter results, our annual bonus all depend on it, is it not?

Talking about hiring Paul to be on TV, is it not more glamorous if he is part of our Bollywood? Run around trees. Eh? Not anymore, now couple run around swanky yacht, talk only in billions and vacation in the Bahamas in our Bollywood movies. Yet, they don't rake in any moolah. The Kites just fly away and the Raavan's 10 head chopped off. Our eight-legged Oracle could again come to rescue. We all know these producer's and director's penchant of casting foreigner and always a sure winner that he is!! he would be case in the lead role. Anyone could be his female co-star. Last heard Ms. Rakhi Sawant wants to feel his 8 limbs wrapped around her! Is she not the best option?

Oh yes!! the seat of power. The Great Indian Politics. Parties will hire his service to predict who would win the next election. Accordingly, come up with their strategy. Aww, don we know they are ready to go at any lengths? So they might even nominate Paul for the post of Prime Minister. Now, its easy! India does not have any rule which states a foreign born cannot be our country's PM. So Mr.Paul for PM. Yaaeeyy!! He does not have to talk much, just be the way our PM is. All he has to do pick one mussel from a tank and the preamble set and bills passed according to what he chose :-P

The cricketing league would not want want to be left behind in the race to grab him. They would try their level best to hire Paul to predict IPL matches. Who much cares playing for country anymore? IPL winners, man of the match et all. He would be called to present the cup to the winning team as well, such is his fame, spread far and wide.

A bit difficult job for him would be to predict when India and Pakistan would reach a truce on Kashmir. But never ever underestimate him. Just have him as your Minister of External Affairs, send him to Pakistan and yeah, not to worry, he will return safe folks!! Paella and sushi are not Pakistani delicacies, so have faith.

All said and done, in addition to living with the accolades, he has to put up with lot of issues here as well. Few left wings might not want soothsaying from an 'outsider'. They would vouch for the desi parakeets. Few religion fanatics will question his religion. Is he a minority? Then his predication are not considered!! Few regional fanatics would want to know which is his native tongue? How could he gorge on mussels from the neighboring state with whom we are fighting for water!!! Not done!!

If he decides to take up a job in India, Paul needs lot of good luck :-P

Saving Insignia from Blue and Pink

On popular demand, I am taking up this tag. This tag is being devoured like yummy cakes all around my blog network. I did not want to take up tags for some time, but its contagious you see!!

Neha, Nu and lostworld have tagged me. Pardon me if I have missed anyone else who has tagged me on the same. I am losing my memory, see, signs of growing old :-|

This tag is about listing at least 10 things you have done that your gender is not supposed to do or generally does not do. Hmm, being me, I do have few interesting things and few things that I want to do that my gender is not supposed to do. Now who set these rules!! I do not know. Anyway, its fun tag, let me not get into probing further.

I have gone against the principles of 'Girls do not do these things' and a 'Girl has to do do all these things' all the time. Been a rebel, continue to be a rebel and I am smirked upon. Well, nothing has changed me!!

So, apart from listing those things I have done that my gender is not supposed to do, I would also list about the things that I have not done which a girl is supposed to do.

1. Never been able to get myself to adorn my house's courtyard with a Rangoli or the Kolam. My mom always made it a point to have an elaborate Kolam before the sun came out. She had a magic in her fingers which I could never ever get. It was a girl thing but I could never learn the art!! I remember an incident. One day she was having a bad headache(when was headache ever good!! :-S) and she was coaxing me to draw a Kolam before the sun came out. I was sleepy, yet I grudgingly went out not able to withstand her nag anymore, swept the area and drew a Kolam, came back and slept. When she saw what I had done, she was shocked! She mentions it even to this day to anyone and everyone she meets. Well, what I did was draw something of this sort, in the name of Kolam.

She would never forgive me for this. I was such a tomboy that I could never get this girlie habit.

2. At work, more than writing lines of code, what i love is climbing ladders and pulling optical fibers and cables to connect my servers and switches. The servers, switches and cables are my babies! I love to plug in modules and assemble servers and chassis. This is only a guy thing which a support engineer(mostly a guy) does. But I like to get my hands bleeding. Yeah you folks read it right. One such day, I noticed blood flowing on the edge of the rack in my data center when trying to connect some cables and wires to my server. It was spooky, like a scene from a horror movie. I did not know where it was from. I just wiped it off and came back to my desk. It was then I noticed a cut on my wrist. Talk about working hard by giving off your blood and sweat!!

3. I can talk about lengths regarding the technical details, performance, price and value of cars and bikes. Now this is often considered a male domain. But these things have always fascinated me. My friends check with me if they want any information on latest models of car/bikes and their specifications. It so happened that in my 11th grade, I was discussing about the newly introduced bike Pulsar with a friend. This lady happened to share the same with her dad. Her dad had warned her not to continue her friendship with me, as he thought I had a boy friend; because it was not possible for a girl to know all the technical details of a bike!! And hence I would have a wrong influence on her :-S

4. I am a beauty illiterate. You may already know about that. I have a post dedicated on the same - Beauty Illiterate.
I do not know what an eye liner is, what a mascara is. I do not know what is the difference between a foundation or a concealer! Never tried them, never been to a salon except to trim my hair. I like it this way!!

5. I do not have girls as my friends. I can hardly count on my fingers the number of girl friends I have. I am very comfortable with guys and I get along with them very well. Can talk anything under the sun with ease with them, but not with girls! I do not like gossips, the mushy-mushy cho-chweet candy talks of girls, that's the reason.

6. I do not like dressing up. It takes me less than 2 minutes to dress. A pair of jeans or capris and a casual shirt or a Tee is all I need. No make-up, no jewelry. Actually these things irritate me. But as a typical women, I am very particular about my foot wear. :-P

7. I am constatnly told to slow-down at home and at work. I come across as an aggressive, dominant, no-nonsense person who speaks my mind out. Are these traits of men?? I do not know.

8. I love riding motor cycles. Used to regularly ride my husband's Yamaha RX135 before marriage. 2 stroke bikes are always thrilling. Now that I am married to him and stuck up for the rest of my life, he does not give his bike anymore :-P

9. I have had short layered bob cut until recently and I found it very very comfortable. Others around me thought I was too boyish and on an outcry, I had to let my hair grow :-(

10. I do not like laces, satin ribbons, braids and bows. I cannot flutter my eye lashes, neither can I be elegant, even when I am draped in a Saree.. Sorry!!

11. I am very adventurous. I like traveling to the places not explored, and end up venturing to areas that are closed or which are not open for visiting. Guys!! I tell you are not that bold at all. I have tough time coaxing them to join.

12. I was about to forget this one. I do not get scared of roaches, worms, lizards....

Phew!! Its really tough you see! I am done!! Yaaeyyy!

Almost everyone around have been tagged, so now to make it interesting, I am going to tag guys!! :-P wicked me

I tag Bikram, Nipun, et. What are the girlie things you have done or want to do guys? I wanna know!!

Guilty and Innocent Again and also Nameless :-)

As promised, I am here taking up 2 more tags today. One by Nipun and the other by Gayathri.

Let me take up Gayathri's first. Its sort of  confusing as this is an award which has no fancy picture or a Name. Its called NAMELESS Award. What I have to do is this

1. List 7 things about myself that nobody knows.
2. Pass this award on to 7 other people.
3. Comment on their blog and notify them that they have been tagged.  

So here I go

1. I am a systems software engineer toying with advanced technologies of virtualization and enterprise storage. 

2. I am very very very lazy. I have to literally push myself to do anything at all!!

3. I am a music maniac. Need music all the time except while sleeping. Languages no bar. In fact, I need music to work productively and if there is a situation where I cant have music like meetings, trainings, then I sing or hum, there is always a rhythm within :-) Preparing for exams as well required music on full volume. And yes, I sing pretty well, that's what I have been told and suggested to start getting trained formally.

4. I am upfront, bold, no nonsense, straight forward and frank person who cant fake or sweet talk. Tough to get promotions eh? What to do, cant help. 

5. I seem to have an excellent photographic memory. I can remember anything seen or read just a couple of times instantly. My friends used to surrender their credit card numbers and other important dates and facts to me. I tend to remember everything and anything, however irrelevant that be. Its more of a disadvantage as I also tend to remember things that I very badly want to forget!!!

6. I am a shoe freak. I cant stop myself from buying at least 1 pair of footwear if I ever cross a shoe store. Now a days, I close my eyes literally whenever I pass a shoe store as I already have 40+ pairs of footwear in all shapes and designs and have no more closet space at home!! Oh yeah!! by the way, got 2 pairs yesterday too :-P

7.  I like to learn new things and update myself. Want to learn painting and hone my photographic skills. I know 6 languages, learning Punjabi and Gujrati but my teachers are not regular and dedicated as their student is. Listening to me Punjabi and Gujrati teachers??? After this, few more languages :-D

Wow!! that was super seven. I tag

Bik
Neha
SG
Nipun
lost world
Samvedna
Rajlakshmi

Now the next tag :-)

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Nipun tagged me again for the 'Guilty or Innocent'. I had already done it last August and it was incidentally my first tag.

Here it is - Guilty or Innocent

But answering is fun, so thought let me answer again. You may find discrepancy in few answers. But that could be either because few things have changed since August or that I forgot the respective incidents and thus answered otherwise....Anyways its fun!!

The rules are thus…
RULE 1: You can only say Guilty or Innocent
RULE 2: You are not allowed to explain anything unless someone messages you and asks!
RULE 3: Copy and paste this into your notes , delete my answers, type in your answers and tag 20 of your friends to answer this.


I might just end up breaking all 3 rules :-)

Asked someone to marry you? Guilty

Ever kissed someone of the same sex? Innocent......but have been kissed by someone of the same sex :-)

Danced on a table in a bar? Innocent

Ever told a lie? Guilty

Had feelings for someone whom you can’t have back? Guilty

Kissed a picture? Guilty

Slept in until 5 PM? Guilty

Fallen asleep at work/school? Guilty

Held a snake? Guilty.....Not just held, but been garlanded a python :-)  It was 4 years back in Los Angeles. Let me share the picture

Been suspended from school? Innocent

Worked at a fast food restaurant? Innocent

Stolen from a store? Guilty

Been fired from a job? Innocent

Done something you regret? Guilty

Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Guilty

Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Innocent

Kissed in the rain? Guilty

Sat on a roof top? Guilty

Kissed someone you shouldn’t? Guilty

Sang in the shower? Guilty.

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? Guilty

Shaved your head? Innocent

Had a boxing membership? Innocent.

Made a girlfriend cry? (Guess its girlfriend or boyfriend) Guilty.

Been in a band? Innocent

Shot a gun? Innocent

Donated Blood? Innocent

Eaten alligator meat? Innocent

Eaten cheesecake? Guilty

Still love someone you shouldn’t? Innocent

Have/had a tattoo? Innocent....lot of temporary ones though.

Liked someone, but will never tell who? Innocent

Been too honest? Guilty

Ruined a surprise? Innocent

Ate in a restaurant and got really bloated that you couldn’t walk afterwards? Guilty.

Erased someone in your friends list? Guilty

Dressed in a woman’s clothes (if you’re a guy) or man’s clothes (if you’re a girl)? Guilty

Joined a pageant? Innocent

Been told that you’re handsome or beautiful by someone who totally meant what they said? Guilty

Had communication with your ex? Innocent

Got totally drunk on the night before exam? Innocent.

Got totally angry that you cried so hard? Guilty

Wooww!! Even though I am answering it the second time, it is fun!!

I would not tag 20 people, as most friends have already taken this up.

I tag whoever wants to take this forward :-)

Isn't this novel idea?

My attempt on Wordless Wednesday. Saw this at a pizza outlet. I so liked it. My friends told me that only I could think the wicked way. I want to prove them false and say that there are lot more who are as wicked as me....

What say :-)

Multipurpose Creative Reuse

Few things could be used otherwise than their normal usage. Leverage, optimize and reuse is the mantra. Some really creative usage of the ordinary for the extra ordinary :-D

Here they are

- Broom to spread oil on a large scale while preparing dosas :-)

- Banana doubled up as offering to deity and as a placeholder for incense sticks

- Footwear to beat up eve teasers.

- Charcoal doubling up as dish washing agent and as tooth powder

- Hockey sticks/cricket bats to bash up rogues.

- Horse shoe nailed to the main entrance of a house for luck and prosperity.

- Rice powder to draw rangolis/kolams.

- Sieve to look at the moon during Karwa Chauth

-  Soda bottles to knock off someone on the head.

- Saliva expelled in anger to INSULT somebody.

- Sacred ash or Vibuthi to adorn one's forehead as tilak doubles up as a cleaning agent for glass

- Paan stains to paint the town red.

These were all I could think of as of now. New creative ideas welcome :-) Shoot!!

Taxes and Tax Breaks

This post was supposed to be on my trip to Kerala. But I got an email from a friend which had a link to an article where American Mustache Institute wants tax break. for mustached people.

Funny and weird. Here is the link - Click

The longer the mustache, the more you save money!! Oh yeah!! why not? Think of its maintenance!! Now now!! this idea is great..Even Mona Lisa would grow one....:-)

But it was just the other way during the reign of Peter the Great, the Tsar of Russia. Known to tax beehives and drinking water, he levied taxes on men who grew beard in 1705. It was an attempt to ramp up his people with modernized Europe. 

There are few weird taxes and tax breaks all over the world. I read them in a leading newspaper during our Budget. Here are few wackiest ones.

 Tax on possession of illegal drugs in the state of Tennessee.

Tax for prostitution in few countries.

Training in the fine art of WITCHCRAFT in Netherlands gives you a tax-break!!. Now who wants to be a witch!! Brooms are also tax-free!!

Swedish Tax authority has the right to decide if the names parents chose for their children is acceptable or not. Its not taxable, but they have the final say!! Weird and offensive names are NO-NO

Until recently, Germany allowed tax breaks on bribes for businesses.

Taxes on cow burps and farts in countries like Denmark because these emit more methane than car!! What if this tax were implied to human beings as well?

Tax breaks to relocate your pet...Happens in America!! :-)

Tax breaks for business meetings held in the Bermudas and the Caribbean Islands!! Exotically business!!

Swimming pool for medical purposes!! YES!!!!

Tax breaks on cat food, they kept out rodents, why not!!

Foreign nationals gambling in the US are exempt from 30% of tax on their earnings in the USA.
I didnt know this when i went to Vegas!! :-(............Errrrrr..as if I would win!!

Tax breaks for sex toys in Australia....hmmmmmm..........

Decks of playing cards in Alabama gets taxed. Play and Get Taxed!!

Here are some of strangest tax laws in America

Now I have some ideas for tax breaks in India.

- Men must get tax breaks for not urinating on the road. Now how to track it??? I dont know.

- Tax breaks for not spitting on the road. Definitely.

- Tax breaks for not jostling.

- Tax breaks for using the dustbins.

- Tax breaks for following traffic rules.

- Tax breaks for following the queue.

- Tax breaks for not prompting "Adjust Please"

- Tax breaks for not groping at women in public transport.

Awwww.......I can go on and on......

Any more?

Wicked

Now, how many are already having those wicked smile :-P I see it!!
However angelic we claim we are, we would have done some harmless wicked stuffs. You bet!!! The happiness we get out of it...:-)

ITS WICKED

- When a lady bluntly rejects a friend request from a handsome hunk.

- When you inform your manager in the team meeting that he has not completed a task that YOU are depending on.

- Fill the remaining can of diet Coke with water before your colleague gets back to his desk.

- Send a mail from your friend's mail ID to the whole bunch that "I am getting married" when he is away leaving his system unlocked.

- Offer coffee mixed with salt to your guest who has dropped in unannounced, and then profusely apologize.

- Call up your colleague's cellphone in the midst of meeting and the phone sings "Kajraa re....Kajraa re"

- Give wrong directions to some one seeking directions on the road, instead of saying that you didn't know the place.

- Cut the strap of the footwear and ask your mom to buy a new pair.

- Wake up a soundly sleeping person and tell him/her that its late for work; when its actually dusk.

- Raise a false fire alarm at office and say "Oh, I accidentally pressed the switch".


Dont ask me what all I did. What all I did not do will be a shorter list :-P

Anymore to add to the lists :-P

Its fine...You Nut!!

• Have you ever responded with a "For what joy?" when your friend said that her uncle passed away?
• Were you trying to increase the TV volume with your cell phone?
• Have you ever royally typed your password in the wrong text box when there were people staring at your monitor?
• Have you smiled and wished someone Good Morning as you walked past by and was ignored?
• Did you squeeze out shaving cream in place of tooth paste and brush your teeth in sleepy mood and tasted something weird?
• Have you ever retorted with a "But Why????" when your colleague informs you that he is getting married?  
• Have you dialed your own phone number in distress and curse the supposed person for the constant busy tone?
• Have you sung aloud while listening to your ipod while commuting in a bus and noticed people giving funny looks at you?
• Have you held a hot vessel to pour milk instead of using a holder forgetting that you just boiled the milk, and shuddered?
• Have you wrapped around just a towel around you to open the door; in the middle of your bath; thinking it should be your family and then get embarrassed when its someone else?
• Have you pressed the accelerator when you had to press the brake and lose control of your car? 
• Have you tapped your desk in rhythm to the music outside forgetting that you are in a lecture hall and invite the teacher's wrath?
• Have you thrown the groundnuts away and held back their shells and before you pop it in your mouth, you realize what you did?
• Have you continued typing on your computer without realizing the focus is not on the editor? 
• Have you tried unlocking your house door by showing or swiping your badge and wonder why the door has not opened?
• Have you walked straight and banged into a glass partition just before the attendant informs you about it?
• Have you tried pressing Alt+F3 in vain instead of Alt+F4 when you were playing Farm ville and your manager walks by you unannounced? And then he says "Can you be my neighbor? :-D

 
Most of the above quoted has happened with me. Its fine to be a nut!!

Ways to beat boredom

Yes!! you guessed it right!. I am bored! Did everything, pinged friends online, read blogs, passed comments, did some office work after logging from home, finished house chores...

But BORED. You walk up and down in your room, scan 360 degrees to figure out if there is anything interesting, Nothing!!! To complicate, I am lazy to move out to feed my hungry stomach!!

I am hungry, but lazy to cook, Oh I am also bored!! Weird isnt it? No its not. It happens with any NORMAL human being and I am absolutely, insanely normal :-D

There are some interesting ways to beat your boredom. Its fun!!!

- Watch any song and dance from Indian movies - with MUTE. Just watch the shakes and moves without any volume and see how much fun it is!!

- Go dig your kitchen, count the rice grains in your stock. Improves your math skill

- Make prank calls to your bank's customer service executive. Take revenge. Bully them; just do once what they do always with you. There's no sadistic pleasure than this :-D (Wicked smile)

- Pick your nose. Clear and make way for health paved with boogers :-P

- Fill a large bucket of water using a seive. Grow your wisdom!!

- Scratch yourself. No!! nothing weird. Definitely a feel good factor

- If you have someone beside you, pick lice from his/her head. Hygiene around you, anytime good.

- Try reading a book while the pages face a mirror. Its challenging!!

- Untie all of your shoe laces, tie them back. There are more than 15 ways to tie them!!

- Blog about being bored!!!!

Yeaaayyy!! Here are 10 points. Try them and beat your boredom to death people!!

What are your favorite ways? Share them  :-)

Indian Movies, Masti and Emotions

I assume most of you know Hindi. So far, there has been no 'videshi' reader yet!! :-P

Before you jump into any conclusion, NO I am not writing a post in Hindi.

My ever-lasting source of fun and a good laughter is watching old Indian movies. You know, those kind of movie where the hero and the heroine were bulky and shapeless and with paunch. I am not saying its a crime, they represented common man. Not everyone has a 6 pack or a size zero or flat abs!!

Those movies where the actor wore green pant, yellow shirt and red shoes...Govinda types. Those type of movies where dances were like exercises taught at schools.

1 - raise your right hand, 2 - raise your left hand, 3 - right foot forward, 4 - left foot forward...types.

Those type of movies where hero is poor, has a sick mom, a sister yet to be married, who is financially weak and falls in love with a rich chick kinds....


More than any of these, those movies where dialogues just give you a high!! yeah a high or is it low??? Certainly it makes me laugh.....

Ajee sunte ho, munna ke pitaji............

This is a wife seeking husband's attention. Do we find this in movies nowadays? Now its "Rizwan..my son is no more"

Pithaji, maaf kardijiye.....

Those formal mouthing of dialogues!! Did everyone speak so formally in those days? It seems very made up and rehearsed. They are full of emotions, overdose of emotions. Were people over-emotional then?

Swaami, main dhanya hun

Vats, is baaliko ko andhar le chalo

Taj unke kareeb nahin hota jinke kareeb khauf hota hain - one of the dialogue from Mugal-e-azam
Yeh aap kya keh rahe hain bhai saab?

Unki aatma batak rahi hai.....The ghost!!

Yeh kya anyaay hai bhagwan!!

Bhagwan, maine aaj tak tumse kuch nahin manga, aaj pahli baar kuch maang raha hun

Once again, I know its redundant to mention it, but I nudged Gautam to utter few dialogues he could recall. I was sure he will come up with never thought about dialogues. Thats why I encourage him to participate in discussions with me!!

Here are his lines......

hamari iccha yeh hai ki, ye duniya itna zaalim na ho...

kitna sundar upaay balika

He even recalled a Britannia 50-50 advertisement that went on the lines of old movies

premalatha, ye duniya kitna zaalim hain...

kyun na hum kahi jaakar atma hatya kar le

kyun na hum britannia 50 50 khaakar zindagi ka aanand lein

There are few classic dialogues; I bet these are universal to India and that they are available in all languages. The names never change, the tones never change, the style never change....

Mein tumhari bachche ki ma banne wali hoon......(the helpless pregnant lover)

Bhaiyyyaaaaaaaaaa!!!.................(the all protecting elder brother)

Ramu kaka...(omni present bawarchi)

Ek baar mujhe ma kehkar pukaaro beta....(with an earnest look)

Doodh pi lijiye....(On the first night, a shy wife telling her newly wed husband)

Bhabhi, tumhare haath ki chai peene ko man kar raha hai ...........(Love oozing out...a loving brother-in-law yearning for bhabhi's haath ki banayi hi chai!!!)

Bachhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaoooooooooo..................HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

Maa, mein first class pass hogaya maa!!

Driver!! gaadi roko...

Yeh behcaari begunah hai...Thats all your honor.

This can go on and on....

Just fast forward and think about the dialogues in movies now. Its all "Yo!" , "Dude", "Saala", "Kaminaey"......

The world is a global village, so our communication is also inspired...mix of this and that!!

Sample this....

jhakkaas

thok dega tere ko saale

kya samjha apun ko

mamu nahi

boley toh apun ko bhi kuh kuch
holey raha ha biddu

oye..milli...milli....sun na...kya hai munna? hum sochraela ke apun ko settle hone ka

All said and done, its our staple diet in entertainment!

And yes, please mention your favorite dialogue from old movies while commenting :-)

Main ja rahi hoon.....main ja rahi hoon.............Alvida.

:-P

Going overboard!!

Its basic human tendency to go overboard, or rather its our birthright to go overboard!! Why not? We get bliss out of it!! I would not want to analyze why one tends to overboard. Go figure out yourself!!! Yet, I will throw in an idea about what 'overboard' I am not talking about!!!

I am NOT talking about Over or as if over the side of a boat or ship.


Instead, I am talking about going to extreme levels; due to enthusiasm!! curiosity!! hyper-energetic!!!

See!! See!! Just like me !! I am so hyper-energetic at the moment that I want to use !!!!!! as much as possible!!!!

:-D !!!!

How many times in a day do you go overboard and do things out of your way?? Is a day too much? Well, I bet it isn't!!

Errr...did I just analyze? See!! I told ya I am hyper-energetic at the moment!!!

NO!! I have not consumed any alcohol yet!!

Well, coming to the point, I go overboard whenever I hear a new song. I keep listening to it back to back with the 'repeat' mode on; until I really start hating the song that I loved!!

I go overboard trying to help my colleagues, friends, playing agony aunt. They don't thank me!! forget thanking, they don't even realize the importance!!

No cribbing! I am happy happy!!

I go overboard most times when I safely hide my credit card in a purse and hide the purse beneath heap of clothes in the cupboard. When I want them, I search and search in vain!! After much futile attempt, I call up customer care and block the cards, and Lo!! I remember where I hid them!!!

I go overboard ordering a sizzler, beans spud, mushroom caps grilled; at my favorite restaurant. Only that, when my order arrives, I feel I can eat them for 3 days!!!

A guy goes overboard wooing the lady, in vain; because he has got everything wrong right from her choice of perfume to her hatred for onions!!

Women go overboard trying to look slim and end up being anorexic!!

A computer goes overboard, trying to multi-task and multi-process and multi-thread....(Computer jargon...mind you..All 3 are different); in vain and then hangs itself!!!



A daughter-in-law goes overboard trying to keep mom-in-law happy, only to face her wrath!!

A son-in-law goes overboard trying to keep both his newly wed wife and his mom happy!! Is it ever possible????

Hmm, Neha goes overboard trying to prove that she is CONCEITED while I go overboard trying to prove that I am HUMBLE!!!

:-P

And here is the final straw!! Whoever has the guts to GO OVERBOARD, can pick this award!!
Yeah?? ..........Yeah!!!!!

Phunny English

Its been quite some time since I wrote a thing on English. Here it is now.

We speak English, variety of them, mixing and matching with our own vernaculars...a potpourri of a different language in itself arises. As they say, Hinglish, Tanglish, Kanglish, Punjlish and what not.

The mission is accomplished if the matter to be conveyed is understood; be it in whatever manner or whichever English. True, that's why we are able to dominate the services sector and India is a melting pot of different languages and still we could communicate.

I have already put my views about pronunciation and orthography in the post - Ingilees or English?

There's one more dimension to manipulating the language by us. Its the speaking error; like the typing error.

Sample this - I sawed it

Oh no!! I was shocked to hear this statement from my junior engineer at work. "Saw" is by itself a past tense, you want to past past tense it again???

Instead, let me get sawed; will be saved from hearing such language!!

There's another common speaking mistake I have come across.

"There are lot of peoples" .....PEOPLES???? Plural'ing a plural?
"I have 2 childrens".......Poor children, imagine their plight!

A computer instructor once said See in the computer - his literal translation for "Computer mein dekho"

And here - Rain is coming - From where baby?
I once corrected a friend of mine; that the more appropriate way was to say "It is raining"
Guess what? Phutt! came the response. So then it is It is bussing instead of "Bus is coming"

I learnt my lesson not to correct anyone henceforth.

Then there's this He didn't told me........what??.....that you are killing him by your language????

Another most ignored blunder is when a pronoun is replaced by an adjective while referring to a third person

"Let she come" is what most people say. The meaning is of course conveyed but the usage absolutely wrong.

One more unavoidable kind is the influence of vernacular. I had this computer instructor who was from Bengal. He was once talking about usage of computers and he said Automated Tailor Macin

That was the ABC of computers we were learning and we all thought he was obviously referring to sewing machine; but when he wrote the spelling on the board; it was "Automated Teller Machine"

:-S

Awww...how could I forget people ending up replacing a simple word with a complex one just to show off that they use sophisticated words. "Revert" is used in synonymous to "reply". How very wrong!!!

"Revert" means "to go back to original". How can it be used instead of "reply"

I will revert to you later....... which means Sometimes later, I will become YOU....instead of plain and simple "I will get back to you later".

Jargon yes...but all wrong.

And extension of it is "revert back". I cant understand using "revert back to you" in any plausible manner!!

The cake here - Revert back to me with information
It would literally mean that I am asking you to get that information and become ME and back!!
(Maybe you can become ME if you drink some magic potion!!!)

Absolute nonsense!!

Its similar with repeat again , refer back and return back. Redundant usage.

Finally, its the one that irritates- SIMP-SIMPLY

Oh its not a new word that's been added in English. Its the literal translation of "Chup-chupke"

I am SIMP-SIMPLY dying here; unable to bear this all.............

Spare me!!

The I tag :-)

You know how trainings can be boring!! And if its a core technical training; with some theory and lab exercises where you go dig and mutilate the servers, products; its still boring. Especially when you are interested from an engineering point of view, but the scope of the training is only administrative.

OK, what I want to say is. I am in this boring training for 4 full days. I cant sit; I cant laugh; I cant make fun of my colleague cant laugh; cant comment. I am fed up; waiting for the last day; that's tomorrow. You might ask me why am I putting up with it? That's because its a Certification course and my organization has paid 40K for me to get trained; so don't want to waste the org's money!! I am a goody goody girl..:-D

At the end of it all, I would have learnt something new!! Yeah, so to beat the boredom, I shamelessly asked Neha to tag me. That she would a bit later; but asked me to take up a tag for now; but I was told to take up the tag with the letter "I"; instead of the starting letter of my name.

Hmmm...so what? I shall. So here it is.


1. What is your name: I :-P
2. A four Letter Word: init - (Its the first process in a UNIX system which spawns all other processes). I told ya that I was in a training!!! Can't help!!
3. A boy's Name: Ishant
4. A girl's Name: Ina
5. An occupation: Ichthyology...hmm Investment Banking is lucrative, or is it anymore?
6. A color: Indigo
7. Something you wear: ID badge
8. A food: Ice cream!!!
9. Something found in the bathroom: Instant Facial Masque
10. A place: Iceland
11. A reason for being late: I missed the bus!!
12. Something you shout: Idiot!!!
13. A movie title: Inglorious Bastards
14. Something you drink: Iced Tea
15. A musical group: Iron Maiden
16. An animal: Impala
17. A street name: Infantry Road in Bangalore
18. A type of car: Infiniti
19. Something scary: Ice caps melting in the polar region due to global warming :-(
20. Ice cream flavor: Icing on the Cake by Baskin Robbins...Yummyyy..

PS : A couple of stuffs beginning with 'I' was tough. But I made it!!!...yeeeeaaayyy!!!

Taking a Lift?

Warning to SG, Gautam, Neha and AS. You have already read this post. I am re-posting it; becuase I am too busy to be writing anything new; and I genuinely feel there's no harm reading it second time; and above all, I want as many people to read this and enjoy!!
So go ahead :-)

Call them lifts or elevators; we cant do without them in our daily lives. Office lifts have rich tales to tell, only if they had the ability to yell!
Alas! NO.

An office goer would use the lifts at least 4 times a day. The lifts are silent spectators of human embarrassment and an apt place for research on human behaviors. How does one initiate a conversation with someone who is going to share that tiny space with you for not more than 1 minute? How do you stand in the tiny confinement of cramped space and yet not invade the private space of others? How do you develop the art of staring into space?

Most people would prefer to have the lift all by themselves. Yeah me too! I revel in excitement when I get into a lift and there's no one around. I can make a phone call and talk loud. I can look at my reflection on the polished walls of the lift and make sure I am presentable. I can relax, lean against the wall....hum my favorite tune, take the entire space and practice dance moves, curse someone.....

Image from http://www.savagechickens.com/tag/elevator

But that's not the case always. More often than not; we happen to share this cramped heavenly space with number of others. Lift experiences have always been annoying to me.

Most of us would have been part of few of the annoying situations more often - either by being the VICTIM or the CULPRIT. Lets find that out.


1. People tend to shout loud speaking on the phone while on the lift. Yelling improves the network signal, is it? Why are they not considerate enough to hold the call unless they leave the lift.

2. Another obsessive attitude of folks is to stand right in front of the control panel even when the lift is empty! What are you trying to do? Its understandable if the lift is crowded and you would want to stay as away as possible. That's the proper etiquette; but protecting the panel such that no one else can use it.....argh!!

3. I would like to occupy any one of the four corners of the lift space to let people come in and go out of the lift with ease. If the corners by chance are the front ones, it doesn't mean I AM THE LIFT OPERATOR!. I would definitely offer to press the buttons and hold the floor. But no, I ain't getting paid for it Mr. Where has the courtesy of "Please" and "Thank you" gone when one offers to press the buttons?

Image from www.cartoonstock.com

4. Its coldly amusing to be confronted by people just right in front of the lift door as it opens. They want to rush inside the lift even before the people trying to get out of the lift. Its a feeling of getting slapped hard on your cheeks. Guys! wake up. The lift is all yours but only for 60 seconds. Why do you barge in? Whats in store? Nothing interesting, just few boring and frustrated folks. Likewise, don't ever assume people have supernatural powers to pass through you to exit the lift if you hijack the only exit available.

5. Conversing aloud when inside the lift. Its so annoying to hear people complain about their work and their bosses in the lifts. Keep your drudgery conversations to yourself guys.

6. LADIES! LADIES! Its not your rest room to give yourself a makeover, highlight hair and clean your nails! Its very embarrassing for others who is on the lift with you. And please no.. no.. no.. gossips. Get that...huh?

Image from http://www.cartoonstock.com/directory/s/stressful_working_gifts.asp

7. What do you call people who get a sadistic pleasure out of pressing all the buttons on the control panel just before they get out at the ground floor? The lift stops at each floor, 10 seconds to open the door, 30 seconds waiting and 10 seconds to close the door and start all over again.....

8. The lift is full, why do you want to try squeezing in and delay others?

9. If your office is in 1st or 2nd floor, whats the harm in taking stairs? People using the lift to travel less than 3 floors must be PROSECUTED!

10. Another thing that could drive you barmy is when someone holds the lift and the whole bunch of folks doing a ramp walk to get in. Least considerations to people already in the lift. Or when someone holds the lift and has a conversation with a person outside the lift not wishing to get in. What the heck! Disembark! Finish off your lovely CHANGE THE WORLD conversation , there's always the next lift..

11. Pressing the lift button continuously does not speed up the lift to go faster. Yet, people tend to do it. the lift is no Cow or Horse, lash it out and it runs faster buddy!

12. The DISGUSTING of them all...Breaking wind! Please don't do it. Don't even try it silently. Your face will give away.

Image from http://www.savagechickens.com/tag/elevator

13. THE FATHER OF ALL PUNISHABLE OFFENCE
You are on the lift, you are about to close the lift and notice someone running for the lift, please be kind enough to hold the door so that they can get in. This exact thing happened to me last week. A lady was on a lift, she saw me running towards the lift and phut! she pressed the button and the door slammed shut on my face. She looked exalted and in high spirits with her success as if she was on a high after guzzling down a couple of beers!. I wanted to punch on her lovely face!

Image from http://www.cartoonstock.com/directory/e/elevator_doors.asp

Folks, I tell you there is nothing worse than seeing the lift open as one tries to get in and the lift door slams shut in the face. At least try to put up a sorry sad face and not an amused one!

Hoping for better experiences...

And yes, before signing off, the most stupid question people ask...

IS IT GOING UP/DOWN?



People, look at the panel; which direction is the arrow blinking? Why do you waste 10 seconds of my precious time?