Saturday, July 9, 2011

I'm a Hypocrite

I don' cheat nobody.

But myself. My virtues and the damn ethical principles I have set for myself; for whatever good reasons dont let me cheat others. Time and again, it has backfired; yet I dont learn lessons from them. I try to be too nice to people; go out of my way to help them; so much so that its not their fault that they are taking me for a ride. Its just that I am exposing myself.

Whatever  happened to that thing called self esteem? Where did I lose it? When did I lose it? I am not ashamed to accept my flaws. I keep pondering about it; what makes me too nicer to people? What makes me behave so humble with certain people? What do I need from them? Money? Unfortunately; I tend to be the spender :-) So this is out of question. Friendship? Shit!! Most of them are fair weather friends. Physical intimacy? No way!!

So what is it? The way I grew up - turbulent and chaotic? Has this molded me in believing I am a lowly creature? Has that instilled in me the idea that my worth is based on how certain people behave with me? Am I of value only if I get that desired care and attention from the people I wish I did than those who are out there for me?

Hell!! No! If that was it, why do I throw up an aggressive and spiteful behavior with others? Why do I treat few others like shit? Why do I remain unapproachable and walk around with an air around me?

Why do I carry a dual personality? I am a selfish person; selectively choosing as I stride. I walk in haste; scared of encountering unfortunate things; yet I am foolish - falling in traps that are too obvious to be noticed.

I put up a mask of confidence when I am scared within. I have insane guts when I ought to be scared. I hold on to someone who dont care for me and more importantly who dont deserve my love when I ought to let go; I kick someone on the gut who are genuinely waiting for me. Its the fear of losing one side and the audacity another side. I am not an angel but a vicious serpent.

I am a Hypocrite - a bitchy one at that.


  1. There are many people like you! Even I am like that some times! And it's perfectly normal! But key is to get a control of yourself. You need to draw a line, set your limits when you operate in extremes. Personality is fine, if you know to handle it. You are an amazing person..It's nice to be nice. people love you for that. but don't let them take your undue advantage ever! If they do so, then smack them! Period!

    You rock! :)

  2. Hey dear..feel like humming Jagjit's Yeh Jo Zindagi ki kitaab hai...for you.

    We do,regret,again do..and thus goes on.At times questioning, reasoning and doubting like these..happens.Only thing being,at some stage if people like you or me come to a conclusion that these are all in vain,there starts the real kahani of life.We will be totally indifferent..I am sure you will eventually master all these..

    Such occasions,I used to say myself,'after all,am here as a human being,with all those minuses,troubles and traumas..not as a prophet who tend to be into 'rights'...let go !

  3. Very self-critical. I don’t know what to say.

    Here is a (tweaked) line from Rajnikanth. Instead of looking and waiting forever for love and affection from someone who don’t care for you, it is better to be happy and reciprocate the love and affection that someone is already showering on you. At least, you will have peace of mind and enjoyable life.

  4. An introspection is always good ,shows that you have control over your mind and life.Look what all you have achieved so far - you are doing great and the right things.Go easy on your self B .I feel that you are a wonderful person.

  5. B, this gives me more idea into writing something, that is in my mind since sometime.

    Was this self analysis, introspection?
    Then, B, the guts to say that one is not a saint and is a bitchy witch,with all infallibility that many deny in them !

    It's a make believe world out there! And your assertions are refreshing.

  6. Awareness is the biggest of lessons they say. Acceptance takes courage. Sharing takes maha courage.

    This is an everyday problem in every land in almost every mind ! As all other comments before have stated, mine included !

    I think the best is to stay aware, accept what is due and get on with life ! Thats atleast what I have told myself ! :)

  7. This is well written. And might have been very difficult to pen down. To confess. To accept. I appreciate this.

  8. Eureka! I was thinking on the same lines since yesterday. I was wondering why do I care about few while I ignore others.

  9. majority people do this but do not accept it

  10. Wow, that was one massive rant. I understand that sometimes our own traits frustrate us. We know how we ought to behave but we behave otherwise. I have been guilty of doing the same sometimes. But, these days, I have learnt to behave more true to my actual feelings. But, one has to remember not to hurt too many feelings too. It is always a fine line and a struggle to balance the two! You are not a hypocrite, if you were, you would not be talking and acknowledging this behavior :).

  11. I think many of us go thru' this stage. I also sometimes feel that after being so good I don't get anything in return. I don't have any material expectation. But many people around me, I feel are selfish and mean , it hurts.

  12. ur outpourings took me back to my own post written some months back:

    d 2nd para seemed like my own voice!

    thanks 4 writing, m sure it'll find resonance in many a heart.

  13. For a moment I was like.. is she talking about me?? we sure are quite alike :-)

  14. oh ho what brought that up..
    Sometimes Its good to ask others what they think of you :) to know the right you..

    Ethics and pronciples set up can never be a DAMN :) it makes a person a better person cause you have them, check out the ones who dont have any .. plus its always hard to live by ethics and OWN principles ..

    why do you treat a few like shit , well maybe they dont deserve to be treated any better .. who knows..

    I dont know much but what i think is you are a beuatiful human being and to me I am happy you are there .. angel or serpent i dont know but be what you are always .. it brings a smile to a lot of people ..

    Take care and SMILE :)


  15. Neha,

    Yeah its normal :) We are like that :)
    Thank you :)


    Exactly! we are humans and have our plus and minus :)


    Thanks. Its not that my mind is not peaceful or that I am not enjoying my life.
    Just my random rants :)


    Yeah, just to appraise myself :)


    Well yes it was. I just thought writing it down might make things better :)

    I am waiting to read about that something you want to write Anil :)


    haa nothing like that. We all have dual nature. Its normal, we just tend to ignore


    :-) Thanks. It wasnt that tough :)


    Haa it happens with all of us. Maybe the forbidden fruit lures us :)


    True :)


    :-) Thank you. I am surprised that you think I am not a hypocrite :-P


    Yes chitra. People are smart! We arent :)

    Pranavam Ravi,

    Welcome to B Log. Thanks :)


    Thanks for that link. Let me check.

    What surprises me is that most of them accept that we have dual nature :) Its so normal right?


    :P Lol


    Thanks a lot. Nah nothing to be worried about. I was just self appraising myself. everything is fine with me :)

  16. Nice post.

    Your thoughts are simply superb. Indeed, i agree to the fact that you might be a true hypocrite. Because, hypocrisy is seen almost in all the people in the world. But, people often act smart trying to show what they proud to be a hypocrite...

  17. Nice post..I liked it.


I'd love to know what you thought :-) Please shoot!