I don' cheat nobody.
But myself. My virtues and the damn ethical principles I have set for myself; for whatever good reasons dont let me cheat others. Time and again, it has backfired; yet I dont learn lessons from them. I try to be too nice to people; go out of my way to help them; so much so that its not their fault that they are taking me for a ride. Its just that I am exposing myself.
Whatever happened to that thing called self esteem? Where did I lose it? When did I lose it? I am not ashamed to accept my flaws. I keep pondering about it; what makes me too nicer to people? What makes me behave so humble with certain people? What do I need from them? Money? Unfortunately; I tend to be the spender :-) So this is out of question. Friendship? Shit!! Most of them are fair weather friends. Physical intimacy? No way!!
So what is it? The way I grew up - turbulent and chaotic? Has this molded me in believing I am a lowly creature? Has that instilled in me the idea that my worth is based on how certain people behave with me? Am I of value only if I get that desired care and attention from the people I wish I did than those who are out there for me?
Hell!! No! If that was it, why do I throw up an aggressive and spiteful behavior with others? Why do I treat few others like shit? Why do I remain unapproachable and walk around with an air around me?
Why do I carry a dual personality? I am a selfish person; selectively choosing as I stride. I walk in haste; scared of encountering unfortunate things; yet I am foolish - falling in traps that are too obvious to be noticed.
I put up a mask of confidence when I am scared within. I have insane guts when I ought to be scared. I hold on to someone who dont care for me and more importantly who dont deserve my love when I ought to let go; I kick someone on the gut who are genuinely waiting for me. Its the fear of losing one side and the audacity another side. I am not an angel but a vicious serpent.
I am a Hypocrite - a bitchy one at that.