But....
I have noticed changes in me that is telling me that God! I am aging...faster than I thought I would. I think this is what everyone will go through and I should not find myself anxious. I am just going through the natural process...Am I?
For one, I strongly feel my profession stresses me more than what other professions could to other people. Again, wallowing in self pity and consoling myself. Not really. The bloody MNC corporate world doesnt leave you unless they have squeezed the last drop of juice out of you. Peer pressure or the lack of it? Create one. Competition, criticism, back stabbing, manipulating....
Who the hell influenced me to take up engineering? Its making me old, bored and zombie like. It is all like finding fool's gold now. We the software people have taken an oath that we would remain sophisticated slaves for generations and savvy beggars. I would rather go begging - its tax free!
These days, the slide and spike of rupee is more interesting to me than Tom & Jerry. Of course; I want the rupee to slide whenever I am selling my shares isnt it? How self centered I can be? The price of a kg of tomato worries me more these days. And yeah; why do I read political and economic news than enjoying Calvin & Hobbes?
Isnt something terribly wrong here? Or is this how things are with people growing old? Unwanted worries of life, am I still attractive to my spouse? Oh the belly fat? Will he/she be bored after a while?
Waking up with "Oh! today is the last day to pay my credit card due and I have no enough balance left!" is such a sad thing.
My mirror shows gray hair and pigmented skin. I turn around and see a slight bulge near my waist. I get angry sooner, I cant see humor in tough times. Nor can I take few things light. I think twice to show my middle finger to morons who spoil my day. Never thought about the consequences anytime ever. But now I do. Why?
Fear of losing the earning that pays my home loan? Fear of losing my identity? Fear of not being able to live my dreams fueled by money - traveling, photography? Fear of facing the fear? Thats it! Compromise, collaboration, diplomacy....BULL CRAP!!!
Why to worry about staying at home without a job? Worried about compromising life style? Worried about education going waste? Worried about boredom? I dont know!
These are all the confusions and questions for which I dont have an answer. I do know I am not alone. Oh yeah! I know very well I am aging. Because I dont show interest in listening to a new music as I used to. I feel tired waking up, lying awake and going to sleep. I am being pulled into responsible (sic) roles! CRAP!
All go to hell!!!!
Just another phase of so called life...Loved reading those honest ramblings..Cheers, ( and yes,I have this vacuum within me now)
ReplyDeleteMelange, and I m just 31!! Think about it! Isnt it scary? What about people who have lived till their ripe age. My god! But its nice to blabber once in a while :) Love :)
DeleteMy mirror shows stressed eyes, pigmented skin and yep, more than just a bulge near my waist. I too get angry sooner, I cant see humor or smile too easily either. Sharing my thoughts on your post:
ReplyDelete1. We are all entitled to self-doubt. It's actually a good sign that we are questioning and contemplating what is happening within and around us.
2. In Subroto Bagchi's book Go Kiss the World, he gives detailed descriptions of similar corporate struggles. I want to share two awesome quotes from his book. One is "People who create great impact suffer from moments of great soul-searching" and the second quote is this," As a marathon runner knows, success is about your capability to withstand pain, longer."
3. And whenever we go through this 'thinking phase,' it helps to focus with positive energy and understanding on what you really want. If you are able to continuously visualize and feel it whenever you feel unhappy, that can make a big difference to the present and the future. Thoughts are powerful, particularly positive, happy thoughts. Keep'em coming.
:-) These are really nice words from you Swapna. You are right. Its a way to reflect and correct. But it does have a downside. The quotes are so true isnt it? A person who is passionate cant take criticisms, takes too much to care of and does lot of soul searching.
DeleteSometimes I feel if all these suffering is worth and then I think about the pluses. Its great! Thank you for the kind words
Very heart breaking post. I sympathize with all the IT people for their 24/7 suffering at work and no private life. We, non IT people, also have the same problems at work. Long hours and no private life. At least, on the first of the month, you all have a very fat paycheck deposited in your bank account. We don’t. Same suffering with no fat pay check.
ReplyDeleteOn a personal note, you not aging. You are as beautiful as I met you years ago.
SG,
DeleteWe are sophisticated slaves you know. Its stupid. Along with the sterotype that goes on in countries like India. For e.g. You havent worked in the US? Oh! Its taken as someone who is not good enough to work in the US. C'mon! there are folks who shun US opportunities. Or oh 10 years in IT? You havent become a manager yet? Phew! They dont know some people consciously choose technical career path.
Hahaha yeah I know the long hours and no private life thing. Oh not on 1st SG. My pay gets credited on 30th or 31st :-)
Thank you for saying so. You are flattering me.
I want time to feel bored. I don't have that. That boredom that comes from doing nothing or having to do nothing at all. And not the boredom of doing the same thing again and again. I now realise that it's a luxury we had.
ReplyDeleteNeha,
DeleteBeing occupied is good. But being occupied with all the wrong things isnt. I am occupied currently with all the wrong things thats hurting my peace of mind. Bang on! I am bored. I want to do something new. But thinking about it do we get bored quickly and easily than our parents' generation? I dont know. It could be. but so what? We get worked out much faster and earlier than what they would have gone through
You should find time for a hobby - reading, writing, gardening , cooking or something you are interested in...otherwise all our lives we will do nothing but rant ! (My friend who was in a much terrible phase who had problems at work and at home started gardening in her balcony and she finds immense solace in it ! )
ReplyDeleteTrue Anita. What scares me is that I had stopped doing things I liked. Nothing matters more than our well being and happiness.
DeleteHey :) how you doing stranger..
ReplyDeletewell I think for me its good I am busy else I will get into doing silly things as usual ..
It seems I do nothing these days other than work, garden is growing wild, hockey has gone for six the last i played was almost a year ago, the bike rides i went have not happened for more than a year now .. although I took it out and rode it ONCE so far ..
I need a 48 hour day
Im doing fine Bikram. Yeah not being busy also has its disadvantages. I anytime want to be occupied which gives me steady pay than sitting at home doing nothing and dent my economy.
DeleteThats the thing; it would be a balance between work and other side of our life. We sometimes tend to take work as reason for existence
It need not be ,"just another phase of life". You should not seek consolation in the fact that there are others like you too. Don't you think that when we latch on to these two excuses we become morons and one who is afraid to face off?
ReplyDeleteHonestly by this posturing I do not intend to absolve me of all these confusions and similar state that you are now in, and the questions you ask now.
What we should have is the courage to take the road less traveled.
So B, when you feel that you had enough of extraneous factors overriding you, back pack and move on where ever you want to go.
Anil,
DeleteDefinitely. Seeing you guys on the newspaper did have an effect. Its all upto me now to pull up my socks.
First of all,I don't agree with the title...
ReplyDeleteTrust me,ageing so satisfying .I don't mean getting old as these two are entirely different subjects and one relates to the state of mind.
And,Bindu,such good looking girls like you never get old.
Enjoy your life
Chowla sir,
DeleteThanks a lot. You are being generous. Yeah the "I'm aging" is more of a metaphor to the way I am living. Stopped doing all the things I used to apart from work. Been holding on to stupid stuffs and getting bored. Nothing apart from work. My sedentary lifestyle could affect my health.
Yeah so far now so good. But if I continue this way its going to be bad for me. This is the rambling and realization post . Thanks a lot sir
Ah.. you just stole the words out of my mouth... I don't even take out to sit n write as well.... software engrs really need to break away from the corporate mill thats gnawing on your personal life.. sigh!
ReplyDelete:-) Yeah Meety I am sure you'll understand my ramblings. :-)
Delete