Me

Ego clashes

Pride beckons

Anger seers

Humiliated! one says

Don't assume

Ask why

You never know what might come up

Comforts the other. 

Who'll get away?

Ego? Has good chance! 

I'm the best of all! 

I am always right!

Now fuel me more! 

Who is in me? 

Go away you ego! go away you pride!

You are all broken!,  you are all fake!

Who is in me? 

Lift the veil of self

Stripped of ego

Is me...

Naked

Unabashed

Of me...

A recent conversation spurned these thoughts. 

After the storm....Is a Myna

Obviously its a Lull! A flurry of activities, energy sucking discussions and decisions, revisiting strategies and agreeing on a common ground and then all set and done....it seems like an anti-climax....At work! Done with a major deliverable. All these days I didn't know when the sun set or when it rose, but now it seems I can hear every tiny sound and feel every little thing around me.

So I have been sleeping at work most noons only to be woken up around 3:15 Pm everyday by a myna. We moved to a new building within the campus and I sit beside the window. She (I am assuming its a she) promptly comes everyday post 3 and sits by singing and cooing. The glass partitions us. I observe her body language, she nods, she turns, she supposedly expands herself and calls.... The tiny feathers around her head spread like a porcupine and again they settle. She cackles and it continues. Its a pleasant and welcome break to watch her perform and hear her chuckle instead of staring at the laptop and engrossed in work.

Little bit of movement, she flies away. So I am very careful not to move; sometimes she has another one for company and then there are pigeons as well.  I did click few pictures today but as there is a glass division; the picture did not come clear. I am planning to open the glass pane a bit and feed her grains everyday. Lets see. To keep her company, I can keep my fish bowl on the sill. I have 2 Platis and 4 crabs. I am planning on adding more fishes. A hamster will complete this family at work :)

Its nice to have life around you - plants, fishes, butterflies, cockroaches and lizards even. The pale dry cubicle of mine which boasts of privacy with  high cube walls are anything but inviting. It creates a barrier between people. You knock on a cube before walking inside; stand outside the cube while talking; feel guilty about disturbing are all something I don't approve. But yeah software companies workplaces are such! Cant help! So the better way is to have these creatures around you. The birds chirp, the fishes gliding in the water; those clunks when the crabs move around in the glass bowl, watching the plants grow and the happiness in watering them or feeding the fishes or crabs replaces the paleness and dullness.

I Dont Know Nothing

Neha mentioned that she is writing a post. I asked her about what? Her reply was "dunno". And bang on! I told her that I thought I had an idea for a post. She asked me what? I said "Donno" :) So now we have to see who will publish the post first :)

So have we not got "dont know", "nothing" for an answer while having a general conversation. I use it frequently because I genuinely dont know! I dont plan on things, it just happens and I prefer it that way. Few of my friends were cold with me because when they asked me where I was going during year end; I said I dont know and when they figured out I was soaking up in Lanka, they got mad. Now; I really didnt know.

I also dont know about 'What next?' I dont want to think much. Thinking is tough! I just go ahead and act on it. Yeah, I also use 'nothing' lot of times when I am thinking something.  Its not that I dont want to reveal what I am thinking but I am just lazy to explain. I have to confess that many I talk to dont give me DONT KNOW or NOTHING for an answer.

If you notice, these words abruptly stalls a conversation or if not that worse; it puts an end to the topic and we move to another topic. Its an easy way out for me from those holy grail talks. But few are so persistent; they wouldnt leave unless you spill the beans.

Look folks! I am humble. I do nothing and I dont know anything. To be not knowing anything is the most difficult and intellectual thing in the whole world. Thats when you learn and you desire to learn more.

When you know nothing, you dont have to do anything; so ultimately nothing is left undone as you dont know anything :-P

To quote from Oscar Wilde -

I love talking about nothing. It is the only thing I know anything about

Just a HI

Have you clicked on 'New Post' without knowing what you want to write about? If not; then you are sober; you are not addicted yet. Or maybe blog is just another pass time for you.

I feel cut off if I dont post something on my blog every 3 days; yeah I know; the frequency has reduced. Many factors. First being lack of quality time; its not that there is no time; its just you dont have the time to feel 'connected' with the blog. Next one is lack of activity on the blog space; yes its discouraging and contagious. People vanish or go slow and it affects you. Third; you have exhausted your topic; creative juice does not flow anymore.

I have to get into a conference call in another 41 minutes as I write now. I am sleepy already. Its going to be thankfully; 30 minutes meeting only. But its still a long one for a Friday evening. I dare not say another word as my manager is pursuing me to share my blog link. I am evading it; I even told him why I was apprehensive. I do not want my peers to form an opinion about me; after reading my thoughts. Yes, people are mature not to pin you down; yet I am skeptical as they are my colleagues. I am sassy yet my professionalism comes first. Its not that my blog is a secret; its out there; few of my peers read it; but I dont want to explicitly advertise it.

I have been wondering why Anil and Balan have slowed down as well.. Are we connected by telepathy? Anil and Balan, please raise your hands; no email forwards from you guys either. Ousu vanished but I see some activity off late. Neha is going slow as well; anyway we are connected on chat most times so its fine. Chowla sir has cut down on blogging; so has Shilpa. Bikram, dont worry too much about what people are; make sure you are making a change in this big bad world :)

I am feeling sleepy; mentally tired. I need a vacation :-P; OK! I know I just had one. But it seems so long ago. Been working a lot; my task list is raising exponentially. I am not complaining; I am being recognized and appreciated; so its fine. Yet; tiring. Its not that I would relax on a lounge chair on a vacation. I squeeze so much activity in my attempt to explore and learn everything about a place that it leaves me tiring at the end of the day. But thats what I love; no complaints :) On TV, I hear turquoise beach, palm trees, Caribbean..Jamaica....Wish I was there right now!; not relaxing but exploring. I should have taken up traveling as my profession; Uummpphhh!!

Got to prepare for meeting :-|

Flame

Sitting by the window
Accompanied by my shadow
In a boring room
On a lazy noon
Deep in thought
letting time pass
Lots to do,
But I am hanging around.

Those delicate fingers 

taps off the cinders
Fuming into flame; the sparks

Slope of gold and blue and red lurks
The bold face of fire as in hearth
Blown brighter by the breath

Whiff of cold air hits me hard,
I dont know why its sad
The blue blue sky
Is dark and hazy.
I wonder why?
I want to see the bright blue sky
But I just see it dark and hazy

Lots to do,
But I am hanging around.
I am waiting for you
and the blue blue sky

P.S : Thank you Neha for sharing this picture with me :)

We are better

Note : Its a satire..Yeah I need to explicitly mention it; my earlier experience tells me so.. This is a conversation between me and my alter-ego.


The Americans can have their way. If they can do it, why can't we?

Now what is this blabber about? 

Terrorists.....Osama. He was hunted down and killed even without a trial.

Are you saying it was wrong?

You see, there is nothing like a right or a wrong. What is right for me, could be wrong for you and vice versa.

Are you the alter-ego or me?What is your concern?

The Indian government has listed 50 most wanted terrorists and all are based out of Pakistan. The media is asking why cannot we do a America-like operation to eliminate Dawood.

We cant. They could do because they are Americans; with billions of dollars of aid being given to Pakistan. They can afford to do it! They gave a new lease of life to the Afghans by driving out the Russians. They have been aiding Pakistan against the war on terror. So they can break the sovereignty of a country; raid a town and kill a terror mastermind. We cant....Period.

But......but......

Dont sulk. We Indians have done much better things to worry about not being able to mimic an American way.

Like?

Like....winning the Cricket World Cup!

Uummpphhh...

OK! Like sacrificing Mallika Sherawat to Hollywood. 

Eeewwww we are better off than having her here!

Oh ok! Like inventing the ZERO! 

Oh! Ohhh!!!

Nah its not Oh! Ohhh!! Its 0 as in 2-O-O-O in Two thousand.

I am still not convinced.

Why dont you accept that we have given the world far better stuffs to lead a good standard of living?

Give me one good point to agree.

Ass-jet! 

What?

Yeah Ass-jet. We have a simpler and cleaner way to wash than wiping off our asses with papers! 

Yeah! You are right! Hail the Ass-jet!

:-) 

What? There's nothing in here

Well, I am bored. Its not that I have nothing to do. Tons of pending work. Appraisal time in office. Self appraisal, feedback to peers - busy times ahead. Got to use fancy words like proactive, diligent, seamless, independent, assertive et all. Yet, I dont feel like writing them.Sigh!!

My mind wanders and my fingers stroke the key; ALT-TAB between appraisals, facebook, blog and Google. (Typing facebook gives me a red wavy underline. They better include it as a noun in the Oxford English dictionary)

Well, you know its got to be there when you verb it off. I hear this in office quite often. Facebooking is better than orkuting da. So must be the word Twittering. No! no! I am not on twitter yet. I go paranoid hearing people having lakhs of followers. My good friend says she just has less than 590 followers and that number is negligible it seems. I just responded with a :-)

I might not get even a mosquito to follow me! Aah mosquito! I thought Sachin got out in yesterday's match due to mosquito menace. Two or three were hovering around him while he was batting and the poor soul was shooing them away. What if Sachin is God, he still has that meal for those mosquitoes.

Whole of India probably came to a stand-still yesterday; at office as well. 6 huge TVs were not enough! I was begged not to speak anything derogatory or discouraging about team India. Its not that I am unpatriotic. Its just that I cant fake! Well, they won; else my husband would have cursed me.

Looking around my bedroom, I better organize few stuffs here. Its messy but I am bored. I think lazy is a better word. I have many books to read. One of them is a collection of beautiful poems; another Paulo Coelho's. There is this The Language of the Goddess - book on European pre-history w.r.t archeology and also my D7000's manual. When would I read all of these?

Need to replace my laptop; would go for a MAC this time. Need to order, take backup of data from this laptop, charge my iPod, buy a battery charger plug for my Xperia and get a SD card of larger capacity for my camera. Pending! pending! pending!

What have I been doing then? Staring at a blank wall or this laptop screen; lazy bum I am! I am told I spend lot of my time online; but the truth is I dont! I just stare at the screen! My laptop and I are "Until death do us apart". Obviously my husband detests this darling of mine.

I am not blogging much either. My frequency has reduced; a blogger friend asked me why have your reader numbers dropped? numbers again! He was doubtful if I stopped visiting them; he reminded me how at one point I had lot many readers. You know how it works here - you scratch my back and I scratch yours.

I could only read if I get something substantial out of it - knowledge, entertainment or joy! But I have not stopped visiting anyone. Its just that most of them have vanished from blog world either because they got busy with something else or they moved to shorter and smarter world of Twitter. And yeah no more creative juices flowing in could also be the reason. Whatever, if any of you guys have read till here; I pity you.

You might have realized now that there is nothing substantial in this post. I warned you with my title!! Insignia does get into this zilch mood once in a while :) and I feel nice when my fingers are playing on this keyboard and aah I am so in love with this laptop. Got used to her so much that I can close my eyes and still type on everything right. But she has reached her expiry long ago; I am still clinging onto her because I am attached to her. But I will have to let her go. Soon! and welcome the new man in my life - The MAC

Blogging is therapeutic as always. It does better job than a masseur. I am done!! and I am gone!...

Flick...flick...flick......

Coward

Note : This is a work of fiction. Every time I try my hands on poem reflecting an emotion; I have been asked if its my personal experience. No not necessarily :)

He pursued and begged;
He cried and yearned;  

She gave in with a Yes,
lending her support to
fill his vacuum.
He said he'd love her, forever

He said he placed no one above her,
He said he needed her till his death,

A day arrived; when he remained silent
She did not know
that the silence is forever
How could she?
when the change was overnight
She did now realize; his
was not a need, but a want
that lasted until 

He found a new love
She being now stale

He hid away; in silence
scared to face her
chicken hearted that he was,
gutless to tell the truth
a spineless worm that he was
avoiding her; while

She kept waiting
unaware of his decision

She kept waiting
for him to come back to her
when she tried to talk
he remained silent
when she learnt the truth
he chose a mere 'sorry'

when she demanded a reason

it was loyalty, to his new found love

Leaving her flabbergasted; he ran away

Coward - thats his name

Reminiscences

When you have lot of work in hand, or when you are feeling so tired and your body is not cooperating; you happen to lay your hands on an old photo album or a nearly torn letter or that one page of a book in which is hidden a dried rose but still exuding that volatile fragrance...............................Your eyes sparkle and your lips bloom with a faint smile.

I bet this must have happened at least once to each of us. When you are frantically searching for some important document; you come cross an old letter from your friend; when you are searching for some important email; you have that one last "Good Bye" mail from your loved one. Then, you forgot that important work waiting for you and get lost in time and thoughts.

However bitter those moments were; how much ever pain and sorrows those moments caused; reminiscing them brings a smile on your lips even though tears flow out. You recall those days of intense emotions and true feelings. Now, it would seem silly or funny. It would make you wonder "Aww!! we fought for such a stupid thing!! " or "Oh! I was a die hard pursuer, wasn't I?" It would make you chuckle "Gosh!, Did I express such intense feeling for him/her?"

Its not that the feelings were false, its just that you have evolved. You learn from it and move it. The feelings remain but its not as intense as it were earlier and it loses its relevance as you move on.

After few years, you get an opportunity to meet the same person; when things have changed with each other and each one seemed to have moved on; there is that pinch within you whenever those days come in to your picture. If you have a very good photographic memory; when you could recall each and every moment; then its a test to your restraining capability and will power not to get intoxicated by the person's presence. You try hard not to go overboard and not get exhilarated.

I was reading few emails this morning at 12.30 instead of sleeping. My body wanted to hit the sack; but I carried on reading emails after emails; 3 years older ones; most of them seemed silly now. But how much sense it made then; how serious I was when typing each word then; how it came from the bottom of my heart. But now; it seemed funny.

Oh yeah! I attended a karoke club anniversary show this Saturday where my dear friend sang as well. It was a 6 hour show and being passionate about music, my senses were treated with wonderful songs. Here is a piece of one of the songs he sang. If he comes to know that I put it here; I don't know what his reaction would be.

So folks, hear to it and depending on the comments I get; I will decide whether to confess my action to him or keep it under wraps. :-P

The video and the audio quality is not that great as it was captured with my camera. Yet, its pretty decent, so please put up with the quality :-)

By the way, the song just suits this post.

Rains

Its raining!! Its raining!! The weather is sexy since the past week and I cant help but sing and jump with joy!!

Bangalore is cozy at 21 Celsius. Nah!! not the usual hot pakoras or chai!!

The real fun is

- To wear stark white pants and walk in the slush and challenge yourself how white the pants are by the time you reach home

- To enjoy yummylicious ice cream while walking in the light drizzle.

- To walk getting wet when its pouring and everyone running away looking for cover while giving you an awkward stare that you have gone insane.

- To sway the branches and the leaves and feel the chill water drops on your face

- When the rain stops, hear the birds chirp and the cuckoo sing, the squirrel scampering :-)

The earth, barren and wretched
The grass, yellow and dry
Waiting to forget the pain
Waiting to feel the drops of rain
The first drops fall, they start to cry
Tears, dripping from the leaves

Tears, running down from the mountains
The dark rain clouds, start to crumble
The lighting thunder, start to gleam
The heaven opens, the tears roll down
Is God crying? So that we can smile?
See the rain coming down
Rain touching my face
Smell the fresh wet soil
Feel the damp grass now lush
Dancing across the fields

Bringing joys to life
Tapping against the window panes

Pitter-patter on the roof tops

Come dance in the rain

Slosh the puddles

sway the greens

Feel no sorrow, feel no pain
Feel complete in the rain.
Soothing the soul

Caressing the heart
Inviting the spirit

To feel peace and rest.

One of my favorite picture during rains :-)

Essence

The waves glisten

under the morning sun

Beads of perspiration sparkle

Competing with the waves.

Nonchalant

of the warm sun

of the striking waves

of the smooth sand.

Indifferent

to the rhythm of the ocean

to the sway of palms

to the melody of the breeze.

Singing in chorus

Against the rhythm

Hands working together

All eyes on the treasure.

To grab the prize

Come what may.

PS : This picture was captured by Naidu sir. He wanted me to describe the scene and what I thought about it. Thanks a lot sir for sharing this picture with me and wanting to know my expressions. Truly amazing, captures the essence of life. I dedicate this to you and Gautam :-) 

PPS: Gautam, I know you read my posts even with your hectic schedule. I miss you. :-) Take care and God bless.

Sulk!!

2 days of being at home on a weekend makes one lethargic. And if pretty obnoxious event accompanies it; its blunder all the way.

Having slept late the previous day after much frowning and fuming; an angel out of the blue wakes up just on time on a Monday morning. You notice that you have turned off the alarm!! Darn you!! But when? how? why? Awww, final thing is that your alarm was turned off instead of snoozing. Yeah, last night being a colder one; and you had your fan at high and was lazy enough to not get up in between your sleep to slow the speed!!

Anyways, waking up just on time, and as you sleepily grope the cot to walk towards the bathroom, your little finger of your foot hits the corner of the cot; oohhhhhh the pain just propagates harshly aggravated by the cold temperature.
You curse the cot and move forward only to stumble on the door mat and hurt your toe a tad too fast.

Finally reach the bathroom and feel that the tap is flowing out air!! Curse again!! Agonize yourself and switch on the motor. The geyser has some water; and as you thank heaven silently; you realise you were a bit too fast; thanks followed too quickly by another curse; the water is way too hot than normal; burn your fingers.

Fling the clothes around as you don't find what you are looking for; in a hurry, use the iron and feel the hot iron too close to your thighs. A burn mark; but no time for the darn burn mark; scamper around for your pair of trousers. As you dance around trying to push your legs into that skinny thing; you knock off the perfume bottle.

Curse yourself for breaking up a bottle of expensive perfume, half -clothed; run around to clean up the mess; assemble the glass pieces and one of them cuts your finger. Awwww what more? Clean up the mess and mop the place dry. Put on your trousers finally.

And you realize you had the milk on the stove; which now has oozed out of the vessel and the kitchen slab is a mess. Lift up the hot pan and throw it into the sink, half clean the mess and leave home for work. Walking a few steps; you doubt if you have switched off the iron box. Run back and confirm everything is switched off and is in place.

Hire an auto rickshaw and on the way; the auto breaks down; in a desolated place. Wait for few minutes before you can hire another auto. Go to work well past morning breakfast time. At least opt for a beverage and you find the vending machine is under maintenance. Too lazy to walk to some other floor for the coffee; get back to start your work. Few analysis here and there and you realize that all the efforts that were put on weekend is all shoddy waste as you have picked up invalid piece of code for your work. Everything invalidated.

And when your friend comes online and expresses the disappointment over not responding well. "Kabhi dekhoon kam pe lage rahti ho!! Tumhare dost ko bhool gaye ho!! Badal gayi ho tum!!"
By the time you respond, the friend goes offline.

All hungry; go for an early lunch and find the food unpalatable. All you can do is

Sulk!! :-(
Sulk!! :-(
Sulk!! :-(

Image from fanart.lionking.org

Macro Madness - 1

I am not going to bug you folks this time with any write ups. Its some exercise to your eyes. I was bored yesterday evening, just didn't want to think or do anything, with hectic brooding and analyzing at work......Engineer's job!! Can you expect any better?

So I just ended up shooting some pics of things lying in my home. They are all simple things but beautiful, which misses our attention. All are macro shots; with low lights and no natural lighting; as it was evening. I apologize in advance if they are not pleasing or if they lacked justice. Just my best shot; it also explains my mood.

One of the few lamps lit outside my home, the only one with wax

Autumn leaves

How can nature design beautiful patterns; so symmetrical?

Fiery red

Isn't fire lovely?

God's eye

Autumn leaf again

Bangles - how they adorn a lady's hand

A Japanese Fan

A real maple leaf covered with 18K gold. I bought this as a souvenir from Muir Woods State Park, CA

And finally, a task for you all. Can you take a guess, what this could be?

There are few more shots that I captured. Will share sometime later.

Wish I had a Punching Bag

I feel like beating up someone......I am playing my mood down...Yet I cant get to. My hands are restless, I dropped my PDA while picking up tea and the back cover, battery all went along in different directions......

Wish I had a punching bag....Oh! I really wish. I want to beat up someone....

Black to rustic.....

Black is Boring.......................to me......................NOW!

Hence the change in the overall look of my blog. I am always mesmerized by black. Black means secretive to me, calm, a mystery; hard nut to crack; also dull and boring. Yet black is powerful, bold and strong but can get onto your nerves sometimes. Right now, probably,that is what has happened to me. When I was asked to choose a template for this E-Trash(a.k.a. my Blog), when I first started blogging, Black caught my attention. It was calm, quiet and elegant then.

Now its dull and lifeless!

So I decided to revamp my blog. Experimented with lot of templates, shades of blue - beach, sky.....shades of green - leaves, garden.....shades of yellow - flowers, tiger....shades of brown - chocolate............

I previewed many, something lacked in one or the other. Something amiss. I don't know what, I cannot explain what it is, yet I could sense it. I repeated the process of applying the template and previewing it as many number of times till I was satisfied.

And finally chose this wooden windows. Rustic, earthy. If I were to be asked if this has left me happy? satisfied? I don't know. But this is what it is.

Is this about the lack of "something" in those mixtures of colors and patterns? Is the BLACK really DULL or LIFELESS? Or is it my current state of mind?

It is obvious to my state of mind. Out of 100 odd templates I saw of various patterns, colors and tags, I could RELATE to only one right now. I LIKED all of them, but I could relate to only one. Prodding more, I don't even like this current one as much as I liked a couple of other templates.

But this is what I am right now. So one can like all, but could only relate to one specific thing at a point of time - though one may not necessary like the thing being related to. Sometimes, you cant express what you are going through. Its not the lack of communication or the lack of expression, its just that you have no idea as to what is going on with you. You are left wondering, searching for answers. This is a weird situation or emotion if I may call it. This does not mean things are going bad for you. Everything is fine - personally, professionally, otherwise...yeah with a couple of glitches - Who does not have it? Yet, something amiss........................................................................

I HAVE NO SLIGHTEST IDEA!!!!!!

Coming back, for that matter, rustic is not my choice otherwise. I prefer the sky and the beach to rusty earth. But this is what I chose now; hoping that this image would fill my void....