When to Stop

Few days back; I got a call from a friend. He seemed very dejected. This person would not generally call me and say, “I wanted to talk”. At times, we just need to be heard; without wanting any advice or being judged. This was the situation here; and so, I casually enquired about his well-being.

If you are distressed; all you need is a nudge to vent out. My “how are things?” did just that. He mentioned how his business has hit rock bottom. Payments were being delayed indefinitely, orders were difficult to come by and months of struggle to sell off the business was not materializing as well. His lament was how all his efforts and time were going down the drain. He has been failing repeatedly and could not figure out where was he going wrong!

No one can be hard on us than ourselves. We berate ourselves for our failures; overlooking the fact that it’s not only one’s efforts bring success. You need support of people for your success and growth. Business is all about collaboration; where individuals work together to achieve a common purpose.

We often face such situations in our life; not just in business like my friend’s case, also in situations relating to career, education, marriage, personal success.

We are wired to focus on the outcome than the journey itself; which is an enriching learning experience. Not being able to achieve your goal does not mean you are a failure. For one; it is best to set realistic goal. More importantly; you should know when to stop chasing a goal. When you face this dilemma, asking yourself these questions might help.

• Is your heart still in it? Maybe. You believe in the idea and persistently strive for it. But if it’s not working well; does not mean you are a failure.
• Are you gaining or losing more from it? If you are losing and falling into an abyss, it is better to revisit the goal and the returns. Is it worth your time and effort? I asked my friend if he thought if it was still worth the risk with his debt building up day by day. He was heading nowhere and not only losing time, health and energy but also carrying huge debts that he must repay without any support or collateral.
• How long are you willing to pursue your goal? It is always better to set a timeline, break the goal to manageable chunks and work on them one at a time. Setting a deadline makes it realistic and lets us review the feasibility regularly.

Stopping is not a sign of failure; not at all trying is. The lessons learned are precious and knowing when to stop avoids wild goose chase.

Pendulum

A Walk

A dark skinned non-oriental feature lone woman walking down the street. Shabbily dressed; a pajama and a T shirt, trainers and a worn-out hat to get some respite from the evening sun rays; looking around, taking in everything the eyes can register. From the distinct aroma of noodles and grilled meat, old men slouching on chairs and some crouching doing nothing, the muddy waters of the river, kids playing with sticks and lump of mud; unkempt and not a care for the world. I wonder when was the last time I saw kids entertaining themselves with nothing but their creativity. Not seeing them glued to a TV or a smartphone or a tablet was kind of shocking.

The twilight was contemplating; whether to arrive or just let this moment linger on for a little bit long. Centuries old Wats(Buddhist temples) stand alongside modern patisseries offering free WiFi to be connected with the world. The courtyards of the Wats are unassuming providing the perfect contrast to the gilded roofs and walls of red and gold of the main temple. Monks clad in bright orange robes trying to go about their ascetic ways; now seemingly tough what with too many things to indulge in. A young monk walked with a broom and started sweeping the street. Another one started taking snaps of the monk in action. It was amusing to watch and I so wanted to know if those monks who live an austere life by seeking alms every morning and evening have a social media account as well? Chuckled at the thought of Buddha's no desire principle clashing with Mark Zuckerburg's stay connected venture.

The heaven tries to open up; yet its hesitant. It decides a drizzle is good enough and the dampness in the air still does not budge. As I walk; crossing scenes after scenes - it occurs to me its all similar. There is sanity; if you observe amidst the cacophony and frenzy. Yet; in that sanity lies the confusion and madness. Thoughts in my head, two personalities debating over which one is true. Out of reverie; I see a tuk-tuk driver expectantly waiting to be asked to be hired. He asks - Tuk tuk? I smile and say no, thank you. On my right; is a public school compound. Empty; school for the day is done. And then; a knock on my head. I look up; a tamarind tree just decided to drop a tamarind on me. I bend down and pick the tamarind and contemplate what to do with it? I carry it with me; did not realize when and where I lost it.

As the twilight set in; the roads came alive with more activities. Street markets, street food stalls and more. Locals and visitors walking around alike. I walk to a nearby stall and inquire the price of a stack of handmade paper. The haggling starts; a couple of minutes later; price agreed and my item is packed. The lady then asks "You from?" I say - "India". "Oh!..with you?" to which I respond "just me". She asks "one?" I say "yes, just one. Me, alone." What did I see? A sense of pity on her face. She feels sad for me. "Oh! why? alone?" I smile and say "I like". I think she got my point. She then asked "You happy?" I smile and nod.

I continue my walk..

PS : This is one of my evenings at Luang Prabang, Laos.

Life's Snippets

A tit-bit you hear as you pass by in a hallway or a random conversation that falls in your ear as you are around waiting for something; maybe in a super market or at the bus stop......does not mean anything to you at all. But more often; those little conversations drives the life and day to day struggles and efforts of that individual.

I am an intense observer; I look at people's body language, their facial expression; those convey a lot - about their fear, inhibitions, joys and such; combined with tit-bit often gives an interesting perspective of one's life.

Now! dont get me wrong. I m neither looking for gossip or juicy piece of news to entertain myself. This is all about people's struggles versus what they are passionate in life about. Trust me! its always at the opposite ends and they dont meet. The whining and the complaining hoping to get past the troubles is never ending.

One may wonder; all these conversations most times complaints? What about happy stories? Yes! happy stories are very easy to notice and deduce. Smile, joys, excitement defines happiness. Its just that - pure and plain happiness.

On the other side; sorrows manifest in many ways - anger, dullness, fear, sombreness. The talks are often subdued, contained and private unlike a happy moment where it is proclaimed. Been hearing a lot of such brief conversations off late. Or rather; I m being a bit attentive maybe these days. As i walk past them or as they walk past me; I hear those one or two sentences which paints a picture of their situation at work, or at home or in a city. Tells a lot about their pain, their desperation and the hope.

"How long would it be until I can start contributing independently? Working with him is such a pain!" - lamenting about a difficult co worker. Our job - plays such an important role in our life given that we spend almost 50% of our day either at work or doing work related activities. Our peers become a part of our life; and their behavior affects our well being so much. Did you know about "work spouse"? Google it. Woah! how much our work influences our life!!

"This is all show; metropolitan life, cars and careers. But each of us are struggling underneath. Whats all this money going to give us? There are times when I seriously think I should go back to my village. Herd 2 cows and be happy with that little I'd get but with peace abounds" - a cab driver's frustration driving in insane Bangalore traffic. I am sure he dreams of his village and two cows every night and yet wakes up in the morning looking for business to be able to lead his "Bangalore" life.

"Its NOT my way; its my mothers way!!" - an 35+ year adult living under the shade of his mother. Mom thinks her "child" needs assistance and help; interfering in his day to day activities, monitoring what he eats, when he sleeps, where he goes. The "child" just playing along.

Sigh! I could go on and on. When I hear conversations as these; I cant help but wonder how we are all so similar; sailing the same ship and battling the odds - some of us fighting the pirates, few of us trying to cross the rough seas and few of us trying to share space with monsters.

Gypsy's worry - "When do we play?"

Life!

Funeral

Riotous red of rose petals,

sweet scent of night jasmine;

strewn on the dull grey road; haphazardly….

The steady rhythm of the drums….

I strain my eyes and crane my neck,

to see in the distant; decorated by

An assortment of flowers…. A casket

Peacefully sleeping forever;

Soul long departed….

The drums get louder; I notice 

Young men moving their body 

To the rhythmic pattern….

Its a celebration; of life and death 

Or so it seems

Celebration? I wonder…

More of a break from their mundane 

life. Dancing with ecstasy. 

Cheers to the opportunity…

Some are sober; while some 

high on spirits.

Celebration – of life and death? 

I search for a solemn expression; 

for a sombre soul…

Oh why do I think death should be grim?

What else should it be?

I then wonder; what would the dead have thought?

Cry for me a little; perhaps?

Think of me now and again; in joy and pain?

Let go of me in silence; I suppose?

Death….is a celebration. 

The dead is being paraded; like a deity. 

The life - celebrated; or the moment?

I would never know….

PS : Ive always been curious about why people give noisy farewell to the dead. The beat of the drums, the noise, the chaos, blocking traffic and causing inconvenience to others.....Would the dead person have liked it? I doubt..Also, whats in it for the mourners? I am using the word "mourner" here liberally. More often; I have noticed people dont mourn or pay respect; for some its a formality and a break from their daily run-of-the-mill life.

Life Goes On

The San Jose Flea Market off Berryessa Road is one place I would not miss visiting every time I landed in the Silicon Valley. To me, the market is a perfect place to buy knick-knacks, cheap stuffs and a place to kill your weekend. Yeah, I have heard people say that second hands are sold there; who minds? To me, its a cultural hot pot. Where else would I find Mexicans alongside Chinese and Peruvians and Pakis; selling their wares.

I have loved shopping there; never mind if it really were used stuffs.My first camo print trousers; or the I Love San Francisco T shirts to give it to my friends back home, the $5 Shades, the $5 cotton socks or the $5 fedora. The last time I visited was with Gautam and he freaked out :) I have found genuine Mexican leather belts and Peruvian Lama wool knitted bag there. And many more; ballet shoes, tiny Machu Picchu traditional dolls, Chinese purses......

Anyway, the flea market has always been a mystery to me. Where do all these people come from? Are they legal migrants? Why do they have to sell their wares cheap? Who buys them? Old and broken, used stuffs. Crowds are mostly Mexicans, Indians, African Americans; maybe looking for cheap stuffs.

Anyway, what got reminded me of San Jose Flea market was the novel The Kite Runner. The flea market gets mentioned there. After migrating to US, Amir and his Baba live in Fremont and make some money selling off old wares in the flea market they accumulate as garage sale.

Now I was thinking; those Mexicans, Peruvians, Pakis; did they all migrate to the land of opportunity in search of a better life? Now living in welfare and using food stamps distributed by welfare offices? Living in a part of town allocated for immigrants? May be, was I haggling for a $5 T shirt from such folks? Those withered look on their faces; haggling and bargaining, jarring and loud clothing women and men; selling whatever they could sell away to have a life better than the land they left?

Once when I decided to visit the market alone, I called up Harpal to drop me there. Harpal is a Sikh cabbie in the San Jose area; he deserves a separate post. I instructed him to pick me up exactly 3 hours later. I was not carrying a cell phone. 3 hours later; when I walked out; I realized it would be difficult for Harpal since the section of road was blocked for reason I dont remember. I was not sure if I should wait or not. Public transport is not good in the bay area as NYC or LA. Now I don't know which bus to take back.

It was 6 pm; the sellers were packing and pushing off for the day. Well, I was stranded; not something new I somehow find a thrill in such situations. I noticed a man packing off his things and loading it in his truck. I just requested him if he could drop me back at my hotel; my cabbie has not arrived since the road was blocked. He agreed to my surprise. We got talking on the way; he was from Pakistan. Living for 11 years now; no green card, not a legal settler I guess. He makes his money by selling wares in the flea market. He was so happy after learning I was from India. The talks were about how close and yet how far we are; the bloody K issue, how people are separated and all that emotional talk. There was no bit of animosity in him. He was sweet to drop me at my hotel; why should anyone do that?

Maybe their struggle in life is too huge to hold on to simple grudges and petty issues.

Fair Weather

Pardon me for MIA. Not been busy, but somehow gave a step-motherly treatment to my blog and other posts.

I have few pet peeves. I think I can put a Top 10 pet-peeve list. Among the top would be people taking/trying to take undue advantage of me posing as friends. Well, they are merely acquaintances. Who is a friend? One who is available to share your joys and sorrows - that is to put it in simple and nonchalant way.

But these lots are not available when you want to share sorrows or even joy and don't bother to share. I know of a young man who falls into this category. What do I call him? Little-close friend? Friend-type friend? or Acquaintance?

This guy is sly. He wants to have fun at my expense. Dine at a good restaurant, coffee at an upscale coffee shop or use my vehicle for commute. Never once was chivalrous of picking the tab or offering to share the expenses. Worse yet, for the sake of being polite, I have accompanied him to shopping and window-shopping for the stuffs I am least interested in.

Does it end here? No? If helping him were not enough, I was expected to entertain his acquaintance(that's what he mentioned)  who wanted to use my home as bread and breakfast for 2 days. The girl came down to the city to meet her guy friends who could not let her sleep at their house because they were staying with family. Aaarrrggghhh!

Now you know why I agree to all these? For the sake of being polite. But the rage explodes thousand times within me. These past week however, I have been saying NO to all the asks he has been making. Can I use your vehicle? No. Can I use your scooter? No. and No...no...no

Yeah, I am aware that the fault is mine, all in the name of being nice. I have decided not to be anymore, at least with him

A Flash

There comes a phase in life when nothing grabs your attention. Maybe, not once but it keeps coming and going? Reactions to any event is like "Oh! not again!!" Or "Is that all?" is so common. Bring on something new! even before anything has started.

Is it called boredom or overkill? Maybe both. Any news on TV is just another news; not worth debating, tweeting or blogging. A day is just another day - work, home, sleep and morning again. Of course with other mundane activities thrown in. Weekends are predictable. Friends are fair weather; I mean there is no sweat to be wiped. All's fine.

Is life thrilling only in the absence of mundane stuffs? It scares me you know? To think that this is what I would be doing for the next 20-30 years? I really admire our elders and theirs who would have pretty much lived the whole of their life etched in stone. We are blessed; games, movies, friends, social networking, exposure to lot of other things that can entertain us and yet; I am saying I am bored.

 Thinking about it; it surely is an overkill and lack of patience isn't it? We want results immediately; success to come knocking on the door the very next day. We need it fast and immediate. What's wrong in that? My parents definitely struggled. They had limited exposure, limited opportunities; and the race was not deadly as we see today. Today; even if I work like a donkey all 364 days a year and show sloppy results on one; they won't think twice before replacing me. Such is the competition. There are lot of rotten tomatoes around; people will quickly pick them up and throw it away! 

 Personally, you are too soon bored of your boy friend/girl friend/spouse. First few months are bliss, Overkill here as well. And then the interest wanes. What do you talk to each other? "How was your day today?" What do you need for dinner?" The boy got good grades at school".......Then? Man watches TV and the lady doing something else?

Anything in abundance is sure a spoiler. Somethings are too easy to get; too fast and too easily bored with. You need something else, something new each time and that leaves you bored. What's next? What's new? Will there ever be anything satisfying? I guess not. Then one fine day; nothing matters. You consume everything with the same level of interest; or lack of it. You have seen it all, done it all - is what you believe. Momentary happiness, momentary sadness, its all a flash.

I think I am blabbering, these are just so normal isn't it? I am thinking if I should even post this or delete it? :)
Its all a flash :-)

What it means to Die

Oh yeah! How inappropriate. How would one know what it means to die until one dies and how can the aftermath be expressed :)

Well, what I am going to talk here is the hearsay. Death means an end to problems, events, situations, freedom from all. "Go die!" is something we say to an irritating person. So in short death means peace? I think I am close even if I am not right.

This evening at around 5:15 PM, I left office so that I could escape the traffic. I am commuting by scooter since 2 weeks; with all these fuel hikes and the irate attitude of the auto drivers; I decided enough is enough. Anyway; today there was a pile of vehicles on the road, moving slowly feet by feet in snail's pace. The traffic was piled for a km.

My fingers were aching by applying frequent brakes. It was so frustrating; to make matters worse a Mallu guy driving a Volkswagen Vento behind me was constantly honking!!! How do I know he was a Mallu? The car was KL registered. Anyway, it was not that I was having a party on the road. The road was choc-a-bloc, where will I find a path to move? After few minutes, I thought I should do something about it.

I turned behind and asked gestured what was the problem? That guy gave a smile, loser! I just asked him to wait and continued at snail's place. So after those horrible pushing the vehicle for one km, noticed flowers strewn on the road. Not another party procession! But the HC ruled out any party meetings within the city radius! So this must be something else. Any festive procession? What's special today? No festivities. Then I see a policeman helping streamline the traffic. A hearse van ahead of him.

It was the final procession of a dead person. As in some of the customs, they were celebrating his/her final journey. Bulbs of flowers strewn on the road, music band playing the standard music, a couple of drunk men dancing while remaining oblivious to the traffic pile up they created. The road is busy from 5 to 8; there are 2 major Business Parks hosting around 30+ MNCs having 50,000+ people working. Everyone rushes home during these peak hours.

My thoughts were about the dead person. How would he/she have been? Quality? Would that person have liked celebrating any event at the cost of causing trouble to others? Or was that person a trouble all the time that he/she is living(dead) up to the expectations?

Die in peace but leave others in trouble? I hope whoever that person was would have hated the trouble this event has caused; poor thing was helpless.

Humanity in Religion

The basis for religion is humanity but do we really find the humanity part in our cultural practices?

We know what the answer is; so isn't it ironical that we continue to put 'humanity' as the basis for religion?

I visited a remote village in a neighboring district yesterday. It was the village festival but my interest was not for the festival. I thought I could do some bird watching and capture good photos.

Capture did I some nice snaps and I also spotted beautiful birds - peacocks, cranes, kites, partridge, huge sparrows and larks. I was so glad to see these birds so happy lapping up in nature while we find it so hard to spot a sparrow in Bangalore. Anyway owing to my poor 18-105mm lens, I could not capture any of them on my camera.

I digressed along the way; so I was talking about religious practices and humanity. Treat others with respect and be kind to animals and all that one learnt in your school as part of catechism and moral science? The event was a village festival; so people flocked from nearby villages to a tiny temple to sacrifice animals and appease the goddess.

Sacrificing animals is not something new; in fact sacrificing humans and animals were very much part of world culture right? For me it seemed the Goddess was a violent lady and she liked torture and agony; she wanted to be pleased as apposed to peace and serenity. Now, thats how people seemed to have read it.

Every religion has the same base principles. For eg, Bible talks a lot about sacrifice. What is a sacrifice? Sacrifice is giving up something that we really want; the story of Abraham sacrificing Isaac is symbolic. But people do tend to take it literally and dramatically. It involves shedding of blood of a hapless creature to atone the sins of the individual or the group making this sacrifice. Obviously the blood shed is not of the person making the sacrifice; an animal is being made to pay for someone else's sins.

What I witnessed was such unethical treatment of helpless animals; tied and handled with no respect for life whatsoever. They were brutally butchered as they continued to cry. To watch a sight of barbarism as their body shudder and finally they give up that life is ghastly. People cheered as the poor creatures died; they skinned them, cleaned and cut them; in some time they relished the food.

What if the man was meted out with such an end? I saw this nice picture on facebook and it is worth sharing it here.

Why I strive for Perfection?

Something has been bothering me for a couple of weeks. Yeah, its like that leech sucking blood out of you, bothering me in my sleep, in my dreams, in my daily routine. I am a sucker for perfection. Isn't that wrong? Or am I a sucker for complete control? Yeah, this is a better way to put that quality of mine.

Diligent worker, passionate who craves for perfection. I have been told that not everyone around me would work in the same speed as me or that I should not expect the agility or knowledge that I showcase. But why is it hard for me to slow down? I don't take pride of these qualities, because it may not do good to me.

Is it not ironical when I say such qualities might harm me? Yeah, in a corporate world you need to be individual contributor and at the same time be a team player. You need to be an effective communicator; but isn't communication effective only if the receiver interprets it the way you would like it to be? You are supposed to provide technical guidance; are reprimanded for offering advice and also for not being approachable (if people don't reach out to you).

Well, I think I am venting out my helplessness here. Anyway the basic problem here. Why do  I strive for perfection? Its not going to happen and it isn't easy to keep everyone and yourself happy. Something that has been inculcated in me by myself through the years. For someone who did not get things easy, working hard to achieve was not enough; being average was an anathema. I hear my friends telling me that I am different; is it supposed to make me happy? Hell! no I shudder.

Being told that I have done something beyond my capacity and capability; being in par with others who are probably way way experienced and senior to me worries me that I might fail somewhere down the lane. The paranoia pushes me for perfection; I magnify a trivial mistake; rehash it many times until it blows up and shows up as a scar only to me. Is there a way out of this obsessive behavior? How can others take it so easy but not me? Why do I lose sleep and punish myself for no fault of mine?

I need to let go, its also a way to achieving perfection. Why to judge something thats not in your hands? Humans are designed to have flaws, to achieve perfection is to be certain; to be certain is to be in total control; and with control comes the sense of power; forgetting oneself in the process.

As I was mulling over these since a couple of weeks, I saw an article on Sunday Times today. How perfect! Oops!  I think I realize what it is; if I am pointed at for not doing something that was expected of me, I am going to say "I will do it here after" instead of justifying what I did and why it did not work. "Let it go!" as a colleague said...yeah thats what I will do...Just let it go :)

Simple things

Every morning; my dad would go out to get half a liter of Nandini milk; mom would pour out the milk in a bowl and pour half a cup of water to the empty packet; shake well and drain the last drop to the bowl. This empty plastic sachet was then put in a sack and collected religiously to be sold once the sack was full. Half of the milk was used for coffee, the other half saved for the evening.

For bath; it was that brick like Lifebuoy which I hated the most. It was meant to survive all odds. We used to wait and wait for that bar of soap to melt. The only other one Lux "Flmi sitharon ka soundarya sabun" was a LUXury. Talking about sachet, washing hair would be preceded by going to a kirana shop to get Re.1 shampoo which came with freebies like a hair clip.

A kirana shop would hoard 5 varieties of shampoos, equal varieties of bath soap; mind you it was not beauty soap then. Just one fairness cream - you know which one I am talking about. Still, it felt that the shop was hoarded!! What do I call for varieties now? Choices! what else? A head wash meant washing your hair with soap or shikakai. We never heard about conditioner, face wash, after wash, moisturizer.....lifebuoy was omnipotent.

Not much choice with toys, bags, shoes either. A Hero pen, Bril ink pot was a luxury. Do you remember going to a shop to refill your fountain pen with ink for 10 Ps? Or segregating all the left over pages of your notebook at the year end to make one book to be used as "rough note"

Around noon, a cow would come looking for starch water/vegetable wastes; those were collected to feed the animal. Not only cow, your neighbors came to borrow a cup of sugar, a glass of milk promising to return them later. Your mom sent them away if it were someone looking for curd after the lights were powered on - a belief!! Siesta time for an hour and that authentic filter Kapi later - who knew the espresso or the mocha?

Buying vegetables meant a trip to the market in a rickety bicycle; outing meant a cinema when tickets were Rs 10 for 4 of you; masala dosa indulgence in a dharshini on the 5th of every month. No multiplex, no Thai food, no Pizza..

Its more nicer now, but I miss the simple things then.

My tryst with Amma

Its not only the feeling of love or pain; even helplessness and frustration can bring out the poet in you. 

A damsel; with security galore

made a trip to Bangalore.

Make shift court was our central prison

Security concern was the reason

Silvers and sarees, diamonds and footwear

Among all her other wealth

Austerity; and so she no longer wears.

But she arrived; surrounded by human sheath

But why do I care? I wouldnt have I swear

Only if I left my work; bit early but hard luck

Stuck with neck deep task; and a conversation to bask

I missed my time; so here I chime

Cops blocked the stretch, all did wretch

They seemed to ignore; did they just maneuver

Civilians cursed; cops cussed

Hectic long day my dear; damsel's security is all clear

Common man at pity; politician's apathy.

Her convoy of 25 did zoom,

I think I saw the vehicle that was her room

You may ask; how was I sure?

See did I; police hanging outside; with a support mere

Scary at the lack of their safety

Their job of protecting the 'Mother' was lofty.

Waste of taxpayer's money

To attend court for alleged crimes honey!

Thousands of police personnel,

Charter plane for arrival,

Can India afford such luxury?

When millions are living in penury

Well, what happened to me?

Lost so much time; let it be!

Did not get a rick or a bus

Walked kilometers to find one

Frustrated and desperate; found a crowded bus

Pushed and jostled and stamped; I prefer to tell less

Hopped off to find no rick; I began to feel sick

3 kms to go; laden with bags; I did walk

Found a rick; hundred bucks? Was it a mock?

No it wasnt; I was tired;

Hopped on to it; all fried.

And thus ended my tryst with Amma :-/

Piling up memories

What in your opinion is the ultimate infestation in most homes? Pests? Fungus? No; these can be handled by calling in pest control. Once it invades; you have no escape. What is it? Junk - books, magazines, clothes, utensils, appliances, empty containers etc - which you intend to clear and think its under your control - but before you realize; they pile up.

You would think that its not junk and that some day; you will definitely use them - that utopian day would never arrive. Maybe one day that 28" slim fit low hip jeans would fit again or you would wear to office that dangling multi layered neon green chandelier earrings you wore to college. Yeah? Usually, you attach emotional value to these which were once a part of your life - that barely there soccer ball, an old journal, a faded shirt.

You never know what all is in store? I uncluttered 6 months ago before shifting to my apartment; yet when I brought those carton boxes down the loft to search for something I misplaced; I fainted at what all I had stored. A crumpled yellow background paper napkin with  Jack-o'-lantern on it; which I picked up from the very first Halloween celebration I attend few years ago in US; fees receipt of my engineering semesters, CET entrance fee receipt, my first flight journey tickets, letters from my school friend, slam books.....so on. Oh yeah, I definitely found the preserved love letters; greeting cards, photo of an old flame; it is obvious!

Gaze at each one fondly; memories rushing back; reminiscing those wonderful times; sifting through them; undecided what must be let go and what must be held back. You fail to notice; but junk have a life of their own; their life span is as long as ours. Every time you sit to clear them off; you sift and shuffle and create more junk - you get your dose of resurrecting your 'those' days - "Was I really that slim?" "Did he wear his shirt with cuffs folded?" - creating feelings of priceless joy.

My progress/marks report from Lower Kindergarten till 10th grade, photos through the years.......They cant be called junk and I will continue to preserve them while others are mercilessly thrown into trash.

This is the pyjama of my salwar suit. I remember the kurta had lace works. I was no more than 3.5 years. I cant even push my hands till my elbow now. Its a nice feeling - was I that tiny? I have diligently preserved this one for so many years now :)

Two bucks

"Ma'am, please give me 2 dollars. I wanna buy beer". I remember this call from a tramp sitting near an intersection on Hollywood Boulevard. I visited Los Angeles in 2005. The image of this tramp is still vivid in my mind - unruly hair, torn canvas shoes, a tote bag. He was intimidating; I just walked by while he continued to call out for 2 bucks to buy his beer.

In Bangalore. "Didi, 2 rupyah dedo didi, subah se kuch nahi khaye" - An incessant plead; almost about to cry expression; lurking forward to hold your feet; you find them everywhere on the road; kids as young as 5 years. They might not even know how much that 2 Rs is worth. They are made to beg in most cases by their handlers.

Cut to San Jose, Costa Rica - lotteries being sold on the streets. People throng the shops to buy lotteries - 2 Colonies each ticket. They want to try their luck; get rich. 

Back in Bangalore...

"1 dozen fishes"
"How much do they cost?"
"24 Rs"
"2 Rupees each?"
"Yeah"

12 fishes is what the cat fish we have at home eats every alternate day. Those beautiful creatures are alive. They are breathing - as we are. They can see, sense, touch, eat, breathe, move.....as we do. Their value is 2 Rs each; we buy 12 of them every other day to feed to the bigger one; we watch as the cat fish eats these 12 one by one.

2 bucks was all that was needed :-)

Inactive on Facebook

"Why arent you active on Facebook?" A question of confusion if Bindu has gone back in time or was it a question of serious concern if I was sane yet. Or was it a question due to disbelief that someone can actually have nothing interesting in life to share it among 'friends'.

I am a tech savvy person; grabbing the latest gadgets in town to exploring latest technology. But the concept of social networking has always puzzled me; maybe due to the fact that I am reserved by nature. The idea of flaunting yourself to the world - virtual world where you dont know 99% of the folks indeed intrigues me. I still remember sometime in 2005 when I asked a group of friends at office pointing at an application on their monitor "whats this?" I still recall that shitty stare I got from everyone around. This is Orkut, havent you heard about it?

"Uh..huh yeah, sorry I did not take a proper look" response never helped me. That very day; I logged onto gmail to create an orkut account. It remained dormant for a very long time; until I saw others posting pictures and my kindergarten classmates requesting for friendships. Oh great! Orkut brought us together again.

Well, I am a late entrant to Facebook as well. Joined as recently as 2 years ago; very discreet; rejected every other friend request from people I didnt know. I mean, why should I be friends with someone out there in some corner of the world? The answer was "to know each other better". Heck! let me get to know myself better first. It was overwhelming to see folks having 1000+ friends; were they really friends?

What is a friend? Facebook seems to have changed the very meaning of friendship. I can be friends with anyone - my mom, dad, husband, teacher, peon, maid, maid's daughter's boyfriend. You can be friends with your mother-in-law as well, can you believe that? Isnt it amazing? I can create a fan page of myself; ask people to 'Like' me. Just like; they cant 'dislike'. Facebook is just for human beings you thought? :) No! cats and dogs and cows and rats have a profile page and they update them regularly.

Hey whats for dinner today?

I have posted the menu on my wall. Go check

is not far off......

Strange are the ways. My classmates who didnt speak a word with me while in college send me FRIEND request. Manager sends friend request and request for farmville so that they can continue the game. Being an agrarian economy; if only our real farmers were as dedicated as our virtual farmers; we would be prosperous.

Anyway; that question got me thinking. I replied "My blog posts get updated as I post". He snapped "yeah thats ok, but why are YOU not active". Well, what do I write on the wall? As soon as I login, the WALL yells at me "Whats on your mind?"

Right now; I need to rush to the loo!!! Thats on my mind. Up next; what am I going to cook for dinner. Thats on my mind. I need to pay my credit card bills. That IS on my mind! Do you want to write on the WALL??? This wall is stronger than the Berlin wall.

Well, its kinda nagging; suggesting me to try this game or add a probable known person. Its just not just facebook; I was being emailed "Do you want Google+ request?" There were folks cribbing they didnt get request. Thats another maze I am still trying to figure a way out; I keep getting updates; spamming my mail box.

But its real entertainment if you look carefully. You get to know which flavor of ice cream your friend had or that a friend just came back from a parlor and feels her skin silky smooth after a facial or any event happening in your area or worse! your boyfriend broke up with you and your relationship status ought to be changed!!

The idea of friendship, privacy is lot changed, isnt it? Am I not adapting faster enough? Am I still living in iron age? How much is too much? You are not in if you dont have a social networking account. I told my husband; he chuckled and just commented "What a cheap life!!" only to join the bandwagon and guess what?

We are friends with each other now :-D

What is it?

The day before yesterday, I had to stay back at office until about 7 PM. Now thats very late for me. I leave office by 5 PM, to beat the traffic and have a relatively comfortable commute. My organization allows flexible work timings; which means they dont have a fixed time or attendance; so leaving by 5 works for me. I anyway get back home and login from home and oversee office stuffs - conference calls to attend with folks across the globe or continuing to finish my assignments.

Yeah, so getting back to my late exit from office. It was raining and as usual; the auto drivers were throwing tantrums - demanding double fares. I was at their mercy; desperately trying to hire an auto when one just screeched right in front of me. I mentioned my destination when I saw a passenger already. But the driver agreed to my destination and quoted double. I rejected and firmly said "The meter charge would be so much". He instantly said "Alright, 20 Rs more on that".

It was much better than either waiting indefinitely for an auto or to be hiring an auto which demands double, anyway this guy should be taking a detour to drop me. But I was not sure; he already had another passenger; I dont want to be shown the other parts of Bangalore before being dropped and yet pay the desired amount. I wanted to ask if that passenger was willing to share the fare with me, but I am not comfortable with such arrangements ever so I kept quiet. I asked which route he will be taking and he said he would take whatever route I directed him. So that was fine, I hopped in; the passenger was a girl. Him and her seemed to be familiar with each other and they chattered non stop.

Hardly 1 km; he halted and I heard him ask that girl "What do you want to eat?" He asked me if I would like to eat/drink something. I asked if it will take time? All I want to do was get home and relax. He said it would take just a couple of minutes. I was about to alight when the girl said that they just want to drink some water to break their fast - they were excited to be having Ifthiar while commuting :)

Yup, they were Muslims; later I learnt he was her brother-in-law. But what struck me was their hospitality. He brought me a glass of thick mango milkshake. I dismissed him saying that I just had my tea. Didnt want that poor fellow to spend for me. But what he said next completely bowled me over. In broken English he said "Happy madam, Ramzan....Happy..Ramzan".

There is this total stranger whom minutes ago; dismissed rudely saying I wont be giving a penny beyond the meter charge. He totally forgot about my behavior then and was offering me juice to celebrate the spirit of sharing, joy and brotherhood of Ramzan. Thats the true spirit isnt it? He was not as educated as me; but his behavior floored me down. The next moment I was ashamed of my rude behavior with him.

I started interacting with the girl; wanted to seize every chance to justify my rude behavior and shoo away my guilt. She seemed to agree on the attitude of the auto drivers. She talked about her education, job,  asked me for suggestions as to how to go about her career. But the guilt would not leave me

As I parted; I gave him extra money than what I promised; the proud and foolish me who tried to compensate his act of benevolence by money and thereby trying to wipe my dirty hands off the guilt. I did not honestly want him to lost that 20 or 30 odd Rs he spent for my juice. He tried to give back that extra money saying that I was paying him more than what I quoted. He won again - I would have forgotten the episode had he silently pocketed that extra money and gone his way.

No amount of money can compensate such deeds. What to call this act? Humanity? His selfishness - to share during Ramzan as his Allah said? Or was that how he was? I am clueless. But henceforth, I will remember him forever and his actions throughout my lifetime.

Why?

As a teenager, whenever I disagreed with my mom; which interestingly happened more often that not; she would sternly command "Dont ask why"

Few questions dont have an answer to this obvious WHY. Certain things in life defy any rational explanation. Why; for instance, does your boss come early the day you are late and vice versa. And why does he have to barge into your cube when you are on Facebook but not when you are slogging at your job? Or much to your dismay, why would that guy you secretly admire at work walk right in front of you when you are yawning away to glory?

Not only at work! Think about this. Why do you get an important phone call only when you are watching your favorite show on TV? Or why are you struck in a traffic jam only when you are desperate to rush to a restroom? Why are you caught by a traffic cop only on the day you forget to carry your papers but never when you have it handy? Why does your car blow a tire only when you are rushing for an important meeting?

Or why is that your otherwise regular maid fail to turn up on the day you have houseful of guests? Or why is that the wine cork opener fails to be located when you have the guests? Why does your internet snap up in the middle of an online transaction; that also only after you have keyed in your credit card details?

Think, why is it sunny the whole day and pours only when you just venture out to enjoy the day? Or why do all the holidays fall on a Saturday or a Sunday cheating you of your much needed break from soul-numbing work routine? Why do you have a bad hair day when you have a presentation to make at work? Or why do they lower deposit rates in bank when you think of opening a RD?

Endless lists - why does this happen only with me? The frustration builds up and spoils the entire day as if you are the lone victim. Reactions vary depending on the discomfort these situations can cause. Some accept it as unfortunate coincidence, while others view it as everything gone haywire from the start; a devil's felony.

Whatever it is - coincidence or felony - such jinxes are part and parcel of our everyday life; strikes each one sparing none. Curse the Murphy for his laws at boisterous trick . There is little one can do about it - Plans made are unmade - by the omnipotent. What one can do is to wish the discomfort goes away sooner.

So, instead of tearing your hair (or whats left of it); its better to take the hindrances in your stride and shoo it away. 

If anything can go wrong, it will :)

My Joys

"How do you feel about staying in your newly owned flat? " a friend asked me.

"Yeah.......OK" I replied nonchalantly.

He was surprised at my disinterested response. He made me realize my lackadaisical reaction and asked further if I am not excited about the new house. I suddenly felt uncomfortable. How was I supposed to react? Was I not happy about the house I bought with my hard earned money? Yeah I was, yet why was that excitement and that exhilaration missing in me?

"Do you know what you have accomplished?" he tried again to bring that euphoria in me. I just kept numb. I really dont know. Was it that I was taking my blessing for granted? Is it my attitude; supported by a steady income? Didnt I care for my 'achievement'? Is it because I had it easy in my life?

No, I didnt have it easy in my life. I did not have beyond 5 Rs during school. My parents didnt give me pocket money; that Rs 5 was for emergency situations. I bought my first cellphone with my first salary. I bought my car with my hard earned money. I didnt inherit anything; that has made me more capable and independent.

So, is it the attitude? I am capable sorts? What if that MNC had not offered me my dream job the moment I applied for it? I had no other choice, no other networks or contacts. I did not have a backup offer or a backup plan. I didnt need any other choice :) I knew they found me; they need me. Now is this attitude? Whatever I have achieved, its due to me sheer hard work and dedication. That blind gutsy feeling that I can accomplish sails me through rough seas.

What would give me true euphoria if not my own house or my luxury sedan?

Is it discovering that beautiful orange mushroom 'Cocaina' as I trekked in the rain forests of Costa Rica? Is it watching the fog playing hide and seek at the Jog falls. Is it the feeling of the star fish wriggling at my touch in the white beaches of Mauritius. Or is it walking on the road while it was pouring heavily and others under shelter watching me and wondering if I was sane?

Is it the girly giggle I had 5 years ago when a Japanese at the Singapore airport told me I was pretty and gave me a lollipop and helped me with my baggage and parted with a hug? Or is it that when someone who chose to not keep in touch with me pops up a day and thanks me profusely for the support and parts with a "You are really a nice person".

Or when the dog wags its tail in gratitude or when the cat purrs seeing you back home and snuggles in your lap? Or when my manager gives me a huge responsibility and says he believes that I can deliver it? Or when that little girl comes over and we share a tiny piece of diary milk? Or when I found a travel magazine to read when I was locked out of my house for 3 hours? Or when I finally managed to find a rain stick and bought it? Or when I demand for that extra strawberry sauce topping on my ice cream and relish it without any sense of the surrounding?

I cant pick one from here. Each of these incidents has delighted me; it has given me that sense of euphoria which I did not get when I sat inside my newly bought car or when I bought my flat. For me joy is in simple things life has to offer....

The cocaina and the travel magazine and the fog and the lollipop......For me, joy is in finding that rain stick, getting drenched in rain, in the dog's wagging, in the cat's purring, in relishing the strawberry sauce............

Am I crazy to not value what I possess in materials? Is it because I am getting them easy. I dont know; but joy to me are not from material things. Next time, dont ask me how I feel about driving an auto transmission luxury sedan. I am just going to shrug it off.

I'm a Hypocrite

I don' cheat nobody.

But myself. My virtues and the damn ethical principles I have set for myself; for whatever good reasons dont let me cheat others. Time and again, it has backfired; yet I dont learn lessons from them. I try to be too nice to people; go out of my way to help them; so much so that its not their fault that they are taking me for a ride. Its just that I am exposing myself.

Whatever  happened to that thing called self esteem? Where did I lose it? When did I lose it? I am not ashamed to accept my flaws. I keep pondering about it; what makes me too nicer to people? What makes me behave so humble with certain people? What do I need from them? Money? Unfortunately; I tend to be the spender :-) So this is out of question. Friendship? Shit!! Most of them are fair weather friends. Physical intimacy? No way!!

So what is it? The way I grew up - turbulent and chaotic? Has this molded me in believing I am a lowly creature? Has that instilled in me the idea that my worth is based on how certain people behave with me? Am I of value only if I get that desired care and attention from the people I wish I did than those who are out there for me?

Hell!! No! If that was it, why do I throw up an aggressive and spiteful behavior with others? Why do I treat few others like shit? Why do I remain unapproachable and walk around with an air around me?

Why do I carry a dual personality? I am a selfish person; selectively choosing as I stride. I walk in haste; scared of encountering unfortunate things; yet I am foolish - falling in traps that are too obvious to be noticed.

I put up a mask of confidence when I am scared within. I have insane guts when I ought to be scared. I hold on to someone who dont care for me and more importantly who dont deserve my love when I ought to let go; I kick someone on the gut who are genuinely waiting for me. Its the fear of losing one side and the audacity another side. I am not an angel but a vicious serpent.

I am a Hypocrite - a bitchy one at that.