A Walk

A dark skinned non-oriental feature lone woman walking down the street. Shabbily dressed; a pajama and a T shirt, trainers and a worn-out hat to get some respite from the evening sun rays; looking around, taking in everything the eyes can register. From the distinct aroma of noodles and grilled meat, old men slouching on chairs and some crouching doing nothing, the muddy waters of the river, kids playing with sticks and lump of mud; unkempt and not a care for the world. I wonder when was the last time I saw kids entertaining themselves with nothing but their creativity. Not seeing them glued to a TV or a smartphone or a tablet was kind of shocking.

The twilight was contemplating; whether to arrive or just let this moment linger on for a little bit long. Centuries old Wats(Buddhist temples) stand alongside modern patisseries offering free WiFi to be connected with the world. The courtyards of the Wats are unassuming providing the perfect contrast to the gilded roofs and walls of red and gold of the main temple. Monks clad in bright orange robes trying to go about their ascetic ways; now seemingly tough what with too many things to indulge in. A young monk walked with a broom and started sweeping the street. Another one started taking snaps of the monk in action. It was amusing to watch and I so wanted to know if those monks who live an austere life by seeking alms every morning and evening have a social media account as well? Chuckled at the thought of Buddha's no desire principle clashing with Mark Zuckerburg's stay connected venture.

The heaven tries to open up; yet its hesitant. It decides a drizzle is good enough and the dampness in the air still does not budge. As I walk; crossing scenes after scenes - it occurs to me its all similar. There is sanity; if you observe amidst the cacophony and frenzy. Yet; in that sanity lies the confusion and madness. Thoughts in my head, two personalities debating over which one is true. Out of reverie; I see a tuk-tuk driver expectantly waiting to be asked to be hired. He asks - Tuk tuk? I smile and say no, thank you. On my right; is a public school compound. Empty; school for the day is done. And then; a knock on my head. I look up; a tamarind tree just decided to drop a tamarind on me. I bend down and pick the tamarind and contemplate what to do with it? I carry it with me; did not realize when and where I lost it.

As the twilight set in; the roads came alive with more activities. Street markets, street food stalls and more. Locals and visitors walking around alike. I walk to a nearby stall and inquire the price of a stack of handmade paper. The haggling starts; a couple of minutes later; price agreed and my item is packed. The lady then asks "You from?" I say - "India". "Oh!..with you?" to which I respond "just me". She asks "one?" I say "yes, just one. Me, alone." What did I see? A sense of pity on her face. She feels sad for me. "Oh! why? alone?" I smile and say "I like". I think she got my point. She then asked "You happy?" I smile and nod.

I continue my walk..

PS : This is one of my evenings at Luang Prabang, Laos.

Life's Snippets

A tit-bit you hear as you pass by in a hallway or a random conversation that falls in your ear as you are around waiting for something; maybe in a super market or at the bus stop......does not mean anything to you at all. But more often; those little conversations drives the life and day to day struggles and efforts of that individual.

I am an intense observer; I look at people's body language, their facial expression; those convey a lot - about their fear, inhibitions, joys and such; combined with tit-bit often gives an interesting perspective of one's life.

Now! dont get me wrong. I m neither looking for gossip or juicy piece of news to entertain myself. This is all about people's struggles versus what they are passionate in life about. Trust me! its always at the opposite ends and they dont meet. The whining and the complaining hoping to get past the troubles is never ending.

One may wonder; all these conversations most times complaints? What about happy stories? Yes! happy stories are very easy to notice and deduce. Smile, joys, excitement defines happiness. Its just that - pure and plain happiness.

On the other side; sorrows manifest in many ways - anger, dullness, fear, sombreness. The talks are often subdued, contained and private unlike a happy moment where it is proclaimed. Been hearing a lot of such brief conversations off late. Or rather; I m being a bit attentive maybe these days. As i walk past them or as they walk past me; I hear those one or two sentences which paints a picture of their situation at work, or at home or in a city. Tells a lot about their pain, their desperation and the hope.

"How long would it be until I can start contributing independently? Working with him is such a pain!" - lamenting about a difficult co worker. Our job - plays such an important role in our life given that we spend almost 50% of our day either at work or doing work related activities. Our peers become a part of our life; and their behavior affects our well being so much. Did you know about "work spouse"? Google it. Woah! how much our work influences our life!!

"This is all show; metropolitan life, cars and careers. But each of us are struggling underneath. Whats all this money going to give us? There are times when I seriously think I should go back to my village. Herd 2 cows and be happy with that little I'd get but with peace abounds" - a cab driver's frustration driving in insane Bangalore traffic. I am sure he dreams of his village and two cows every night and yet wakes up in the morning looking for business to be able to lead his "Bangalore" life.

"Its NOT my way; its my mothers way!!" - an 35+ year adult living under the shade of his mother. Mom thinks her "child" needs assistance and help; interfering in his day to day activities, monitoring what he eats, when he sleeps, where he goes. The "child" just playing along.

Sigh! I could go on and on. When I hear conversations as these; I cant help but wonder how we are all so similar; sailing the same ship and battling the odds - some of us fighting the pirates, few of us trying to cross the rough seas and few of us trying to share space with monsters.

Gypsy's worry - "When do we play?"

Life!

Foot in Mouth?

Have been following current news but none of them are just worth it. Not just worth it. I am of the opinion that media agencies should move to body shopping business instead. With all their media people contracting  services to politicians lobbyists!

There has been a phenomena off late where the news channels and the news papers report "foot in mouth" disease of various 'apparently-famous' folks.  Apparently famous because I don't recognize half of them. Either I must be living as an isolated sack to not know them or that they really are not that famous.

Some day a religious man throws his invaluable opinion about a latest incident that shook the nation; and there goes the crowd gung-ho! The news channels, news papers first report, then analyze and the same crowd rebukes and finally publishes his "I am sorry" speech. Another day its a hell-knows-from-where politician.

Now! everyone is entitled to their opinion sir. But are you guys not feeding them what they are hungry for? Fame? Five minutes of fame? Would it not be better to give the person and the statement the (un)importance they deserve? Would it not then be all easy? You really didn't hear anything stupid or even if you did; you give it the best treatment - IGNORANCE.

Instead what is done? Give the magnanimous importance, tom-tom it all around and the no-body gets discussed by everybody.  The so called "accidental" foot in mouth gives them what they are hungry for - FAME. I think it is a calculated foot in mouth they orchestra to gain that fame and boy! how they succeed.

Their gain and what are we? Foolish of course!

Perceptions or My Identity

Couple of off-guard comments and questions last week and I have been thinking who am I? Its not a brain raking thought; just on a lighter side.

Two questions; just two. Those made me realize the perceptions people carry around. Oh! is that the way they've been thinking all the while? And on the serious side, maybe that's how I portray myself!

Is your home town really Bangalore? You've lived all your life here? 

My trainer at the gym asked me with shock one day when we talking casually. I nodded, yeah and added, in fact my mom's parents and grand parents are from Bangalore too. My husband's parents both were employed at Indian Air Force. Knowing this, he kinda chuckled and followed with a comment that went something like - I thought you were from some village in Tamil Nadu. Ungala patha pattikaadu matiri irukku. Its a slang to refer a naive and foolish person who has just arrived from village. Tamil folks, correct me if not. Actually, its a more derogatory remark.

I didn't react. I thought for few seconds, I don't look like a freshly immigrated pattikaadu from any village, I do wear well fitted sports wear to the gym, I look in place perfectly, not out of place! I just asked why; the trainer said that my body language does not show any pride of a Bangalorean. Now folks, I don't know how to show the "I am a Bangalorean" pride. I have spent all my life here; I don't go around wearing a Bangalorean badge on my sleeve the way people who arrived a couple of years ago do. Anyway, as the chat continued; his next question was "Weekend plans ma'am? Party?" I said that I don't attend parties or any such activities since I don't like crowd. He was baffled; a Bangalore local not liking parties...Ummm...Perception!

The second incident occurred yesterday when a friend and his wife and her sister came home. This girl is chatty, comments on everything and anything and talks on topics that I would generally blush to talk! Kids nowadays! Sigh! Enough said. We went out and I was thinking to exchange all my read books. I took her with me to the book store while others went to a nearby mall. Now me, I get lost in books; she waited for me to pick up the books and leave, it took me 30 minutes or so (which is quick! I was aware I was not alone and hence cant take forever)

She kept prodding me about how I read all these, when do I get time, don't I find it boring? She picked a couple of books and asked me "From where will you start reading?" That was weird, of course I wont be reading First printed at...., acknowledgements and all that. She found a couple of words and wanted to know its meaning. "Splendid" and 'frigid". OK! I am not a master in English but this girl is doing her Journalism. Pity her employers and pity her readers.

I was finding it unusual really, I hope my feelings were not exaggerated. I also had to explain why some words in a book were italicized while others were not and later to make her understand what I was meaning by explaining what is italicization. Finally, the big question came

Were you a nerd from the beginning?

Well, I didn't know what to say. Why am I branded a nerd? Just because I read books? I don't wear any spectacles. I don't dress like one; I mean the way they show nerds in movies. I am chic, smart and savvy. Does that warrant for a nerd? Ummmphh! Perceptions!

Or are these my identities? :-|

Geometry Box

Yeah, remember those bright orange and yellow colored Camlin heavy boxes which carried utilities that had special place in your school bag?

Every school kid's birthday gift wish. Neighbor's envy and owner's pride. Some kids were lucky enough to own them much earlier than others. And then what a show-off it was. Get the whole group's attention, get the box out of the special zone in the bag, take off the plastic cover that it came with; no not your dirty hands but your teeth that would open the box. Place it near your lips, feel it, caress it and then bite it open. Each of the instrument were neatly put pack in their plastic cover, tucked into the plastic molded holder and shut tight only to bring the box back to school the next time there was a geometry class.

The world inside was all like Calculus and Trigonometry for a high school kid. Compass, double compass(didn't know it was called a divider then), Protractor and what were those 2 other 'scales' doing in the box? For all I knew, the double compass was used to carve out names on the desk. Co-ed folks would have used it for carving out hearts also I believe.

I remember nagging my parents to get me once the moment I stepped into class 5. Some of my class mates already had them . It was also the battle of mass v/s class. Mass being the "ok-ok" Nataraj Geometry box. They had mini versions too. Class being the Camlin ones. The look and feel of the two would give you an idea why Camlin was expensive and tougher to possess than Nataraj.

Only when I shifted to a prestigious convent in high school that we were taught it was not Geometry Box but Geometrical Instruments Box. Aaah! see, sophistication. Rubber was to be addressed as Eraser, Mender was to be called as Sharpener and Scale as Ruler :-D

Of course, got to know that Double Compass was Divider and it did have a noble use than carving out names. For all I knew, Geometry box was an expensive object to possess. Only few kids were privileged to  get them. And once you own it, you need to preserve it so much that you ended up borrowing set squares and compass from friends in the class so that yours remain new. Such care :)

Miss those days? Aah certainly!

Fair Weather

Pardon me for MIA. Not been busy, but somehow gave a step-motherly treatment to my blog and other posts.

I have few pet peeves. I think I can put a Top 10 pet-peeve list. Among the top would be people taking/trying to take undue advantage of me posing as friends. Well, they are merely acquaintances. Who is a friend? One who is available to share your joys and sorrows - that is to put it in simple and nonchalant way.

But these lots are not available when you want to share sorrows or even joy and don't bother to share. I know of a young man who falls into this category. What do I call him? Little-close friend? Friend-type friend? or Acquaintance?

This guy is sly. He wants to have fun at my expense. Dine at a good restaurant, coffee at an upscale coffee shop or use my vehicle for commute. Never once was chivalrous of picking the tab or offering to share the expenses. Worse yet, for the sake of being polite, I have accompanied him to shopping and window-shopping for the stuffs I am least interested in.

Does it end here? No? If helping him were not enough, I was expected to entertain his acquaintance(that's what he mentioned)  who wanted to use my home as bread and breakfast for 2 days. The girl came down to the city to meet her guy friends who could not let her sleep at their house because they were staying with family. Aaarrrggghhh!

Now you know why I agree to all these? For the sake of being polite. But the rage explodes thousand times within me. These past week however, I have been saying NO to all the asks he has been making. Can I use your vehicle? No. Can I use your scooter? No. and No...no...no

Yeah, I am aware that the fault is mine, all in the name of being nice. I have decided not to be anymore, at least with him

Coward

I remember well, I was wearing a crisp white salwar with pink thrown in; that day. As every other day, I was waiting to board one of the route buses to office. I did not know about this particular bus number until that day; I did not see it after that day also. The bus was not empty, it was not crowded as well.

I did not find a seat, but it was more than enough that I could stand freely. There was someone behind me who I thought was close enough. You guessed it right, a guy. I moved away and there was nothing eventful until a row of seat was empty. I occupied the window and this guy the aisle. He was dressed like an executive, formals and all that. I sensed he was trying something but couldn't. I don't mind sharing the seat with men; as long as they are well behaved. This fellow was not doing anything so that I could raise an alarm and slap him hard. But at the same time, he was not quiet.

Fortunately, my stop arrived; I alighted from the bus and started crossing the melee of vehicles and started walking. It was a traffic signal; and before I knew he caught up with me. Now, I don't think this was his destination as well, but I never knew. I was walking fast and he was trying to catch up. Once he was walking beside me, he gave a sloppy compliments that I looked great. When I turned around to look at him, he was sweating like a pig.

I was more flummoxed than being angry. Now what was this guy wanting, whatever it was, he seemed so scared. I felt poor for his attire now soiled with sweat. I was near the office almost, he still seemed to be walking with me. Fed up, I just stopped and said "Do you want to talk over a cup of coffee?"

Well, I did not know why I said that, but I knew he was a coward to accept the offer. He just walked away after that. This happened 6 years ago; dont ask me why I got reminded of this incident today.

A Flash

There comes a phase in life when nothing grabs your attention. Maybe, not once but it keeps coming and going? Reactions to any event is like "Oh! not again!!" Or "Is that all?" is so common. Bring on something new! even before anything has started.

Is it called boredom or overkill? Maybe both. Any news on TV is just another news; not worth debating, tweeting or blogging. A day is just another day - work, home, sleep and morning again. Of course with other mundane activities thrown in. Weekends are predictable. Friends are fair weather; I mean there is no sweat to be wiped. All's fine.

Is life thrilling only in the absence of mundane stuffs? It scares me you know? To think that this is what I would be doing for the next 20-30 years? I really admire our elders and theirs who would have pretty much lived the whole of their life etched in stone. We are blessed; games, movies, friends, social networking, exposure to lot of other things that can entertain us and yet; I am saying I am bored.

 Thinking about it; it surely is an overkill and lack of patience isn't it? We want results immediately; success to come knocking on the door the very next day. We need it fast and immediate. What's wrong in that? My parents definitely struggled. They had limited exposure, limited opportunities; and the race was not deadly as we see today. Today; even if I work like a donkey all 364 days a year and show sloppy results on one; they won't think twice before replacing me. Such is the competition. There are lot of rotten tomatoes around; people will quickly pick them up and throw it away! 

 Personally, you are too soon bored of your boy friend/girl friend/spouse. First few months are bliss, Overkill here as well. And then the interest wanes. What do you talk to each other? "How was your day today?" What do you need for dinner?" The boy got good grades at school".......Then? Man watches TV and the lady doing something else?

Anything in abundance is sure a spoiler. Somethings are too easy to get; too fast and too easily bored with. You need something else, something new each time and that leaves you bored. What's next? What's new? Will there ever be anything satisfying? I guess not. Then one fine day; nothing matters. You consume everything with the same level of interest; or lack of it. You have seen it all, done it all - is what you believe. Momentary happiness, momentary sadness, its all a flash.

I think I am blabbering, these are just so normal isn't it? I am thinking if I should even post this or delete it? :)
Its all a flash :-)

India - A Paradox

It is not that I don't have anything to write. But these are days when you start to write two lines and then you think you are giving too much of importance to a thing and erase it off.

I was contemplating for few days on writing about the two episodes of Oprah's Next Chapter. This is a 2 part episode that was telecast last week on TLC. Well, my first reaction was "Another American stereotyping India" I don't mean to be harsh; in fact I thought Oprah was an intelligent lady. Sad! 


She visited a 10x10 feet house in a slum and asked insensitive questions to the kids. "Dont you feel cramped?" She visited a filthy rich house and was offered Indian thali and exclaimed "You STILL eat with your hand!" And more insanity as this. 

Anyway, I don't intend to write on it and start off a flurry of views which I think I already can guess. But her conclusive statement was "India is a paradox"  Quite a true statement I must say after all those nonsensical tryst. So is India a paradox? We are a land of billion plus people from all walks of life. Few countries would hold as much promise as India holds for its people. At the same time, few would face the enormous challenges as India's. 

The country was/is seen as a cushion to deteriorating to world economy along with China. We know the state of it internally, price raise, inflation, red tapes, corruption....At one side we show a glamorous India Shining whereas the other side we have the ever gloomy problems. Can this economic growth keep up with the ever growing demands?

Paradox it is in many other ways. We are confused whether to embrace and be proud of our culture or to ape the West. Thinking about it; I don't think we have any other geography of people who have been as contradictory as us. Some one would not like a political party biased on religion but wont allow his own child an inter-religion marriage. You can preach as long as you don't have to participate in washing off the dirt. It is that way at all levels from individual to the nation.

 It is chaotic and yet in harmony. It's a mess and yet its a smooth sail. How long?

Best Left Unsaid?

Who is a human being? One reference is " a member of any of the races of Homo sapiens; person; man, woman, or child". Well that's an anatomical definition; perfect enough. Beyond that; the qualities we possess defines what we are. I am not making any discovery here :) Its known right? Happiness, joys, sorrows, anger, frustration, care, tenderness, love, lust, vengeance, misery, jealousy.......many many qualities; the list can go on. 

The end result of these feelings are expression. I have heard expressing them does wonders; at least you dont have to carry the burden of it within you. Sometimes it can backfire; but if all you care is keeping yourself light; the backfire wont bother you. But if that is going to hit back at you; then better keep off right? 

The fear of rejection or the fear of "what would they think about me?" definitely would keep us from voicing our opinions or concerns. I for one certainly think on a different angle than these two. "Did I not have that self control to handle the situation better?" always keeps me on my toes; I would better keep quiet and make my heart heavy than blurt it out and open another can of worms. 

I agree it doesn't work all the time. Sometimes it works in my favor when in a day or two I realize why something happened that way or the reason behind someone's behavior. They had a reason; and I am glad I waited before I fired. Some times its odd; because the moment has passed when I could have struck red hot. The assumption that some day they will realize is a stupid one. No one does! Other times, not talking about it causes drift and bitterness within that grows like a vicious weed that can choke you up.

Anyway; this one quality sets people apart from one another isn't it? The "What if" factor. What if I told her? What if I did not tell her? What if the situation got better? What if the situation got worse? What if he understands me some day? Living in anticipation of a better situation or a favorable situation keeps us going. 

"Never mind, I will be promoted next year". Only to realize you forgot to put the effort this year; you thought your last year's success will speak for your next year? Oh boy! Would it have been better to have clarified about it than assume? 

Anyway, it is better to wait for the right moment to speak. Its fine to speak than holding back. But the right time gets the importance you would like to attach; meanwhile you have had time to collect your thoughts and formulate a plan to go about it. 

Or sometimes its best left unsaid :)

Friday Fatuity

So after deciding to write a new post and keeping the Compose page for a couple of hours now; I am really tapping away the "smooth" keys on my laptop.

Back again after drifting away from writing for an hour or so. Lost in looking at photos on flickr. My favorite passtime is reading, watching cookery shows on TV (never to cook them :P) and browsing through flickr and other photo sharing sites and learn the techniques.

Anyway, the "smooth" comment was made by my junior who was typing away some code on my laptop and felt MAC was too smooth. Weekend means a combination of elation and depression. All of a sudden; you are released from the clutches of bout of work and you don't know how to kill 2.5 days and at the same time happy that the work can be forgotten.

The fact that I rely on spell check software to notify with red wavy underline when I type the word "DONT" without an apostrophe is alarming to me. Why am I orphaning the apostrophe? Bad me! Won't ever again; the proof is that I typed "won't" twice with apostrophe. I know! this is turning out to be gibberish.

But it's nice to be gibberish  once in a while isn't it? Or always, so what? Aah nice, so far I am using the apostrophe. Good for me and good for it as well ;-)

Well, heard dogs bark; it is not too late in the night but it is nice to hear a lively sound other than the mundane noise from the filters in aquarium. MUNDANE!  I updated my FB status as thus

Life is all about looking for not so mundane moments in mundane life

Well, its not mine; I stole it from a friend when we were chatting. He was prodding me with what's happening in life by asking numerous questions. I kept saying "nothing..as usual.." and such kinds. He passed this comment in passing and I liked it.

Another friend; who is my best friend commented asking me the meaning of 'mundane' :-) How mundane!

Well, enough of nonsense. Will leave you with a picture of a glamorous lady!

Nuisance

My mom called me an hour ago. She asked me if I can send the photos of me with pilots to my cousin. She was referring to the photos I clicked during my inflight experience in light aircraft and photos with pilots after the flight during my trip in Costa Rica.

I told her it was online on Facebook; so if he adds me as friend he can view them. I asked her why my cousin was interested in those pictures. What she told me irritated me as usual. She told me that during one of the usual conversation with her sister; she mentioned my photo with the pilots episode. Her sister got back a while later that it was utterly impossible to click snaps with pilots during flights as passengers dont have access. My mom has retorted with "Do you think my eyes would lie? I saw the pictures"; to which her sister has asked her to send the pictures as proof. My mom does not understand the nuances of facebook; she asked me to repeat what I said slowly so that she could write it down and repeat to them. 

Now this is not new to me. The cold war between two sisters as to who is living a better life and whose kids are doing good in their life, careers, financially....is a regular affair. Of course this stems from the insecurities and inferiority that have been nurtured for decades now among them but the fact that I am victimized every time irks me.

Some time back, it was about the cost of my car; I had to detail the model, engine type, type of transmission etc to justify the cost as compared to what my cousin and his mom believed was the price for the car! Some other time it was the comparison of cost of my flat versus cost of the flat in London where her sister's daughter lives.

I lost it today and told her not to disturb me with such stupid matters; she shot back telling me that she wants to show-off to her sister since she  also brags!

Each time, I need to give an explanation so that these two ladies are equipped with information to prove who has better life; not in terms of quality definitely but in terms of material possession. What are they trying to prove by taking credits of their children's life? Does it add any value to their quality of life is what I do not understand. The fact that I have to satisfy their silly ego annoys me.

Abstract

"They look like space and they're not real and they're not realistic. They're like space and they don't look really, really much like space. They look abstract". I have been trying to decode these statements. What is the speaker trying to convey. These are from a 5 year old girl who is already an art prodigy; already garnered worldwide fame and holds the distinction of being the youngest professional painter in the world. Every one of her paintings in last year's solo exhibition in NYC were sold within seven days.

I have been reading this piece of news since morning and searching for various abstract paintings. But sad! I dont understand any of them. There are lines and colors, and left at that. They do not convey any meaning. Is that what its is supposed to be? Why would someone do something of this sort?

A bit of curiosity beckons everyone. Is this what it is? Wikipedia says "Abstract art uses a visual language of form, color and line to create a composition which may exist with a degree of independence from visual references in the world"

 "...which may exist a degree of INDEPENDENCE...." Which means it does not have to convey any meaning; it need not be legible to lowly humans as me :) It is open to any interpretation your mind in its capacity can make. So when intelligent people understand and appreciate abstracts; I am still trying and trying but in vain. It's like this. Prepare a dish and ask people who taste it to guess. What they guess is the dish! :)

The riot of colors and chaotic lines would definitely have some pattern isn't it? Yes, the chaos theory tells so. Its only the uber intellectuals who can understand that. Not lowly folks like me. How about you?

Life is an art. Little bit of curiosity keeps it spicy and pepped up. Imagine if it were all clear and understood by all? When would there be confusion, indifference, ambiguity, misunderstanding? We need this. We need the deviation from reality, from being recognizable, from being crisp and from being held accountable. 

How else could we transform a failure to success? Those who don't understand are fools!

Been Alone?

I am asked "Are you alone at home now?" I say yes. Then the volley of questions. Can you stay alone? Are you not scared? Don't you get bored? The questions are laced with pity and remorse.

I did not ask for pity. Excuse me! Did I say I am detesting the idea of staying alone? You can't feel bad for me just because I am a woman. I enjoy the me-time; the only-me time.

My husband is away to Vietnam on a business trip. (You can feel sad for me that I could not visit Vietnam). I will have to stay alone until he returns. I think I am old enough to manage and stay on my own. This is one thing. Sometimes I hear from few friends how much they wish their spouse worked in the same office as theirs. I try hard not to pass any comments there. I mean, you are in each other's company at home; you even want the spouse sticking around at workplace? Wont you get bored seeing the same face day in and day out? I mean, I change teams every 3 years because I am bored seeing the same faces. Agreed spouse is not the same as team. You are going to be together until death does you apart. So why do you need the person around even at work? Common! you cant expect help in getting a cup of coffee. So why?

I once commented about how boring that would be and lo! I was given dirty looks as if I am committing adultery. Folks, simple man is a social being but he needs personal space once in a while. I am happy to spend few days alone away from any interference. Think about it. You get to watch your favorite channel without changing channels. You dont have to cook, wash or clean. You dont have to wake up early. You dont have to comment on the choice of dress :P

Oh! and I can sit in my living room and attend official conference calls and watch TV!! This me-time is so important. I would feel suffocated having a person around me all the time.

What it means to Die

Oh yeah! How inappropriate. How would one know what it means to die until one dies and how can the aftermath be expressed :)

Well, what I am going to talk here is the hearsay. Death means an end to problems, events, situations, freedom from all. "Go die!" is something we say to an irritating person. So in short death means peace? I think I am close even if I am not right.

This evening at around 5:15 PM, I left office so that I could escape the traffic. I am commuting by scooter since 2 weeks; with all these fuel hikes and the irate attitude of the auto drivers; I decided enough is enough. Anyway; today there was a pile of vehicles on the road, moving slowly feet by feet in snail's pace. The traffic was piled for a km.

My fingers were aching by applying frequent brakes. It was so frustrating; to make matters worse a Mallu guy driving a Volkswagen Vento behind me was constantly honking!!! How do I know he was a Mallu? The car was KL registered. Anyway, it was not that I was having a party on the road. The road was choc-a-bloc, where will I find a path to move? After few minutes, I thought I should do something about it.

I turned behind and asked gestured what was the problem? That guy gave a smile, loser! I just asked him to wait and continued at snail's place. So after those horrible pushing the vehicle for one km, noticed flowers strewn on the road. Not another party procession! But the HC ruled out any party meetings within the city radius! So this must be something else. Any festive procession? What's special today? No festivities. Then I see a policeman helping streamline the traffic. A hearse van ahead of him.

It was the final procession of a dead person. As in some of the customs, they were celebrating his/her final journey. Bulbs of flowers strewn on the road, music band playing the standard music, a couple of drunk men dancing while remaining oblivious to the traffic pile up they created. The road is busy from 5 to 8; there are 2 major Business Parks hosting around 30+ MNCs having 50,000+ people working. Everyone rushes home during these peak hours.

My thoughts were about the dead person. How would he/she have been? Quality? Would that person have liked celebrating any event at the cost of causing trouble to others? Or was that person a trouble all the time that he/she is living(dead) up to the expectations?

Die in peace but leave others in trouble? I hope whoever that person was would have hated the trouble this event has caused; poor thing was helpless.

What to write?

Suppose I am earning a pretty good money; but the work is mundane and if there is no encouragement, will I continue to work? My needs are met; so what? Hmm...there is no drive, no encouragement and no challenges.

The work is fine, loads of appreciation and good moolah at the end of the day. Will I continue? Hmm may be not. No challenge, nothing to rake my brain about.

OK! very good work, loads of appreciation and challenges each time that sets a high bar to my capability, but the compensation is not that great. Will I work there? Ummm...I will look out for the first opportunity.

Well, this post has got nothing to do with my work. Fortunately; I am blessed with good job environment, challenging work and pretty good money. I am trying to compare my work to blogging. Both are poles apart; my job feeds me and gives me a shelter whereas blogging feeds my soul. Both I am passionate with blogging as much as I am passionate about my job.

So? What is the problem? Hmm...not a one-dimensional. Blogging world is slow; no time to read blogs, not many good topics to read....we have lost topics to write on....Enough of cribbing, bitching, complaining :D
No encouragement...many more NOs to come.

BUT....................

Do we write for people to take notice of us and appreciate what we write? I will jump up and say NO. I write for myself, It soothes me and all that crap! But deep down, dont you wish you got that 50 comments per post? And that there were good debate sessions on topics shared? Well, those were the days. Why am I not showing that interest as I did? Why is my blog getting a step-motherly treatment? I dont have other vices like twitter or FB. All I do on FB is share some of the pictures I click once in a while. So why?

I click on New Post many times but dont write anything. I am corrupt now. When I started; I kept writing without waiting for people. And then someone cropped in and slowly the numbers increased; my anticipation too....Any human tendency and this proves I am a lowly human too :)

Ciao...

Women and Ambiguity

Its a universal known truth that women cant be straight forward isn't it? We throw a hint and expect the man to pick up the clue. But how do women deal with ambiguity?

I mean its equally difficult for us as well. I am talking out more in terms of my professional experience than personal. Some are trained to read in between the lines, to understand body language but why cant one say it in plain language?

I have realized that ambiguity is what leads to stress. You do not know what to do, what to expect and what not to do. You tread that path in confusion and doubt. Is it tough to say "Look! I need you to step up since I have future plans for your growth" than asking "why don't you do this...that...? Otherwise even in personal life; why should it be complicated? Communication is dangerous as equally as being helpful.

Anyway. getting back to professional life. I have heard women cant handle ambiguity. Ambiguity is a prime factor while in leadership role. Its easy if things are binary but what starts you guessing and in turn stressing out is when there is no definitive expectations, role, responsibilities call whatever you want to.

How do you handle "You will be held responsible for his failure" and yet be told "Don't tell him what to do"

Isnt that crazy? I have heard of things like these in corporate world. It seems men can handle such situations better than women. Hmm, maybe they just take it easy or can draw out the black and white from the gray.

Enough ranting for today :)

Why I strive for Perfection?

Something has been bothering me for a couple of weeks. Yeah, its like that leech sucking blood out of you, bothering me in my sleep, in my dreams, in my daily routine. I am a sucker for perfection. Isn't that wrong? Or am I a sucker for complete control? Yeah, this is a better way to put that quality of mine.

Diligent worker, passionate who craves for perfection. I have been told that not everyone around me would work in the same speed as me or that I should not expect the agility or knowledge that I showcase. But why is it hard for me to slow down? I don't take pride of these qualities, because it may not do good to me.

Is it not ironical when I say such qualities might harm me? Yeah, in a corporate world you need to be individual contributor and at the same time be a team player. You need to be an effective communicator; but isn't communication effective only if the receiver interprets it the way you would like it to be? You are supposed to provide technical guidance; are reprimanded for offering advice and also for not being approachable (if people don't reach out to you).

Well, I think I am venting out my helplessness here. Anyway the basic problem here. Why do  I strive for perfection? Its not going to happen and it isn't easy to keep everyone and yourself happy. Something that has been inculcated in me by myself through the years. For someone who did not get things easy, working hard to achieve was not enough; being average was an anathema. I hear my friends telling me that I am different; is it supposed to make me happy? Hell! no I shudder.

Being told that I have done something beyond my capacity and capability; being in par with others who are probably way way experienced and senior to me worries me that I might fail somewhere down the lane. The paranoia pushes me for perfection; I magnify a trivial mistake; rehash it many times until it blows up and shows up as a scar only to me. Is there a way out of this obsessive behavior? How can others take it so easy but not me? Why do I lose sleep and punish myself for no fault of mine?

I need to let go, its also a way to achieving perfection. Why to judge something thats not in your hands? Humans are designed to have flaws, to achieve perfection is to be certain; to be certain is to be in total control; and with control comes the sense of power; forgetting oneself in the process.

As I was mulling over these since a couple of weeks, I saw an article on Sunday Times today. How perfect! Oops!  I think I realize what it is; if I am pointed at for not doing something that was expected of me, I am going to say "I will do it here after" instead of justifying what I did and why it did not work. "Let it go!" as a colleague said...yeah thats what I will do...Just let it go :)

UP Engineer who also knows Kannada

The twitter world is abuzz with tweets screaming "An engineer from a college in Mysore", "CM who knows Kannada" and such.

ET screamed an article with headline "Cyber world hails UP Engineer who also knows Kannada". I would have left it at that had I not been provoked to comment about this.

First, surprised that ET's article header screams UP Engineer who also knows Kannada. Is there hidden sarcasm? If not, is being an engineer or knowing a south Indian language an added qualification?

Well, I think I am reading too much into this. But here are my views.

• Its not usual to come across a person from the north who knows a south Indian language...Hmm I don't think so. 
• Or because they claim he has not forgotten the language even after leaving the state of Karnataka - maybe as this is very unusual.
• Its more unusual for an engineer who knows Kannada getting into politics (Why not a nice techie job in somewhere in Silicon Valley :-P) 
• Celebrating the spirit of Bangalore because Akhilesh understands "Swalpa adjust madi"

Whatever, we have come to such a level that any professionally qualified person with other skills who gets into  politics is deemed welcoming. Yeah the young CM will be tech savvy, he can talk to kisans while he taps his iPad with ease. He is easily accessible on Facebook. He understands the pulse of the youth and knows the importance of development and education.

I hope there will be no jugads or Swalpa adjust madi

Help and Friends

Though 'help' and 'friends' are synonymous to one another; they don't always have to go hand in hand isn't it? Help comes from remotely ever imagined manner if you really are in need of it - from a stranger let's say. They are gone even before you turn around to thank them.

Yesterday evening, while I was commuting back home; the auto driver saw another auto driver standing helpless on the road. I guess he understood what his problem would be because this guy did not ask him any question but just nodded in approval; the other fellow pushed his auto and jumped to his seat. The most innovative way of towing happened; or rather nudging I should say. The auto driver in which I was started kicking/pushing the auto while he exposed his left leg outside. In that way, the kinetic energy of the auto in motion got transferred to his leg and he pushed the auto which had a break down. So this happened for 2 kms where the auto steadily was kicked and it picked speed.Once the gas station neared this guy directed him and just picked speed; did not even wait for a thank you. Now I don't know if they have that autowallah bhai-bhai feeling; it still was impressive to me.

That was the HELP part. Now the FRIENDS part. Friends are not supposed to keep track of helps and lending a shoulder to cry isn't it? After all, we are friends! So friends, friends appropriately forget the help done in cash, kind or deed. Your pokes, pings, mails go unheard. They flaunt their celebrations, travel to exotic places and have expensive wine and gourmet food but they don't find a minute to try to keep in touch. Hell!! I am not jealous even when they cozy up with once-upon-a-time enemies who made their life grumpy! It does not hurt me even a wee bit if they ignore your attempt to reaching out.

I have a bad habit of sniping off contacts in any form once I feel bitter. Now that's bad. No wonder my friends list on FB does not cross 100. I cant help it; I believe it takes lot of dedication and trust to earn a friendship and equally to maintain it. If not; its just not worth!