I'm a Hypocrite

I don' cheat nobody.

But myself. My virtues and the damn ethical principles I have set for myself; for whatever good reasons dont let me cheat others. Time and again, it has backfired; yet I dont learn lessons from them. I try to be too nice to people; go out of my way to help them; so much so that its not their fault that they are taking me for a ride. Its just that I am exposing myself.

Whatever  happened to that thing called self esteem? Where did I lose it? When did I lose it? I am not ashamed to accept my flaws. I keep pondering about it; what makes me too nicer to people? What makes me behave so humble with certain people? What do I need from them? Money? Unfortunately; I tend to be the spender :-) So this is out of question. Friendship? Shit!! Most of them are fair weather friends. Physical intimacy? No way!!

So what is it? The way I grew up - turbulent and chaotic? Has this molded me in believing I am a lowly creature? Has that instilled in me the idea that my worth is based on how certain people behave with me? Am I of value only if I get that desired care and attention from the people I wish I did than those who are out there for me?

Hell!! No! If that was it, why do I throw up an aggressive and spiteful behavior with others? Why do I treat few others like shit? Why do I remain unapproachable and walk around with an air around me?

Why do I carry a dual personality? I am a selfish person; selectively choosing as I stride. I walk in haste; scared of encountering unfortunate things; yet I am foolish - falling in traps that are too obvious to be noticed.

I put up a mask of confidence when I am scared within. I have insane guts when I ought to be scared. I hold on to someone who dont care for me and more importantly who dont deserve my love when I ought to let go; I kick someone on the gut who are genuinely waiting for me. Its the fear of losing one side and the audacity another side. I am not an angel but a vicious serpent.

I am a Hypocrite - a bitchy one at that.

Black to rustic.....

Black is Boring.......................to me......................NOW!

Hence the change in the overall look of my blog. I am always mesmerized by black. Black means secretive to me, calm, a mystery; hard nut to crack; also dull and boring. Yet black is powerful, bold and strong but can get onto your nerves sometimes. Right now, probably,that is what has happened to me. When I was asked to choose a template for this E-Trash(a.k.a. my Blog), when I first started blogging, Black caught my attention. It was calm, quiet and elegant then.

Now its dull and lifeless!

So I decided to revamp my blog. Experimented with lot of templates, shades of blue - beach, sky.....shades of green - leaves, garden.....shades of yellow - flowers, tiger....shades of brown - chocolate............

I previewed many, something lacked in one or the other. Something amiss. I don't know what, I cannot explain what it is, yet I could sense it. I repeated the process of applying the template and previewing it as many number of times till I was satisfied.

And finally chose this wooden windows. Rustic, earthy. If I were to be asked if this has left me happy? satisfied? I don't know. But this is what it is.

Is this about the lack of "something" in those mixtures of colors and patterns? Is the BLACK really DULL or LIFELESS? Or is it my current state of mind?

It is obvious to my state of mind. Out of 100 odd templates I saw of various patterns, colors and tags, I could RELATE to only one right now. I LIKED all of them, but I could relate to only one. Prodding more, I don't even like this current one as much as I liked a couple of other templates.

But this is what I am right now. So one can like all, but could only relate to one specific thing at a point of time - though one may not necessary like the thing being related to. Sometimes, you cant express what you are going through. Its not the lack of communication or the lack of expression, its just that you have no idea as to what is going on with you. You are left wondering, searching for answers. This is a weird situation or emotion if I may call it. This does not mean things are going bad for you. Everything is fine - personally, professionally, otherwise...yeah with a couple of glitches - Who does not have it? Yet, something amiss........................................................................

I HAVE NO SLIGHTEST IDEA!!!!!!

Coming back, for that matter, rustic is not my choice otherwise. I prefer the sky and the beach to rusty earth. But this is what I chose now; hoping that this image would fill my void....