Missed opportunities?

Its a question I ask myself....

Well, the opportunities are not of the meritorious kind. So one may say those are not "moral" ones. Hey! so what? I am a lowly normal "human" being and these days opportunities dont knock on your doors. They graze it and flee away!

And as for me; luck and me have always walked in opposite directions. So yeah! thats why opportunities that go by makes me cringe.

What kind of opportunities you may ask? Everything and anything...personal networking, work related ones, a lil' favor here and lil' obligation there. Everything man!

See! it all starts because of the weird short name I have. Not very short..but short short. Many of my friends here would already know my name. If not; here it is. No! its not the most recognized, often on news name. So don't have any expectations. The name is BINDU...BINDU..

Yeah....James Bond style.

But tell me this...does my name tell you anything about me? My native place, my language, my community, my religion, my region....anything at all?

If my name were Krishna Priya Gopalakrishnan appended by a religion/community identifier followed by regional identifier ; maybe it would tell I am a South Indian belonging to such and such community and speaking such and such language. But no! Nothing of that kind. 

Its just Bindu and yeah I have a TG attached to the end like any South Indian. Its the TG that holds the meat you know. It does have my community, ethnicity, religion, language...blah..blah..blah..attached to it and no wonder generates a lot of curiosity. And that my dear brothers and sisters I hide the expansion of TG like they have hidden the original Coca Cola recipe.

Many have asked me to expand TG and yes, there is a lot of curiosity. Human beings - curios nature - cant help. I have often refrained from it. Sometimes I get away the awkwardness by expanding it to "The Great" and people cant understand why I don't want to reveal what is just a name. It would have been easy if there was a Kurien or a Gowda or a Reddy or a Shah or a Singh or a Fernandez or a phew!!!!

But no; I dont want it that way. I dont know why; its always been embarrassing. So among my cousins; we have some who proudly flaunt their ancestry (which gives you an idea of their kulam, gothram and all that origin) while I here dont have a clue of it. And to make matters worse; I dont look typical so that people can attach me to a group. People have conveniently put me to a group or origin as they thought right. I have been "mistaken" to be a Marwari, Tulu, Malay (hehehehe), Sri Lankan (more hehehehehe) , Malayalee and the list goes on.

What would you make out of a girl (ok! ok!), strike that out...A woman who has short hair, most times unkempt, wears some washed out worn out jeans, a T shirt and roams around with a sling bag. My spouse recently commented that I am dressing up like boys (This one warrants a separate post).

OK! Now why missed opportunities?  Its easy isnt it? Just think..

I cant be part of a Malayalee gang nor can I fit myself into a Tamizh gang. North Indians look at me with suspicion while South Indians feel no commonness with me and have disowned me. At work too; people group together based on their region or language. There too, I am nowhere. The favor my Telugu colleague gets just because of her oh! so! Telugu surname is something that I am deprived off.

No ones comes up to me and starts a conversation with "Neenga Tamizh-aaa?".

So I often wonder....

Did I miss a salary hike or did I miss a promotion?
Did I miss a hot-guy in a party?
Did I miss a friendly lady group?

I will never know...as long as I choose to remain Bindu with a TG. Sigh!

Before you think I am ending the post with a Sad face; here is a true incident that happened at the Udaipur Airport. It was 5 AM chilly and I am all brrrrrrrr trying to get inside the airport building. The CISF personnel checking my ticket asked me "Doosra aadmi kahan hai?" It took a moment for me to fathom what doosra aadmi he is talking about.

You see, only my passport has the expansion of TG and with that my name crosses the reserved 22 boxes provided to fill in my name in the India Immigration Form. The TG in itself is good enough to be another person's name. In my case, its my grand father's and my father's name put together garnished with the community name they belong to. I said there was no doosra aadmi and all and in time the CISF personnel realized it as well and we started laughing. Phew!

This is fine but I was close to being rejected boarding a flight in JFK because my name didnt fit into the provided boxes and I restored to short form which didnt match my name in the passport! Oh my God!

Of Tones and Slangs

We had a small convenience store; which my mother looked after. Our home was in a tiny 10x10 shop; wooden frame draped with a heavy screen partitioned the "home" and the shop. While my mom was a home maker taking care of me and my infant brother; she also managed the shop.

It was the 80s; we stayed in an industrial estate in North Bangalore which had easily 500+ small and large scale industries. ISRO was coming up; Kirloskar was a big company with 1000+ employees. We catered to cigarettes, beedis, betel leaves and nuts, candies, bananas and such. A small time business you see.

Since it was house cum shop; my mom would leave the shop unsupervised while she attended to home needs like cooking, washing etc. I don't recall if I started school already or was it one of those days when I had a holiday. But I do remember two episodes; one is not related to other. But these two show how language and mannerisms can bring confusions and misunderstanding.

While my mom took care of my brother or was attending to house chores; she would make me sit on a chair in the front of the shop. I had to let her know if someone came over to buy some stuff. I managed the sale once I grew up a year or two :) Anyway one such day; a man walked by to buy a cigarette. I continued sitting and yelled at my mom "Yaaro vanthurukka".

The guy picked up a fight with my mom about how I addressed him without respect(in singular). He understood "vanthurukka" as vanthurukkaN". Notice the subtle difference here. Regular usage in Tamil would be "vanthrukkaR" addressing with respect. "Vanthurukka" is the Brahmin slang which is equivalent to "vanthrukkaR". My mom had to explain the nuances to his guy who was not willing to listen. The episode left me flustered.

The second episode was something similar. There were lot of Malayalee immigrants who set shop in that part of town. Now, it is very normal for a Malayalee to address someone as "Yaey!" which is so offensive to people here. A poor Malayalee who was new in town addressed my mom "Yaey" and guess what? She yelled at him until he ran away :)

What my mom failed to understand was this guy is in a similar position as her when I uttered "Vanthurukka" :-)

What NOT to write

After writing about array of topics; brushing with fictions and poetry, trying a hand at sarcastic posts and dissecting current affairs, what else is left to write? Its a pretty tough job to keep the readers satisfied you know :-P Yeah, yeah we all tell we write for ourselves, don't we?

I have had my share of controversies and brick-bats in this space and on other's space also. Its sometimes fun to fight after rubbing someone on the wrong side; sometimes wary to be trying to explain what your intention is and sometimes angry for letting someone be your energy sucker.

So I thought I will help my fellow bloggers with my experience on what one must avoid writing and why.

Current affairs - Why do you want to turn into another Arnab? Common! Get a life! As if its not enough to watch those guys on TV, do we need to put up with your tantrums as well?

Scoop - Some people try ways to grab attention; you are also vying for that. Such a cheap tactic!

Fiction - Anybody and everybody wants to become a story teller..No creative juice yet you attempt. And what a bad vocabulary to tolerate!

Travelogue - I don't understand whats the great fuzz in going gaga over mountains and water and grass!! She seems to have spent all her ideas; so she is safety tricking to travel.

Food - I cant get to comment anything beyond "Yumm", "slurp" or "I will try out this recipe this week" :-|

Photography - Aww, he has a good camera; but why do people find interesting to click rocks??

Personal - That's like washing your dirty linen in public isn't it?

Poetry - Most people find it hard to understand your intent, why do you make it more difficult for them by your abstract or personified poetry?

Gossips - Do you want to come across as a motor mouth?

Social issues - Again, its not a safe option. You will always sound complaining and never appreciating about the good things.

Life and philosophy - You might end up being someone frustrated with life and you will get "Is everything ok?", "Everything will be alright" messages flooding your inbox. You will have that extra job of adding a disclaimer to every such post :)

Movies - More often than not its stupidity and sleaze. And only folks with limited worldly knowledge talk about movies, no?

Human behaviors - You are sure to be branded a stereotype, feminist, MCPs and what not! So beware!

So what are we left with? Hmm, give me some options!

I Dont Know Nothing

Neha mentioned that she is writing a post. I asked her about what? Her reply was "dunno". And bang on! I told her that I thought I had an idea for a post. She asked me what? I said "Donno" :) So now we have to see who will publish the post first :)

So have we not got "dont know", "nothing" for an answer while having a general conversation. I use it frequently because I genuinely dont know! I dont plan on things, it just happens and I prefer it that way. Few of my friends were cold with me because when they asked me where I was going during year end; I said I dont know and when they figured out I was soaking up in Lanka, they got mad. Now; I really didnt know.

I also dont know about 'What next?' I dont want to think much. Thinking is tough! I just go ahead and act on it. Yeah, I also use 'nothing' lot of times when I am thinking something.  Its not that I dont want to reveal what I am thinking but I am just lazy to explain. I have to confess that many I talk to dont give me DONT KNOW or NOTHING for an answer.

If you notice, these words abruptly stalls a conversation or if not that worse; it puts an end to the topic and we move to another topic. Its an easy way out for me from those holy grail talks. But few are so persistent; they wouldnt leave unless you spill the beans.

Look folks! I am humble. I do nothing and I dont know anything. To be not knowing anything is the most difficult and intellectual thing in the whole world. Thats when you learn and you desire to learn more.

When you know nothing, you dont have to do anything; so ultimately nothing is left undone as you dont know anything :-P

To quote from Oscar Wilde -

I love talking about nothing. It is the only thing I know anything about

Corporate Priest

Have you any time wondered what it is to have all those quality and performance measurement goals of corporate world applied to a common man with a merge earning to feed himself?

We have all those jazzy terms to make our life complicated. What can you do if someone intends to make it complicated? Service level agreements, performance, appraisals, quality metric blah..blah..blah....

These terms were invented for the sole purpose of not giving someone something that they rightly deserve. I truly believe so. Anyway these thoughts struck me after visiting a temple. It was about - What if a priest went to work for corporate world?

What is his qualification?
His caste? Maybe, maybe not. 

What are his skill sets to be on this job?
A couple of lines of Sanksrit chants. You may not even know if he is uttering them right!

What are his development plans?
Whats that? 

How regularly is he updating his skills?
Nothing of that kind. 

What are his people management skills?
Smile at devotees/small talk/distribute prasadams...

What are his operational activities?
Perform poojas, chant mantras, offer prasadams....anything else?

What are the SOPs he follows? Who lays down those SOPs?
Errr.....came up with funny ideas.

What are his cross functional activities?
Communicate to God, interface with Devotees...

What are the appraisal metrics on which he is assessed?
People management, YoY donation collection from Devotees.

Bonus? Perks? 
Closer proximity to God. He can now access God's jewelery? 

Such a simple job, but look how complicated a corporate world can make :)

Horny Power

My iPod is my savior in many situations. It helps me a lot during my commute - spared of hearing lewd comments and helps me be oblivious to my bumpy auto rickshaw ride. But...but one thing that my iPod is also helpless is in dealing with Horny India.

Yes, India is horny, Indians are horny. They are horny all times; right out in the middle of the road in full public view; any time of the day. Men and women are equally horny. You can see them incessantly blowing bugles - the horn. Peeeee!! Paaaah!!

Why do we blow horns all the time? At the signal when it is RED, at the traffic jam when the vehicles cant move an inch. Are we a group of insensitive, impatient folks? Few of the countries I have visited erased the notion from my mind that only developed countries had disciplined drivers. Hell! no!! It has nothing to do with economic situation of any country.

Is the driver honking assuming that his honks will turn the RED to GREEN eventually? Much like pressing the buttons on the lift panel will cruise you through! What if its bumper to bumper traffic, deadlocked situation, or just plain signal?

Horns are used in extreme situations; either to evade a possible accident; to attract attention; to vent out frustration that results to due to a fellow driver breaking some driving etiquette. Look at us! We cant think of a traffic without horns. A silent drive is a crime. A perfectly empty road; not even a stray dog; and still you have your thumb pressed on the horn and it blares!

Which makes me wonder for whom is the horn for? There is no one on the road. For the plants and the trees? I have read that talking to plants helps them grow healthy. So if talking helps them grow, honking will help them sustain for a longer time is it? Go Green eh? Or is it for the driver himself? Self motivating mantra? Maybe! the driver is trying to get in touch with his/her inner self. Ummm...

No! there should be some other secretive rationale behind this! We Indians dont do anything without a reason, no? There should be something behind it? Is the horn supplying the much needed Green energy to propel the engine forward? I would pursue this search.

HORNY Power did I say?

Inactive on Facebook

"Why arent you active on Facebook?" A question of confusion if Bindu has gone back in time or was it a question of serious concern if I was sane yet. Or was it a question due to disbelief that someone can actually have nothing interesting in life to share it among 'friends'.

I am a tech savvy person; grabbing the latest gadgets in town to exploring latest technology. But the concept of social networking has always puzzled me; maybe due to the fact that I am reserved by nature. The idea of flaunting yourself to the world - virtual world where you dont know 99% of the folks indeed intrigues me. I still remember sometime in 2005 when I asked a group of friends at office pointing at an application on their monitor "whats this?" I still recall that shitty stare I got from everyone around. This is Orkut, havent you heard about it?

"Uh..huh yeah, sorry I did not take a proper look" response never helped me. That very day; I logged onto gmail to create an orkut account. It remained dormant for a very long time; until I saw others posting pictures and my kindergarten classmates requesting for friendships. Oh great! Orkut brought us together again.

Well, I am a late entrant to Facebook as well. Joined as recently as 2 years ago; very discreet; rejected every other friend request from people I didnt know. I mean, why should I be friends with someone out there in some corner of the world? The answer was "to know each other better". Heck! let me get to know myself better first. It was overwhelming to see folks having 1000+ friends; were they really friends?

What is a friend? Facebook seems to have changed the very meaning of friendship. I can be friends with anyone - my mom, dad, husband, teacher, peon, maid, maid's daughter's boyfriend. You can be friends with your mother-in-law as well, can you believe that? Isnt it amazing? I can create a fan page of myself; ask people to 'Like' me. Just like; they cant 'dislike'. Facebook is just for human beings you thought? :) No! cats and dogs and cows and rats have a profile page and they update them regularly.

Hey whats for dinner today?

I have posted the menu on my wall. Go check

is not far off......

Strange are the ways. My classmates who didnt speak a word with me while in college send me FRIEND request. Manager sends friend request and request for farmville so that they can continue the game. Being an agrarian economy; if only our real farmers were as dedicated as our virtual farmers; we would be prosperous.

Anyway; that question got me thinking. I replied "My blog posts get updated as I post". He snapped "yeah thats ok, but why are YOU not active". Well, what do I write on the wall? As soon as I login, the WALL yells at me "Whats on your mind?"

Right now; I need to rush to the loo!!! Thats on my mind. Up next; what am I going to cook for dinner. Thats on my mind. I need to pay my credit card bills. That IS on my mind! Do you want to write on the WALL??? This wall is stronger than the Berlin wall.

Well, its kinda nagging; suggesting me to try this game or add a probable known person. Its just not just facebook; I was being emailed "Do you want Google+ request?" There were folks cribbing they didnt get request. Thats another maze I am still trying to figure a way out; I keep getting updates; spamming my mail box.

But its real entertainment if you look carefully. You get to know which flavor of ice cream your friend had or that a friend just came back from a parlor and feels her skin silky smooth after a facial or any event happening in your area or worse! your boyfriend broke up with you and your relationship status ought to be changed!!

The idea of friendship, privacy is lot changed, isnt it? Am I not adapting faster enough? Am I still living in iron age? How much is too much? You are not in if you dont have a social networking account. I told my husband; he chuckled and just commented "What a cheap life!!" only to join the bandwagon and guess what?

We are friends with each other now :-D

In Love - Head Over Heels

I am done with my Nicholas Sparks novel marathon. I wont be reviewing his novels here. I am no fit for reviewing novels :)

When you read his romance; you will in all probability find a story with a depth of feeling and tenderness. Its difficult to find a male author writing sentimental romance. Anyway, getting back to romance in novels - its a perfect recipe for disaster :) Yup! You know the description of a fairy tale perfect romance - which is too good to be true and yet all we women out there seek. 

Image at http://www.123rf.com/

The boy and the girl always seem to be head over heels in love with each other. Few things that cant be so right in real life

The boy has a perfect bod - a la Hritik Roshan :) The girl has the softest curls you can ever find, the nicest, blemish free skin complexion and that perfect bikini body. Oh! lets not forget that manly voice of his and the "give the Cuckoo a run for money" voice of the girl.

The girl loves pets; the boy shares the same passion. He likes biking; she too! She loves ice cream; he does too....Errrr.......

Things automatically falls into place; without any hard work. Incompatibility doesnt exist; if so the partner quickly changes to suit the other.

PERFECT - The ambiance, the setting, the words, the mood, the conversation, the likeness, the chemistry - not once but each and every time!

NORMAL is HOT . A normal walk on the beach with her cutey dog can take his breath away or a him relaxing with a bottle of beer can take her breath away. Ahem..Ahem...

A surprise vacation to an exotic location is so unconditional love. Did I hear candle light dinner at Tierra del fuego? :-P

Even absurd things makes sense. No matter what; just follow your heart - things would work. Really?? Logic and practicality is a crime :)

Love can reform anyone - even a Godzilla to a TDH man. Murderers, addicts, alcoholics anyone could be reformed and its a simple job; doesnt take as much time as it takes to snap your fingers.

Love making is an act of passion - ultimate surrender. Condom - whats that?

And above all - They live happily ever after and thereafter :)

My brothers and sisters

After mentioning briefly about software engineers in my previous post; I thought why not write about me! :-) Me as in many like me - Software engineers.
Do I see a "Oh! no not again! ?". Well, well, yet read; you have no choice! :-P The term software engineer is by itself a delicious title and so far the most uncertain profile ever. We ourselves dont find a definitive answer for the SW Engineer tag that gets attached against our name. 

Ever since India got into the IT business, we have seen the demand of IT and related courses in college.  Since sometime back, IT was a lucrative opportunity. A glamorous career right from the start in a reputed MNC, handsome pay package and awesome life. Here is a gist from a SW Engineer's life.

Disclaimer : Any reference to incident, person or anecdote is pure facts and definitely bears resemblance to all living SW Engineers

Potential SW Engineer : The IT/Comp-Science/E&C Engineering student. Parental and relatives pressure forces him to study hard during his matriculation years to get a medical seat. Tries his luck to grab an engineering seat as well. Low medical rank, engineering rank not good enough to find eligibility in a deemed/reputed university. Settles for a private college affiliated with a decent university; or if affordable; finds a payment seat in a reputed college. Clean state, all enthusiastic to start fresh. Gets bogged down the very first semester with innumerable internals, labs, theiry papers, compulsory attendance and blah..blah..blah.. Works his ass out the next 8 semesters - cheating in internals, seeking lab instructor's help, paying fine for lack of attendance, buying projects, getting caught by lab externals for buying projects......

4 years, 8 semesters, 50+ theories, 20+ labs, 6+ projects, 24 internals, 8 semester exams, 24 lab exams, 6 project demonstrations - soft skill trainings, written tests, placement interviews.....phew!! The D-Day arrives. A Fully Nurtured Software Engineer ready to solve the world's problems...Yieeppiieee!!!

Rookie : After all those hurdles, by hook or by crook; manage to grab a MNC offer. The company is known world-wide, has its footprints in major countries, life-changing technologies to work on., healthy work environment.....Fresher is all excited. His chest puffs and puffs with pride! He wears his ID badge on the collar(literally!), its all so overwhelming to be working for a dream company. Flexible work hours, free snacks, free beverages, outing, lunch, friendly colleagues, more friendly manager, an awesome pay packet....what else to ask for? Parents pride, neighbor's envy.

1+ Year  : After all that initial hysteria and pride, truth sinks in - that the title of software engineer is too broad and shallow; there are heck a lot of profiles related to software and that not all are exciting and challenging. That initial sumptuous meals during the induction and new-hire training was a bribe to sit through the whole stuff ;-)  and that humongous cost to the company did not necessarily mean CTC/12 - those were flexible benefits and not to forget the tax and your 'take home' is what matters :-) Still trying to figure out if you enjoy your 'work'; still trying to grab on to those fancy terminologies and the 'I am doing great' feeling.

3+ Year : The late night conference calls; trying to be as polite as possible while being belted black and blue by your 'client'. When your supervisor feels you are good for nothing and your juniors look up to you while you feel distress! Not to forget those 'extra responsibility', 'raising the bar' and 'you are capable of delivering more' sweet talks. Long working hours, conked up biological clock, irregular meal times. Well did you notice your growing belly and your receding hairline?

Senior Engineer :  Ill-fitting T shirts, sloppy looking jeans, good to throw away slippers, unkempt hair, shabby!!. :-) The new age nerd - the techie. Scurrying away with laptop; always confused look on the face. The face! - pale, lifeless, dark circles, under eye bags....On the verge of being diagnosed with a repetitive strain injury; yet free internet, free phone, free gym(which you dont even know exist), free cola........who cares!

Team Lead : Neither here; nor there. Always paranoid of expectations - technical expertise and management ability. Do I prepare this status report? Or work on this new feature? If I do this, they ask me what happened to the status; and if I am working on the status; they want to know about the new feature implementation! At this level, you ARE expected to handle multiple tasks with ease! Yeah right! I drive my newly acquired hatchback(on EMI which eats up 30% of my salary for 5 years) while taking conference calls!! Is it not multi tasking?

So here is what it is - Pride of the family, darling of your spouse; inspiration to your kids, earning handsome money, holding a job to die for (yeah to DIE for), having a great work environment......................

But slogging day and night, no regular work hours, hoping your folks will understand 'tapping the keyboard is still lot of mental work' and that 'working from home' means you ARE putting in serious work and effort. It means you are entitled to pay tax religiously and your 'take home' has dramatic difference than your CTC.

Being a software engineer also means people have right to bully you because you are 'sophisticated' in other words - a dumb idiot. It means you CAN fix your neighbor's printer or offer career advices to budding engineers. Oh yeah! not to forget the hair line getting thinner at the same rate your waists go fatter!

We need to get a life my brothers and sisters! seriously!! 

Our Inglees

"Rain is falling....chama cham cham" - Rings a bell? This is the first line of a Hindi song.

Well this is the time of the year when "rain is falling". They always fall during this time of the year and soothe the thirsty soul and the weathered trees :-)

Err...did you spot anything wrong? What was that? And how many actually spotted it? A stickler for 'correct' English would thump and say "Say its raining" (Observe my audacity of missing out on that apostrophe). But its so widely and commonly accepted that the wrong becomes the new right. Is there such thing as correct usage in spoken English? How many of us do care? Is there a correct English at all? You might more often than not witness amusing statements as "Aroma is coming" and "I became pass" :-)

We aspire to learn, read, write and speak the language which our colonial rulers brought with them. Mind rules over matter, so we have 'improvised' the language with out own regional concoction  - thus bringing in Bonglish and the Tanglish and the Hinglish and the Kanglish.......Our mother tongue rules our mind, we tend to think in our native tongue and transliterate our thoughts to English. Boom! we have our own unique version with entertainment abounds when your relatives want to "see a girl" for you and finalize to "give that girl" to you. As a result you have the "photo removing" sessions :-)

Remember the advice to think in English and encouragement to learn new words and use them to improve the vocabulary while in school? Then, dont you think we would miss out on gems as "We sat there simply simply" to mean "Hum wahan baithein the chup-chupke". How often do we say "We came to know" translating from "Sunne mein aaya".

Or the sentences that arise out of a vernacular's absence of certain words. People "eat water" in Bengal. So do they eat whiskey or milk. Dont mistake a guy from Tamil Nadu as a cannibal when he says he ate "Gopi manchuri" for evening snacks. The letter P is redundant there where one gets to 'bose' for photo. 26 letters in English and few are redundant? Why not?

Its 'bhictory' to our Inglees no?

We are better

Note : Its a satire..Yeah I need to explicitly mention it; my earlier experience tells me so.. This is a conversation between me and my alter-ego.


The Americans can have their way. If they can do it, why can't we?

Now what is this blabber about? 

Terrorists.....Osama. He was hunted down and killed even without a trial.

Are you saying it was wrong?

You see, there is nothing like a right or a wrong. What is right for me, could be wrong for you and vice versa.

Are you the alter-ego or me?What is your concern?

The Indian government has listed 50 most wanted terrorists and all are based out of Pakistan. The media is asking why cannot we do a America-like operation to eliminate Dawood.

We cant. They could do because they are Americans; with billions of dollars of aid being given to Pakistan. They can afford to do it! They gave a new lease of life to the Afghans by driving out the Russians. They have been aiding Pakistan against the war on terror. So they can break the sovereignty of a country; raid a town and kill a terror mastermind. We cant....Period.

But......but......

Dont sulk. We Indians have done much better things to worry about not being able to mimic an American way.

Like?

Like....winning the Cricket World Cup!

Uummpphhh...

OK! Like sacrificing Mallika Sherawat to Hollywood. 

Eeewwww we are better off than having her here!

Oh ok! Like inventing the ZERO! 

Oh! Ohhh!!!

Nah its not Oh! Ohhh!! Its 0 as in 2-O-O-O in Two thousand.

I am still not convinced.

Why dont you accept that we have given the world far better stuffs to lead a good standard of living?

Give me one good point to agree.

Ass-jet! 

What?

Yeah Ass-jet. We have a simpler and cleaner way to wash than wiping off our asses with papers! 

Yeah! You are right! Hail the Ass-jet!

:-) 

Partner or Buddy?

Remember your first car? How well you treated it. That innumerable wiping until that last speck of dirt vanished and your car was all spotless and sparkling. You sulked for days when you saw the first scratch on the bumper. Your heart ached whenever the car's ground hit the speed breaker.

An interesting and amusing conversation popped up between me and Gautam. He bought a new car; his first car. But is not excited as he should be! During the course of our mundane conversation; I asked him how was his car doing. To which, he answered "i have left the poor thing out in cold. :-( he is having a layer of frost everyday"

But isn't car a SHE? For most guys? But the reasons he gave me as to why he thought his car was a HE was so amusing. Snippets of our conversation.

Gautam : it sounds kind of hard on a she thing to drive 'her' all the time... step on the gas... brrrrraaakkkkkke!!!! he is better me:-P she is soft he probably can bear it :-p poor fellow... staying out in the cold all night... and makes my life so much easier i get to work in 15-20 mins

I asked  thus - so you mean to say "he" is strong enough to tolerate the cold? if it was 'her', she wouldnt have?

Gautam replied - well, i am saying that i first gender, subconsciously that struck me when i was referring to the car was the word 'he' and then i was thinking how he is out in the cold all day it so happens that, out of all the hes and shes bearing the cold, i referred to the car as a he

Read on......................

me: thats DISCRIMINATION!!!!!
Gautam: well once hes and shes are in cold, it doesn't matter if the thing is a he or a she
  it is damn cold!
  thats all that matters
  lol!
 me: hahahaha
Gautam.: hmmm
  it is kinda interesting that i referred to him as a he
  dunno how that happend
 me: hm yeah most guys want to refer their car as a she
  you are the second person i have come across who refers as a HE
 Gautam.ya i know. i know that cars are referred to as shes
 me: :)
 Gautam: but i wonder how i am referring to the car as a he
  and even now it seems like he suits him better
 me: hmm why do you think ? was it impulsive?
 Gautam: i have no idea
 me: is this the first time?
Gautam: it was the choice of the subconscious brain
  and moreover
  it;s kind a good for him that he is a he
 me: haha
 Gautam: cause there are so many shes out there!
  ha ha ha
 me: lol!
and your he might be abused by so many shes
  dont you think so?
 Gautam: ya that is something to consider
 me: hmmm you are putting him in jeopardy
 Gautam: i think the reason i referred to the car are he is because the way he looks
me: macho?
  muscular?
 Gautam: if you think that a car has a face
 me: aggressive?
 Gautam: ya it is probably not like a woman's face
  http://www.toyota.com/camry/
 me: all cars?
 Gautam: look at this
me: :)
 Gautam: a jeep and a hummer look more like body builders
  even if women work out they can have muscles like that
  they are not supposed to
 me: :) hmmm
Gautam: he is dirty already
  i made him dirty
  full of papers
  mud on the carpet
me: hm bad'
 Gautam: plastic bags
  books in the truck
i guess i am a dirty fellow
  :-p
 me: :)
 Gautam: what do you think
 me: you continue to remain that way...keep him clean
  :)
 Gautam: the car is a he or a she
  may be it is a 'it'
 me: It is a IT
Gautam: i have thought of him only as a it till you asked me
 me: :)
 Gautam: and then the more we talked about it
  the more 'he' suited the car
  i should say you triggered it
me: aaahh i just asked hows your car doing..you started by referring him HE
 Gautam: ya... you question was so 'human like' as if you were asking how a human being was doing then i thought
  oh no
  poor fellow
me: yeah!! even the car would have feelings
  according to me :)
 Gautam::-)
me: isnt it
Gautam: ya. :-) ha ha ha
  tell me one thing
  what do i think of my car as a he
  hmmm
  i wonder why
me: hmmm i know
 Gautam: i mean why do i think of my car as a he
 me: i know i think
 Gautam: i am a straight guy
  ha ha
  but i feel the car goes through so much rough stress
 me: hahaha just because you mentioned a HE doesnt mean you are not straight
Gautam: i don't think i could emplace so much force on it
  if the car was a she, stepping on the pedal if she was a woman
 me: lol
 Gautam: man that does not sound right
 me: hahaha
 Gautam: brrrrrraaakkkkkkkkkke
  amuku            (Step on)
  amuku
  amuku
 me: morality and ethics huh
  :P
 Gautam: on a woman
  i don't think it is morality and ethics i think i would feel bad to put so much physical stress on women...
 me: :P
 Gautam: should maybe try a bit to make their going a little easier
maybe thats why
 me: i have a question
 Gautam: oh boy! o.....k....
  go ahead
 me: suppose your car is washed and looks sparkling nice
  wont you feel like running your fingers across the car and feel?
Gautam: hmmm. not really
 me: sure?
 Gautam: i hadrly touched my car
 me: ok..then your car being a HE suits
 Gautam: the only parts i have touched is the steering
  and the door
  not even the hood
  ha ha ha
 me: hmm :) so its a HE
 Gautam: ha ha ha
 me: :P
Gautam: well there you have it
  if i thinking of the car as she was natural to me
  then i would have surely
  felt it
  like you aid
  said
  but even scooby is a he ----------Scooby is his pet dog
  and i pat him and feel him
  and i love doing it
 me: :) haaa
 Gautam: so i cannot really relate the patting and feeling
me: scooby is different     
 Gautam: car is also like that only na
  i mean the feeling and touching part
 me: nah....
  scooby is like your kid
  car is like your companion
  :)
 Gautam: hmmm
  true i guess
 me: hmmm :)
Gautam: may be like a buddy
  i won't caress it.. ha ha
 me: yeah :)
  lol
 Gautam: and hug and kiss
  ha ha
 me: hahaha


Once we made sure why the car was a HE; we went on to discuss the GPS fitted to the car. This went on -

me : one of my friend thinks his car is a HE
  but he has a GPS system
  whom he calls Jill
 gautam: ha ha ha
 me: :)
 gautam: wait
  i don't get it
 me: ?
gautam: you said he thinks his car is a he
  ok
 me: hmm
 gautam: and then Jill is a girl's name?
  right
  so it does not make sense
 me: yeah...thats what i said..he thinks his GPS system is a she
  only the GPS system
 gautam: i would have a girl's voice in my gps
  surely
 me: yeah so only
 gautam: ya
  ok
 me: he has a girl's voice and he calls her Jill :D
 gautam: gps is the car's buddy ha ha ha
 me: companion is fitting word
  :D
 gautam: Jill stop bugging mE
  ha ha
  hmmm
  ya
  :-)
 me: yeah or "Enna Jill, unna nambi vandha, nee ippdi thappa thappa route solra"
(This can be appreciated if you know Tamil. It means "I trust and follow your instructions Jill, but you are giving me wrong directions")

 gautam: ha ha
 me: :)
gautam: then followed by... intha ponnungale ippidi thaan ya...
  cha...
  nambave koodaathu...
  nice a kondu poi kauthiduvaanga
  ha ha ha
(This means Girls are always the same, we should not trust them. They take along and later ditch us)

 me: exactly!!!!
  :)
 gautam: aanlum unakku kurumbu jaasthi Jill :-p
(You are very naughty Jill)

 me: ha ha ha oh my god
  imagination wild!!
 gautam: ha ha

So is your car a HE or a SHE? :-)

An Open Letter to Mr. Wisdom

Dear Mr.Wisdom,

You will turn out to be good for nothing. I don't need you. I already have some decent amount of wisdom in me. I am appreciated for being wise, time and again. Yet, God decided that I lack wisdom at this stage in life, maybe I was doing something stupid. He mistook the wisdom that I am missing to be YOU.

Its a painful proposition. You would not be helping me in any way, there is little room in my mouth to accommodate you priceless jewel.  I appreciate you, but forcing your way out and claiming a rightful space of your long abandoned ancestral land is not fair. The battle is tough, agonizing me and totally disrupting my routine for days together. Mr. Wisdom; please note that I have better things to do in life than fighting a battle against you!

I sincerely appreciate your good intentions but please understand that you are the one now least needed for my good oral health. My jaws are smaller, my diets are not tougher. I do not need extra chewing power anymore. In addition, you are also causing trouble to your siblings as well - the gums are swollen and the other molars which are hale and hearty are intimidated by your rising presence. I do not like you bullying them; waging a war against them by harboring bacteria and infecting them in turn.

This is to sincerely warn you to drop your senseless effort to erupt in my mouth. Continuing to do so will have serious consequences. You would be deported as per laws against illegal occupation. Please accomodate my request.

                                                                                               Agonizingly yours,

Procrastination can wait

Is it my fault that I don't have a Friday the way Robinson Crusoe had?  

Or is it my fault if the calendar moves so fast!!

Of all the skills that I have acquired over years; my best skill would be the art of procrastination.

How else would one justify my deferring in backing up of data residing on my laptop even though I had my external HDD with me all the time? The result - my system crashed!!

Its another story that my 2 greatest digital treasure packages - vast collection of music and photographs were backed up. But the notes related to technical work at office? What about them? They are all gone! Who cares. :-P

Things can wait my dear! If I can do stuffs more efficiently tomorrow; why do it today and end up clumsy? With time, you gain experience. Likewise; tasks done tomorrow than today turn out better and perfect as you would have gained some more experience.

See, I will tell you how. Why wash your car today when it could get a better wash when it rains tomorrow? But its not an easy art let me warn. You got to be focused, dedicated and sincere and believe the mantra "DO IT LATER". Start off on simple tasks.

Laundry? Nah...I have some more clothes for the next 10 days..So LATER.

Dishes? I am bored with my cooking. I am eating out, dont need of dishes......So LATER

Bath? I just got a limited Edition of Davidoff Cool water Frozen...Want to test it effect.....So LATER

Some call it a disease. I feel pity on those poor naive mortals. Whats fun in finishing tasks on time? Have you experienced the thrill in starting late for a Rajnikant's movie? You drive and zip across, honk, bite your nails and wish how you had Rajnikant's speed!! If you did not know; it has been scientifically proved that he travels faster than light. A copy of the report is on its way to heaven for Einstein to read.

Folks! does anyone of you know how tough it is to be idle? How we must fight hard to convince ourselves that putting off until tomorrow would sure be a huge benefit? How tough it is to hold off an otherwise tempting task? It needs oodles of grit to say LATER.

I feel depressed when I hear the word END. I do not like the term STOP. I neither like to FINISH nor do I use the UNIX command KILL.  DEADLINES are unreasonable and an END is unceremonious. STOP is rude and KILL is heartless.

Procrastination is my virtue; SOMEDAY I shall set up a society exclusively for it.

Procrastinating has its benefits; I will write about them TOMORROW

I wish to be a seasoned procrastinator; HOPEFULLY sometime in FUTURE.

I believe in MIRACLE and a better TOMORROW and I have HOPE.

I shall WAIT until the LAST MINUTE!

Pray for me Brother :-P

Ayudha pooja is an integral part of Dasara in southern India. Its celebrated on the ninth day or Navami. Its on this day tools and weapons and various other equipments are worshiped.
Everyone worships their tools; whatever it would be. School kids worship their books, an auto driver his auto, public transport system folks their buses and trains, farmers their ploughs and sickles and so on.

I just saw a Fitness center and there! my thoughts were flooded with ideas. What would each one pray when they worship their tools.

A fitness center owner while worshiping his treadmill will pray that people lose their belly fat slower so that he has more business.

A barber while worshiping his scissors and blades would pray that people's hair grew faster and thicker.

A dentish while worshiping his mouth mirror and dental drills would pray that more people got tooth aches and plaques.

A tire puncture fixer while worshiping his deflated tires and tools would pray more and more tires got punctured.

A beautician while worshiping her hair dyes and facial creams would pray that more women get blemishes and dark circles under their eyes.

A fruit juice vendor while worshiping his mixer and juicer would pray that people got thirsty frequently.

A banker while worshiping his registers would pray that he gets to earn more interests.

A tailor while worshiping his sewing machine would pray that people grow fatter faster.

A software professional while worshiping his laptop would pray he fixes more bugs and in turn put in few more bugs :-P

A lawyer while worshiping her law books would pray more people committed crimes and break laws. :-P Someone is smiling eh?

A media journalist while worshiping the camera and teleprompter prays that actors and actresses broke up and hooked up more often :-)

A garbage collector while worshiping his shovel would pray people disposed fewer trash.

Finally a blogger while woshiping his blog would pray more people visit his/her blog and leave more and more comments :-D

PS : This is just an illogical humorous post. Please dont ask me logical questions in the comments section. (Updated after reading few comments)

If it happens in India

Few of my observations here makes me analyze how the same would be if they were implemented in India. Trust me, they turn out to be interesting and at times hilarious. Its interesting how the culture and composition of a place largely influences the business and the market as a whole. What we see is a whole new perspective of how they try to sell a product or how they implement ideas depending on the geography, culture and values and the belief of local people.

For example, you can never ever see a pair of floaters/sandals on a food or beverage product in India. Traditionally, footwear is not worn in households; as such; seeing it on a food product?? Hmm...the politicians, the religious leaders, the media would all have some cud to chew on for few months!!

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Another one that's normal here is the usage of Toll Free numbers. Every product or service has a toll free number for customers to use. To make it easy for people to remember, these Toll free numbers have a combination of digits and alphabets. For e.g - 1-800-DENTIST helps find a dentist in the preferred county in the Bay Area.

Now, we know we do have toll free services in India as well. What got me thinking made me laugh out loud. There are a series of HELP toll free numbers here - 1-800-HELP. Now what if we had such a number in India, for India. As Hindi is our national language; the number would be 1-800-BACHAAOOO :-)

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Its common to name the vehicles after a city or a region here in the USA. So we have Chevrolet Malibu named after Malibu, CA, Hyundai Santa Fe named after the city of Santa Fe, New Mexico, Toyota Tundra, named after the mighty Tundra to name a few. For folks into automobiles, you would be interested to know that there are 41 cars named after Places in North America. For more check this - Cars named after places in North America.


Yes, analogical thinking again. What if our Maruti or TATA tries to name the vehicles after places in India. How about Maruti Patiala? What better idea to retaliate than naming NANO as TATA SINGUR :-P

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 Another one keeping my mind entertained are the description of Indian food in local restaurants here. Let me give some work to your brain. What is Fried Lentil Flour Doughnut dipped in sambhar?

Common!! Think!!

Its our Sambhar Vada :-P

For more amusement, check this menu of a famous restaurant - Indian food menu with description.

OK, so we have the Taco Bells, the McDonalds, the KFCs, the Pizza Huts, the Subways in India. What if they had similar description so that our folks can follow. Hmm, let me try. A veg sandwich would be described as

Tamaatar, pyaaz, gobi, jatun, paneer, kheera aur mexico ki thiki hari mirchi bhari roti; peeli chutney ke saath

How nice!! Your stomach is fill the time you have finished reading this :-)

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People at restaurants and shops address customers as Miss, Mr, Child generally. Apart from that we also get to hear Honey, Beauty, Sweetheart.... A security officer addressed me yesterday "How are you today Beautiful?" A person at the sales counter wished me "Take care honey". The manager at a hotel said "Good choice my sweetheart". I was also asked elsewhere "How are you darling?" These are all just pleasantries exchanged and its common.

If this has to happen in India!! Imagine a shop assistant asking a lady Aaj kaisi ho darling? or a bus driver wishing a passenger Avlida Jaaneman

I don't have to say!! You know it!!:-P

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We are Honest

And how we FLAUNT it!! :-P

 

Please to meet you

Last week, I had a discussion with my senior director at work. He is an American, he greeted me with a Hello and we shook hands. The grasp was firm, neither lousy nor crushing; and it was neither a blip nor a drag.

OK! The discussion went fine. Once I got back to my place, my mind started recollecting some of my handshake moments. Oh! not those moments when I won accolades all the time but those moments when I felt miserable. Ouch!! or Awww!! types.

As a kid, each one of us would have won some prize or the other. Be it for academics, sports, extra curricular or cultural activities. And it required you to walk on the dais and collect the prize from guest of honor. The earliest I could remember is when I was in Upper Kindergarten. I collected prize from a guest of honor; he offered to shake hands. I still recall his hands were so huge and me with a teeny-weeny hand could only grasp his index finger.

Hmm but why shake hands? Why not legs? Errr....:-P I know!! Handshaking was practiced in Greece as early as 4th century B.C - History of Handshake. To think of it. why would they have initiated a handshake? Hmm, to prevent the stranger who they are meeting from attacking? The best way to prevent a stranger from clobbering would be to hold his hand firmly? Never know!!

Anyway here are few handshakes that I have experienced and I am going to categorize them. Yup!! there ARE different types of handshakes and unique set of practitioners.

The Crusher Shake - Those types which you dread. The sadistic types, when the person crushes your palm like a nutcracker cracking your knuckles. Your fingers are crushed with a vicious grip; and all the while you have put up a wide grin. Grin on your face, tears ready to flow down...what a pity! Your palm is minced like a pulp and you wince with pain but with a wider grin :-P Worth an Oscar for putting up this normal behavior.

The Frenzy Shake - Very similar to the crusher. But the intensity ebbs and lows as the excitement of the person shaking your hand varies. The most effervescent the mood is, the more effusive the handshake would be. Your digits wilt under the grip; aah this is like being in a boot camp.Your wrists take the toll due to vigorous shaking and swirling.

The Superficial Shake - Such shakes leave you perturbed. Was I supposed to forward my palm? Did I do a mistake? Oh!! how embarrassing. These shallow ones are so flimsy that you do end up feeling awkward. I remember one of my teacher at school wished me for my birthday and when I forwarded my hand, she hardly grasped my hand. Maybe her school never taught her handshake etiquette!! Oh but she studied in the same school :-S

The Wrenched Shake - You want to loosen your elbow and shoulder joints? Go shake hands with this group. They would twist and turn you arm so much that your nuts and bolts at the joints would need tightening. And not to forget the aches. 

 The Clinger Shake - You are in a pitiful situation here. The hand shake done, you get into conversation and your hand is still clasped onto. Your palm gets sweaty, it blends with the other guy's sweat and creates a thin film around each others palm. Yet, the clinger just clings on and on, never letting it go!!. Either you try to unclasp in an artful way or enjoy the massage your palm gets in the process :-)

 The Soft Shake - From the ladies of course. This would be the soft, delicate and dainty one. They bring the guys into the line :-P

The Misfired Shake - Your hands and the his hands don't come together; yet both stick them out and it doesn't sync. Hurriedly, you pull it off together but nevertheless its not done!!

Do you folks have any more to add to this list? Please be free to shake hands with me!! :-)

What next for Paul?

Its been announced that Paul has decided to hang his boots. Yeah, 8 boots, all at at time.

 

He wont be predicting anymore, that is what his handlers have announced on "behalf" of him. Maybe "We want Paul for the pan" got his thinking hat on and he decided to quit!!

But the celebrity has been getting lot of offers, predicting sporting events, to be part of promotions by a Japanese fortune telling company. Media coverage was given to him more than the soccer matches. Spain wants to rechristen him as Pablo. He has a 24 hour security guard.

Now people, who does not want the octopus life, 8 legs are always better than 2 :-P  He is so famous, so many love him, many others love to hate him.

Alright, so Paul has decided to retire. But what if he just changes his mind? There are lot of job opportunities in India for Paul, THE place which seems to have plenty of jobs today!

After hyping him so much and projecting him as a celebrity, our Indian media would not think twice to hire him as a TV News presenter. Move away the Arnabs, the Banerjees and the Dutts. Here is Paul, the Oracle. Your job of spculating a news is not needed henceforth. No more speculations, no more shouting on top of your voice, no more confortonations. Leave it to Paul. He will predict correctly if Aiswarya Rai Bachan can see the moon or not this Karwa Chauth.

Where else can he best fit into other than out stock markets? Give the baton to him and he will rule! You and I can invest depending on his sooth sayings. Will it be the Bear or the Bull? Our MBAs have been mooted with the question and their predicament goes wrong. They would definitely need Paul's helping 'legs' to predict the correct result. Company's quarter results, our annual bonus all depend on it, is it not?

Talking about hiring Paul to be on TV, is it not more glamorous if he is part of our Bollywood? Run around trees. Eh? Not anymore, now couple run around swanky yacht, talk only in billions and vacation in the Bahamas in our Bollywood movies. Yet, they don't rake in any moolah. The Kites just fly away and the Raavan's 10 head chopped off. Our eight-legged Oracle could again come to rescue. We all know these producer's and director's penchant of casting foreigner and always a sure winner that he is!! he would be case in the lead role. Anyone could be his female co-star. Last heard Ms. Rakhi Sawant wants to feel his 8 limbs wrapped around her! Is she not the best option?

Oh yes!! the seat of power. The Great Indian Politics. Parties will hire his service to predict who would win the next election. Accordingly, come up with their strategy. Aww, don we know they are ready to go at any lengths? So they might even nominate Paul for the post of Prime Minister. Now, its easy! India does not have any rule which states a foreign born cannot be our country's PM. So Mr.Paul for PM. Yaaeeyy!! He does not have to talk much, just be the way our PM is. All he has to do pick one mussel from a tank and the preamble set and bills passed according to what he chose :-P

The cricketing league would not want want to be left behind in the race to grab him. They would try their level best to hire Paul to predict IPL matches. Who much cares playing for country anymore? IPL winners, man of the match et all. He would be called to present the cup to the winning team as well, such is his fame, spread far and wide.

A bit difficult job for him would be to predict when India and Pakistan would reach a truce on Kashmir. But never ever underestimate him. Just have him as your Minister of External Affairs, send him to Pakistan and yeah, not to worry, he will return safe folks!! Paella and sushi are not Pakistani delicacies, so have faith.

All said and done, in addition to living with the accolades, he has to put up with lot of issues here as well. Few left wings might not want soothsaying from an 'outsider'. They would vouch for the desi parakeets. Few religion fanatics will question his religion. Is he a minority? Then his predication are not considered!! Few regional fanatics would want to know which is his native tongue? How could he gorge on mussels from the neighboring state with whom we are fighting for water!!! Not done!!

If he decides to take up a job in India, Paul needs lot of good luck :-P

Of Calories and Weights

Note : Had written this as a guest post for one of my blogger friend. Thought why not share with readers here :-)

How many of you have been elated reading your weight and satisfied with your kgs? Raise your hands....No cheating!! Be honest. 

Not many eh? Is it not each one's secret desire to lose weight? I guess the most hated machinery in this world would be the poor little weighing machine.It is a technological marvel. Why not? That poor little machine can earn the wrath of so many people, it could witness jubilation or it could get cursed. Now which other machine has this privilege?

Almost everyone has that intense desire to shed some flab, lose weight. What with the fashion world claiming size zero is the in-thing!! But there's a slim chance, or should I say a FAT chance that most of us would reach the desire body weight!! But hey!! what is the harm in trying?

Talking about the emotions that arises, you could see all types and forms of expressions. There's some qualm always before stepping onto the weighing machine. Nervous, you close your eyes with hope and silently pray that the needle points to the number you want it to. And then you reluctantly look down to read the scale, first there is denial!! How can it be!! Then despair, anger and frustration. And abuses and curses to the weighing machine first.

You question its precision and genuineness and then realization pours in. You then start cursing the devil in you which taunted you to gorge on those cheesy snacks and those chocolate cakes. All the while, the poor weighing machine earnestly looks for some appreciation for being honest. But what it gets is a stare!!

And most times, we believe that the machine is not right, so we tend to calibrate it manually by slightly adjusting ourselves until the needle reads to what we desire. And very rare is the jubilation and excitement of having achieved what we wanted. Oh yeah!! its short lived though. Weight is like a boomerang, it always comes back to you!!

Sometimes the machine adds few kilos as a compliment and sometimes it gives you discount. Discount is what is preferred here. I recently came across a joke where the lady in question removes everything from her shoes until she is almost nude to get her weight right. You see; the shoes, the dress are all 'accessories' which hinders you from getting your correct reading.

Few of my friends step onto the weighing machine and protect the secret magic number so much so that you feel that the number is a secret code to an enormous amount of wealth. Few people believe that weight changes with season, so they tend to weigh themselves in their favorable season. Few others believe counting your calorie intake might keep check on your weight. Fine!! but if it is only yours its fine; but why others' as well for heaven's sake; even if they didn't want to?

This is what happened at a recent birthday celebration of two of my team members. One of them had lost 26 kilos by hook or by crook. There were cakes cut and this man instead of gorging on his cake, kept commenting about how much calorie would each piece of cake have. It was really disturbing, couldn't gorge on those cakes.But the sin factor was short lived, we later ignored and started committing the sin :-P

None giving a thought about the weights or the calories :-)